Okay so I'm a trans dude and I haven't exactly come out to my family yet. 

I don't know what's keeping me waiting. A while ago I came out as genderfluid and they didn't understand it, but they respected it... as much as they could. I wanted to use they/them pronouns at the time and they kept up with it. Until they didn't. They didn't mean any harm, I know that, but it was still a little unnerving for me because she'her still sounded so wrong. 

It got a whole lot worse once I realized that I was serious about being transgender. I came to a revelation and I felt so confident, and I was gonna come out to my parents but... I don't know, I was a little bit more on edge? I started to take everything they said a little too seriously. And sometimes I had the right too. One time my mom was watching a movie and we came in halfway through, so she paused it and started explaining what was happening. 

"And it's a car full of men- well, one of them is a trans man and because I don't know any of their names, for the sake of convenience I'm just going to use she/her pronouns."

And I was like??? The fuck??? So I called her out on this and she just sighed heavily and said "Fine. HE," and she carried on with the story. 

That put me so on edge and I was terrified of saying anything about myself because what if she just started using she/her pronouns to discuss me when I'm not around? What if she uses the wrong name? What if she doesn't take me seriously? 

I think that's really when it sort of went downhill. 

I love my mom and I know she means well, but sometimes she just doesn't think before she speaks and she doesn't realize how hurtful it is to me because I don't say anything. 

I let it slide but I have to tell you, it got so much worse. It just came out of nowhere, it hit me like a truck. 

I started getting panic attacks during the day and just randomly started crying, I couldn't sleep, I could barely make myself do anything. This has been going on for months and my parents are only now just noticing that something is wrong. 

Now my panic goes beyond what my parents will think, it has branched off into what will my future be? 

I tried so hard to be a girl, so then that way I won't have to deal with the emotional pain I'm going through, but it just didn't work.

The sickening thing about this is that I'm the one who's letting it go on. I could end all of this by telling my family those few simple words. "I am transgender."

But I'm afraid if I say it out loud then it'll become more real. I don't know what'll mean for my future, my doctor appointments, surgeries, the fact that I'll have to give myself shots to start transitioning (it took over forty-five minutes to get my ears pierced, I can't handle needles very well), and just a bunch of other stuff. 

I am absolutely terrified of when my best friend's mom find out because I don't want to stop seeing my BFF.

There are so many things that could go wrong that I just can't seem to bring myself to look for the positive things. 

I wanted to bring these problems up with a therapist, but I've read too many stories about how they try to force drugs onto someone for being LGBTQA+ and honestly, I don't even know what to do anymore. 

I think I'm on the verge of depression, and I don't want to go there. 

Anyway, if you read to the end of this, thanks for listening.