It's been a long time since I was this suicidal. I try my best to push those thoughts away, but sometime they come back full force.

My dad had decided to yell at me again today. But this time he decided to call me fat, put of shape, a disappointment. I'm done.

He noticed the cuts on my arm a while ago, but he believed me when I said it was the cat. Yeah, like a cat could get five even lines on my arm. My mom had believed it too. I guess I have more of an excuse to wear jackets and long sleeves since its getting colder and my heater is broken.

A lot of my friends have stopped talking to me too. I knew it would happen at some point. We get in more fights now, we barely talk now too. Every day just gets more and more lonely. My mom has noticed that I have been more depressed lately, but she is doing nothing about it. It seems that anytime I talk to someone in my family they get uncomfortable. I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing if I did go. Sure a lot of people would be upset, but they would get over it eventually. If I were to die I would want it to be in a car accident or something. Just because I know if I kill myself it would take out a lot of people too.

It's kinda depressing knowing that no one has really noticed that I've become as broken as I was when I first tried suicide. Maybe I could end up falling off of a high place and die, everyone would believe that because I am a very clumsy person.

My little brothers have made sure to tall me that if I die they wouldn't miss me. They never cared about me anyways. My mom has made many jokes that if I die she would take my room and make it into a studio so she can make her jewelry. So I guess that if I did die it would benefit a few people. I feel like the only one who would be effected in my family is my older brother. We have gotten a lot closer. We have memories that I'm sure that he would be upset about if I were to die. Sorry Mitchel.

Now for my online friends, I would make sure they never got told. I have spent whole days reading the chat but not commenting on it. They didn't really notice I was gone. The only time they ever message me directly is when they have a problem. Not really to ever say 'hey' or ask how my day has been. I know that if I left and they didn't know I did they would be fine. I'm not really that useful anyways. I'm pretty sure they have gotten annoyed with me. I wouldn't blame them honestly.

But yeah that how I think everything would go down if I did die. I would make sure I wouldn't die from suicide, but from something else.