So I'm writing here because I have way too much family and co-workers on my facebook to even consider posting half of my thoughts there. So, sorry ya'll but you get to hear them instead.

I was driving home yesterday morning and the radio station djs were talking about anxiety/depression, panic attacks, whatnot, and one of them openly admitted she is on medication for her anxiety. She said that she used to whisper it, because of the stigma attached to it but now she openly admits it. She can see the difference it has made and feels no shame about being able to be a better mother/person now that is taking a pill every day.

What struck me though is when she said, "I could continue suffering with the anxiety and depression, or I could take a pill that does something about it. Why should I continue to suffer, if there is something that can help."

Ok, back story. I've been off and on meds since I was 15. I'm well past that age now, and I've currently been OFF of meds for about 6 years. And most of the time I'm perfectly fine, I can go weeks and have no issues. But then something triggers me, and it's usually something small of course, but it triggers the anxious overthinking. Normally the thoughts center around what would happen to me if I were to lose my mom. 

My mom is my best friend, not even ashamed to say it. I lost my dad when I was 21, we weren't close at all. He was never really in my life, so my mom was my rock. After he died, I clung to her so bad - to the point where I didn't like her leaving the house because I was afraid something would happen to her.

I do have an older sibling, so it's not like I would be totally alone, but she's not my mom (even though she often gets asked if she is, hehe). My mom is only 61, she's in decent health. So it's not like I have to worry about her keeling over tomorrow or anything, but the fear of her not being here with me kills me. I sat here and cuddled my cat and cried yesterday morning for about an hour about this. For absolutely NO REASON.

Like I logically knew there was no reason to even worry about this yet. Yes that day will come, it's a natural part of life, but that day is not today (haha bts reference).

(sigh), so I'm thinking I'm going to have to get back on some meds so I can deal with this a bit better. Ugh, I hate meds. I don't want to be on them, but maybe I should for a bit.