Okay, I can't take it anymore. 

Cinderella is the most annoying fairy tale. 

Let me tell you why...

Now, just to clear things up, I'm not talking about Disney's version specifically. 

Let's start at the beginning. Her family. Her biological family. 
There's nothing wrong with them. I promise. Nothing wrong with them at all. They had a nice house, they probably had a beautiful garden, everything was perfect. If they had a nice house, they must have had a good amount of money. What's the problem with that? Nothing, I suppose. Now, this may sound strange, but hear me out. 

I think Cinderella's dad was abusive. 

What!? You ask.

That's insane! There's no way! Cinderella's father loved her!

Well, my sceptical friends, the version of the story I read (which, I do believe was the original) never really mentioned the father. 

Okay, so why do you think he's abusive?

I want to remind you that this story was taken place a long time ago when men never treated women the way they should be. All it would take is the wrong move made at the wrong time and SLAP:

Man hits woman.

When Cinderella's mother dies of natural causes, the story says she goes to her grave every single day and wept. Her mother was probably the only one Cinderella could trust not to hit her. Probably her only friend. Right before Cinderella's mother died, her mother told her 

"Dear child, remain pious and good, and then our dear God will always protect you, and I will look down on you from heaven and be near you."

Cinderella's mother obviously loved her very much and comforted her when she knew her baby girl would never see her again. Cinderella probably looked up to her mother. Cinderella respected her. Loved her. 

The father looked for another wife. Let me just take a moment to say how disgusting that is. Now, for all we know it could have been years later. But it might not have been. 

He 'found' another wife. The step-mother, as we know her. She moved in with her two daughters. All beautiful of face, but ugly at heart.

Why would the father marry her? Because he's desperate? Because he doesn't care? Because he wants a wife?

The most likely is, she was beautiful. That he didn't care about her personality, but rather her looks. Pshh. Men.

When the step-mother and step-sisters walked in, they instantly felt hatred for Cinderella. Many people say 

It's because of her beauty! It was unreal!

The story never said that. No, the step-mother probably hated her because she had a different mother ( not that Cinderella wasn't beautiful). Because she wasn't the first wife of this man. That's my take on it, anyway. The step-sisters probably hated her because their mother hated her. If you read the original story, they act alike.  

They started treating her as a maid rather than a relative. And who wasn't doing anything about it? If you guessed Cinderella's father, you win a cookie. 

Yep. That bastard didn't do a thing. He just stood by and went with it. 

They treated Cinderella so poorly, she never even got her own room. She slept by the ashes in the fireplace. No room. And also, sidenote! She never had any animal friends. 

But what about the birds? The birds that help her!

I'm getting to that.

Cinderella was alone. No friends, no proper family, nothing. She had nothing. If she wanted bread, she had to work for it. Even then, it wasn't enough.

One day, Cinderella's father declares he is leaving for a bit and offers to bring each daughter one gift. Whatever they may want.

Aww, well that's nice!

Not everyone is 100% a monster.

Step-sister 1 asks for beautiful dresses!

Step-sister 2 asks for pearls!

Our Cinderella asks for the first branch that brushes over his hat on the way home. 

On his way home, he got the dresses, the pearls and the first branch that brushed over his hat. A hazel branch. 

When Cinderella was given the Hazel branch, she planted it by her mother's grave. She visited three times a day. I don't know how. She didn't do enough work to earn bread so how she found time to leave the house three times a day? Beats me. 

She wept so often and so much, that branch turned into a beautiful tree. Girl, you must've been crying rivers because damn. 

I don't blame her. Her life sucks. 

A little white bird lived in that tree. 

Here we go! The reason why the white bird is not her friend. 

Whenever Cinderella wished for something, the little white bird would give it to her. That was it. No special bond with the bird. The bird just got her what she wanted. That's it. That's the relationship. 

OMG, now we're getting to the good part. 

The ball for the prince to find a wife! 

Actually, it was a festival that lasted three days. 

All young ladies were invited.

The step-sisters were ecstatic! They might marry a prince! Why, after all! They were the fairest! Step aside Snow White! You ain't no match for these two beauties! 

"AY YO CINDERSMELLA DO OUR HAIR AND SHOES AND STUFF" They yelled. 

Cinderella did so, but as she did that she kept thinking about how wonderful it would be to go to the festival! 

She told her step-mother of her thoughts and her step-mother just waved her off. 

"Listen. You're all dusty and dirty. You have no proper clothes or shoes and you want to go? I do not think so." Her mother said. Cinderella begged. Step-mother was getting annoyed.

"Okay, you know what? Fine. I have scattered lentils all in the fireplace. Pick up every single lentil within the hour and you can go to the ball." 

So what did Cinderella do? She called the white bird to pick them up for her. How nice. 

The bird called for more fellow birds and they started to pick up the lentils. How did nobody notice? Maybe they were out. Maybe they were too dumb to notice anything going on. 

A half hour later, all the lentils were picked up. 

Cinderella showed her step-mother and her step-mother shrugged. 

"You still have no proper clothes or shoes. You can't go."

"It lasts three nights! Surely I can-"

"I said no. Help me and my daughters get ready."

After they all got ready, they left for the festival. The father went with them as well because it wasn't a 'girls only' thing after all.

Cinderella was upset. What did she do?

She asked the white bird for a dress made of golden thread and silver slippers. 

Timeout: Don't think I like Cinderella, people. She asks for too much. 

OH MY GOD ARE YOU HEARTLESS SHE'S BEING ABUSED GIVE HER A BREAK

Listen here. You make a valid point.

Maybe I just feel she asks for the wrong things. If I was in her shoes, I'd've asked for a way out. I'm just saying. 

Anyway...

The bird delivered and Cinderella quickly got changed and washed up. 

When she arrived, people stared at her, thought she was a foreign princess, blah blah blah. The prince took notice of her. 

Now, let me take the time to ask, how old were they? I imagine the prince was 18 at the youngest. Cinderella? They never mention her name. 

See, back then, girls got married when a certain *ahem* woman thing happens. Because now she is capable of having kids. She was probably 13 or older. Disgusting. 

The prince instantly noticed her and tried awful pickup lines.

"I'll give you a kiss. If you don't like it, you can return it."

...

Okay, that last part probably didn't happen.

Anyway, Cinderella and the prince danced all night long. 

Ahhh! Love!

Um, no. They never talked. THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHERS NAME. Sure, they have the potential to be in love, but let's be real. The prince will only marry her for the sake of getting his father off his back, and then he will neglect her and sleep around with other women. 

Cinderella had made the wise decision to leave early so she could get home before her 'family'. 

The prince wanted to escort her so he could see where she lives ( and maybe something magical could happen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ), but she politely told him no. 

And so it went. For another night. 

The prince decided he wanted to marry her! But she just kept running away! Whatever shall he do?

The last night, after everyone arrived he had his guards smear the stairways with pitch. When the prince offered to escort her, she ran away quickly. Her shoe got stuck in the pitch and came off. 

Honestly, I don't know how that got changed. Like, if the shoe fit her perfectly, how did it come off? Tripping? Nah. 

This makes so much more sense. 

After Cinderella escaped, the prince picked up the shoe and declared

"To whomever this shoe fits shall be my bride!"

When the step-sisters found out, they practically passed out. 

The prince comes to Cinderella's house (around this time is when the real ranting starts).

Step-sister one puts the shoe on, but oh-no! Her toe can't fit! The step-mother grabs a knife. 

"You are going to that palace. Once you're there, you won't need to walk." And with that, she chopped her toe off so it could fit (excuse me while I barf and laugh because I don't know how to react). She limped as she walked outside to meet the prince. Here comes the ranting...

SERIOUSLY!?! DUDE, YOU KNOW WHAT CINDERELLA LOOKS LIKE DO YOU REALLY NEED TO FIND HER BASED OFF OF HER SHOE!? YOU HAVE EYES! USE THEM! IF YOU LOVED HER AS MUCH AS YOU CLAIMED THAT IT SHOULD BE EASY BUT I GUESS YOU ARE ONLY A PALACE BOY WHO NEVER GOT MUCH EDUCATION ON THE EVERYDAY LIFE THINGS SO I DON'T BLAME YOU TOO MUCH.

SERIOUSLY, THOUGH. THIS BOTHERS ME SO MUCH. THIS MAKES ME WONDER WHAT WAS GOING ON INSIDE HIS BRAIN.

She climbed on the horse with the prince and off they went to the palace. 

Prince dumbo and princess toe-less. I ship it. 

They passed the Hazel tree and the bird cried out:

 "Rook di goo, rook di goo!

There's blood in the shoe.

The shoe is too tight,

This bride is not right!" 

When did the bird learn to talk? I know, not of importance. Just a genuine question, is all. 

The prince looked back and saw blood dripping from the silver shoe.

I think the prince might've been blind because seriously. How do you not know when you're bringing the wrong princess? How do you not notice blood dripping out a silver shoe?

The prince brought her back and demanded the other sister try it on. Again, the prince went outside. Why he did that to begin with, I have no idea. But to do it again after he saw what they did to the last one? Maybe I was wrong. He's not blind. He's just stupid. 

Step-sister 2 tried it on, but her heel was too big. Guess what happen next? Yep, they chopped off her heel. The shoe fits now! 

How gross it that? Having to put a show on that's filled with your sister's blood and then filling it with your own. Gross.

The prince fell for it again, and they started to leave.

Prince? U is dumb af

"Rook di goo, rook di goo!

There's blood in the shoe.
The shoe is too tight,
This bride is not right!" the bird cried out again. Sure enough, the prince saw blood dripping out of the shoe.   

He returned her. 

"Do you not have another daughter?" He asked the father.

"No. There is only a deformed Cinderella from my first wife. She cannot possibly be the bride." He responded. Wow. He actually said that in the story I read, I'll have you know. He must've been verbally abusive as well as physically. 

The prince demanded to see her and they did so reluctantly. The shoe fit her!

"Oh, my god! It's her! The one from the festival! I would recognise that face anywhere!" He yelled. 

Yμƥ. Yоμ ɑɾɛ ʋɛɾƴ ʂɱɑɾʈ. Iɳʈɛɾɛʂʈίɳɡ ɦоω ƴоμ ƈоμɭɖ ʈɛɭɭ AFTER ʂɦɛ ƥμʈ ʈɦɛ ʂɦоɛ оɳ. 

Just saying. 

Blah blah blah they get married. The white bird pecks out the eyes of the step-sisters and step-mother. I hope they did that with the father as well. 

And there you go. My rant about Cinderella. Go on, hate me. I don't care. I just really do not like this story all that much. Wait until I rant about the origanal sleeping beauty. You're in for a treat.

Sorry, I needed to get the rant out of my system. 

Stay awesome my fabulous t-rex!