I have been suffering from depression since I was five. Probably earlier then that but I was to little to remember. I won't really go into the personal part of it but, I can tell you where the majority of it came from.
I was always a lonely kid, hell, I still am. I was never really good at making, and keeping friends. When I actually did make a friend they would always think I was weird, that I wasn't important. Soon, things about me were being spread around the school, causing me to get bullied by older kids, and even kids in my grade. I was pushed around, teased, made fun of, people cut my hair, and always tried to make sure I was always having a bad day. My older brother knew that I was getting bullied like that, and he even tried to stick up for me once. But eventually he stopped.
Me and my brother had a very good relationship when we were young. But as we got older we started fighting and drifting apart. Now we can't go one week without at least one fight between us. I know that he did go through a very bad time in his life, in the situation we were in I wouldn't blame him. I always tried to get his attention, from asking him to do something for me and then complaining to my mom that he wouldn't do it, to wanting to play video games with him. Video games were always a way that me and my brother were close. I loved sitting down with him in front of our ps2 and playing the original Spyro, or watching him play Sly Cooper 3. One of our favorites was BMX vs ATVS. We would have a blast playing that game. But after my little brothers were born me and him grew apart. It tore me down and it still does. I miss when me and him could just play a game without getting mad at each other. I don't know why we grew apart and I wish I did so I could get that relationship back with him. Him and my mom were my only friends growing up, until I got to middle school.
I has switched schools, finally getting away from the torment that I had gotten from there. At my new school I had actually managed to make a few friends and keep a couple of them for them next year too. I always tried to hide the way I was actually feeling from them. I was always afraid that if they found out that they would stop being my friend. It was until a teacher sent me into a panic attack that they had realized that something was going on in my mind. They kept on bugging me about it until I had told them. I was so scared. One of those friends had left, afraid that it was some disease that they could catch. They ones who did stick with me till the end of the year were the ones I know I could trust. I had also decided to tell my parents how I had been feeling for the past 7 years of my life.
I had always had random outbursts, where I would be in the middle of something and then break down in tears, unable to continue what I was doing. My parents had seemed, almost scared when those happened. This was also a time when I had pushed my family away, and still do. When I had talked to my mother, she had said that it had concerned both of my parents and made them upset that I did that. Now I have been doing it for so long that I had ruined my relationship with my dad. I regret doing that. I love them both so much, and I had hurt them. I always feel guilty about doing that, that it was always my fault when we had gotten into arguments. I try very hard not to get into any fights today, doing what they ask, and when I get in trouble I don't back talk them. I try so hard to be the child that they want, that they deserve. But I will never be what they want me to. I dye my hair, listen to rock music, and am very edgy. My dad doesn't like it when I dye my hair, but this is something that helps me cope with my low self esteem. I want to look how my parents want me to, but I can't. And knowing that I will never be the kid that they deserve, really depresses me.
I hate the way I am though. I never feel pretty when I don't have my hair done or my make up on. I never feel like I'm skinny enough. I never feel like I am enough. I was always told I was ugly and fat, and that I should stop trying to be pretty. And every time I am trying to do something to help push those thoughts out, one of my brother or my dad comes in and says I shouldn't wear make up or I shouldn't dye my hair. Then those thoughts come back. I have tried so hard for so long to get rid of those thoughts, and one some days, they back off. But they always come back.
I often act very silly and jumpy to make the others around me laugh and smile. I only do it so that their smile and happiness will effect me and make me happy. Sure they tease me about it but now, they won't take me seriously. When I have something I want to talk about with my parents, they always either switch the topic or make me feel stupid for bringing it up as something I wanted to talk about. I want to be taken seriously, but if I won't that I can't be the silly person my family knows I am. So, I just bare through it.
I know that one day I will be able to recover from all of the trauma that I have experienced in my life so far. But until then, I am stuck with the hand I have been dealt.