Its been a Week now since he died... Ive completely shut down, Im more disoriented than usual, I forget how to spell or how to do simple math. I'll stare into space Most of the time ill just be staring into space and not be thinking about anything at all or paying attention to whatever my eyes seem focused on. I cant function I physically and mentally can't function without my dad he was always there for me he hated seeing me sad or upset and always wanted me to be happy.  His Funeral is this Saturday I got to see my tia and Tio ( Dads Sister and Brother they had the same dad diff mom, Tia = Aunt in spanish Tio = Uncle in spanish) my tia could only stay around a week and my tio stayed for almost 2 weeks, he left Wednesday and is coming back Friday. 

a day or 2 after writing that..

Yea I dont think my uncle is coming back Friday ( aka tonight) My mom hasnt heard from him since he went out the door. The funeral is tomorrow And then I have to go to school on monday Im not ready to go and deal with kids and trying to focus when I physically,mentally and emotionally cant. Ive been laying in bed for the past 2 days I slept most if not all day yesterday amd today I slept half of the day after my little sister screamed in ny ear a few times I finally got up. Ive been sleeping alot. Ive been sleeping in my older sisters room with her. I dont wanna be alone in my room I dont like it. So I sleep on an air mattress in her room and she sleeps on her bed. I have to go back to my bed next week tho... I dont want to...

I tried making instant oat meal and made it wrong I put 3 cups of Milk instead of 2/3rds cup of milk Becuase i read 2/3rds as 2 to 3 cups. I dont know how i just did.

On a slightly good note I get to eat while at the funeral... I know my sister, mom and I are gonna have to go to therapy at some point cuz this is very nerve wrecking to loose ur parent or to loose anyone in general. This is actually the first time Ive actually lost a loved one that I remember and (this is gonna sound mean or cold but its not meant to ) actually loved besides my pet when I was 4... I never knew or really knew the other ppl that died in my family.

I sometimes feel like I failed at being a daughter and a sister I always look back at what I could have done differently maybe things could have turned out differently maybe my dad would still be alive maybe he would have been happier. As I look back on the memories of me and him he was always proud of me and my sisters and You could see the love that he had for us and my mom in his eyes. Im always looking back at my life choices. Ive made alot of stupid mistakes at ended up making my mom or sisters cry... I was younger like 7?? So its to be excepted of me im only 7 But I still should have known better than to hurt someones feelings. If I could go back in time I would tell my mom and past self to bring my dad to the hospital when we first thought of it.  Or tell them he doesnt have the flu he needs to be taken to see a doctor or the ER to someone that can figure out what's happening to him. I would turn back time when my family was happy and a whole family... I just want my family back together it feels broken... I need my mom and dad to be happy...I need my sisters to be happy... I need my dad alive 😢... I wish I could have saved my dad he was so scaried he didnt want to leave.... he didnt want to leave....he didn't want to die yet he wasnt supposed to die... 😢😢😢

I remember one of the last convos I had with my dad was

" Daddy you have to see the doctor or go to the Hospital"

" I dont want to"

" why?"

" because"

after a few minutes of asking..

" please tell me"

" because Im scaried I dont wanna leave you guys I dont wanna be alone"

I comforted him..

" Were not gonna leave you and your not gonna leave us"

so I thought 😢

I didnt know a few weekz after he was gonna die I didnt know he was that sick...

I hate that I was sick when he was I should have stayed with him when he asked me too I shouldve.. Shouldve would've could've its all irrelevant, I didnt and I hate myself for it... I shouldve been a better daughter...im so awkward and self conscious I shut everyone out..  I shut my mom, my dad and sisters out.. I hate that I did that heck I still do it. Ive always felt like a burden so i dont tell anyone how im feeling or anything. I made up a quote: " I dont care if I die as ur not suffering" I dont remember when I thought of it. I made it cuz I dont care if I die to save someone or if I die to Keep someone out of harms way, In some way I feel like its my way of saying " you have depression" to myself im just too oblvious of it i dont know anymore...

What am I even talking about anymore? I feel like im just rambling these words are just coming out of my head.

Im sorry about rambling on again... As u can tell i seem to be very messed up and just a mess. Like paint splattered on a canvas the canvas looks pretty but around it theres paint everywhere its a mess...

bye....

Stay healthy n Tell ur loved ones you love them...