You can never rlly understand how going back to school can hurt so bad after Someone you always look forward to going home to is gone. I went back to school today it felt like I am being put thru an endless nightmare. Its just one obstacle after another( Not at school but in life but in general) . I was very fragile at school The littlest thing could set me off. I almost cried on the bus but held it together, I got into school too my locker and then a boy im kinda friends with said " Ay (My name) is back from the dead" I know he was just joking but I rlly didnt need the joke at that point I was trying to keep myself from not crying infront of a bunch of people.
I got into my homeroom and a some kids were rlly nice I got 2 Cards and the boy that sits 3 desks i think infront of me ask if I was okay and "sorry for ur loss" It kinda cheered me up to have some of my classmates do that, I slightly broke down in my seat I sit in the way back so its not like everyone in the room could see me and you couldnt see my tears cuz my shirt I was using covered up most if not all of my face so I could hide the tears. My next class english I had forgotten my book from me not thinking straight. I went to my locker and just broke down for a few minutes grabbed my book and went back to class. I had math next and I was almost positive I wasnt gonna make it thru and would have to go out of the room, I was pretty close to doing that but I Luckily didnt break. I thought I was gonna lose it cuz My dad would always help me with my homework especially math cuz he was like a Math genius he was given a task that for most would have taken 6 months it took him 2 or 3 days. Math had ended and I walked with one of my friends or classmates to our next class together Science. She had asked how it happened and I was kinda ok telling it cuz I trust her shes a very sweet kind and caring girl. I told her what I mostly knew.
We got to class and my teacher that I had told her about my dad before anyone else came over n talked to me, We had just started class and I dont remember why but I went thru my binder and I found a card I had made him the day he went in to the hospital thinking he was gonna make it and that he was gonna be fine... I lost it I walked out of the classroom and tried to silently cry in the hallway a girl teacher saw me and ask me if I wanted to go the guidance office and me being a mess I nodded. She told my teacher and she brought me to the guidence office. The counciler is very nice. She helped me calm down abit so she could figure out what triggered me. I told her and she gave me a decision on if I wanted her to throw it out or keep it until I was Mentally and physically stable enough ( I say physically cuz when i get this emotional Its hard for me to stay standing up or not be shakey). I did not wanna throw it out so she went down to my Science class got my binder where the card was, and put it in a folder with my name on it. She had to go do some stuff so she told me to just cry let it out, At that point I was kinda calming down but I ended up soaking my sleeves in the end. She came back and we talked, I had gotten very shakey from being emotional and stuff so she gave me a peanut butter nut bar and a Caprison. She had to go to a training session so I was left alone in her room so I could finish my drink and calm down as much as possible. I soon finished my drink and grabbed my binder cause I thought I was ready to go back to class. the Guidence secretary?? gave me a pass and I went back to science for the last 4 minutes?? before the counciler had left she gave me a word search for whenever my head went somewhere else and I wasnt thinking properly still so I just did a few while waiting for the bell to ring.

My Teachers know im emotional so they understand when I just leave the classroom. Every teacher i think said " If you ever need to collect urself u may leave the classroom and do so or go to the guidence you may do so you dont even have to ask us" now that I think about it I think it was just the first 3 teachers I had that said it. Today was emotionally hard. My brain was so out of it I didnt focus on my work my brain went to JIMIN struggling to get his HOODIE and ripping off his shirt like how the heck?!?! did my brain get from point A to point J??!! I guess My brain said " You need a distraction, so I shall give you this image" I was very shook and confusion. I went to ACE which is where you can work on Stuff you missed and get caught up and if you dont need to great chill out. The teavhers excused me from doing the work I didnt do bcs of the whole situtation so I didnt rlly have any work to do. I wanted to watxh the Hixtape MV but my school blocked basically if not all the websites so I just played Run, Run 2 and Run 3 on mathgames.com for alittle bit but got bored and ended up drawering A poster that said Hopes World Hixtape with the earth in the middle and I just worked on that until it was time to leave. Today was actually I think the most ive cried since the day I was told.

But yeah Thats basically how My first day back to school from everything basically went. I honestly dont wanna go to school tomorrow I just wanna stay in bed n sleep or be with my mom not mentally trying to battle my emotions for them to work so I can learn cuz rn there shut down

I have now realised im kinda using this as a diary but I dont mind it helps me get stuff off my mind.