#RTG20 Chapter 20

"I'm sorry," the OB said after she explained to us what happened to the baby. Naka-tingin lang ako kay Sean habang pinapaliwanag niya iyong nangyari. I watched every shift of expression that crossed his face... But that look of betrayal? I could never forget that... Na para bang ginusto ko iyong nangyari... Na para bang sinadya ko... Kahit alam ko sa sarili ko na ginawa ko naman lahat ng sa tingin ko tama... Inalagaan ko naman 'yung sarili ko... Sinunod ko lahat ng bilin sa akin... The other things were out of my control...

But I guess like the case, this was my fault, too. Because at the end of the day, it was still my body... It was still me who was carrying the baby that I lost...

Tahimik lang kaming dalawa nang iwan kami ng doktor. Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya.

"Sean—"

"Are you hungry? I'll just buy food," sabi niya bago mabilis na tumayo at lumabas. Naiwan ako na naka-tanga roon—hindi alam ang gagawin.

I stared at the ceiling above me.

I quietly let the tears fall.

Gusto kong tawagan iyong pamilya ko... I wanted to be comforted... But I felt like everyone would be disappointed at me for what happened... Na alam ko naman na buntis ako pero tinuloy ko pa rin... Pero nagsabi naman ako... Nag-ingat naman ako... Pero baka nga kasalanan ko talaga...

I just quietly cried, hoping that the tears would stop from falling bago bumalik si Sean. Nang maka-rinig ako ng katok at mabilis kong pinunasan ang luha ko.

"Lyana," said Sancho when he opened the door.

I smiled weakly when I saw him. "Hey..." I said. "Nandito ka pa rin?" tanong ko dahil hindi ko na alam kung ano'ng oras na. All I knew was that he was the one who drove me here... And then I didn't see him again when I was taken in the operating room.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

Mabilis na tumulo na naman 'yung luha ko.

Why was I being this sensitive?

He just asked how I was...

Pero iyon 'yung gusto kong marinig kay Sean... Na tanungin niya naman sana ako kung paano ako... Hindi iyong puro iyong baby iyong naisip niya... Paano naman ako? Asawa pa rin naman niya ako... Hindi ko naman gusto 'yung nangyari... Wala namang may gusto...

"I'll be okay," I replied with a weak smile.

I knew I'd be okay... This pain... This was just temporary... I'd get over this... I just didn't know if Sean could get over this... Dahil sa paraan pa lang ng pagtingin niya sa 'kin, pakiramdam ko ay hinding-hindi niya 'to malilimutan...

"Ano'ng nangyari sa office?" tanong ko.

"Really? Office?"

"Yeah... They must've freaked out," I said with a small smile on my face. I didn't want to talk about the baby. I didn't want to talk about Sean. I just wanted my mind to focus elsewhere. Mababaliw ako kakaisip sa kung ano ang mangyayari kapag bumalik na si Sean. Kung kakausapin niya ba ako... Kung ano ang sasabihin niya... O kung ano iyong hindi niya sasabihin...

Sancho sat on the sofa. "They're talking about how Atty. Divina's the reason why that happened."

My eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yeah... So expect him to be really nice to you pagbalik mo."

"Bakit siya iyong inisip na dahilan?" tanong ko.

"Kaka-galing mo lang sa office niya nung mangyari. Of course siya ang sisisihin," Sancho casually said. I smiled at him, appreciating his effort to make everything seem lighter. "Baka nga i-promote ka pa nun, e."

Tumawa ako. "Ulit? Boss niyo na talaga ako?"

He simply shrugged. "Yeah, sure. I mean, I'll be okay with it," sabi niya.

Nagkwento si Sancho tungkol sa ibang kaso na hawak niya. He told me funny stories about his work and I really appreciated his effort. Kaya lang nang dumating si Sean ay mabilis siyang nagpaalam.

"I'll go ahead," Sancho told Sean and then he nodded at me.

Nang umalis si Sancho at tumingin ako kay Sean. Tahimik niyang nilagay iyong paper bag sa lamesa. He prepared the food that I'd eat... Hindi ko alam kung gusto kong mag-usap kami o hindi... Natatakot ako sa maririnig ko sa kanya...

"We can go home later," he said.

"Okay," I quietly replied.

Tahimik akong kumain.

Tahimik na natapos.

Tahimik hanggang maka-balik kami sa condo.

Everything felt quiet—little too quiet that it almost felt deafening...

Nang mahiga ako sa kama para matulog, ilang minuto ang lumipas bago ko naramdaman na mahiga rin si Sean... But he stayed on his side... Hindi kagaya ng dati na niyayakap niya ako hanggang sa maka-tulog siya...

He's so near yet he felt so far away...

* * *

Ayoko sanang bumalik sa trabaho dahil gusto kong mag-usap muna kami ni Sean... Pero kahit ano'ng kausap ang gawin ko sa kanya, wala akong makuhang matinong sagot... He'd tell me that he's fine, but he didn't feel fine... He'd smile at me, but all those felt deceiving...

Our house didn't feel like home anymore...

"How are you, Atty?" Atty. Divina asked. Nandun din si Atty. Zobel at si Atty. Gulmatico. I felt the eyes of the other lawyers on us... Ngumiti na lang ako sa kanila at sinabi na ayos lang ako. Ayokong pag-usapan pa iyong nangyari. I just wanted to go to work and focus my attention on my pending cases...

Dahil pag-uwi ko, si Sean na naman ang iisipin ko.

Kung kakausapin niya na ba ako.

Kung pag-uusapan na ba namin.

Pagbalik ko sa office ko, tahimik kong sinimulang basahin iyong mga draft sa lamesa ko. I didn't even notice what time it was anymore until I heard a knock on the door. And when it opened, I saw Sancho standing there.

"Lunch," he said.

"Oh," I replied, looking at my watch. "Right."

"You wanna have lunch?"

"Di mo kasama si Atty. Floresca?" I teased.

"Nandito ex niya," he said.

"Sino?" I asked, suddenly curious.

"Atty. Gomez de Liaño," he replied.

My lips parted. Oh... That's why they were so awkward around each other. Hanggang maka-rating kami ng cafeteria ay nagku-kwento lang si Sancho tungkol kina Atty. Floresca at Atty. Gomez de Liaño. He was so talkative. 'Di naman siya ganito kadaldal normally. He's just trying to entertain me.

Nang matapos iyong trabaho ko ay umuwi na ako... I tried to wait for Sean, but I didn't know if he'd go home tonight... Normally ay ganitong oras, nasa condo na siya...

I tried texting.

I tried calling.

I was getting tired, too.

Nang makita ko siya ay kinabukasan na. Kung hindi pa ako nagising habang kumukuha siya ng damit niya ay baka hindi na kami nagkita.

"Sean," I called. "Wala ka bang balak na kausapin ako?"

"Sob, please... I'm tired."

"Ako ba? Hindi ba ako pagod?"

But he kept on shoving his clothes in his bag. I felt tears forming in my eyes. I quickly wiped them away even before they could fall.

"I didn't want what happened!" I shouted at him.

"Isobel, I don't want to fight—"

"But I don't want your silence!"

Pero hindi siya tumigil. I was so enraged that I helped him pack his clothes. I threw his clothes in his bag and then shoved it against his chest nang matapos ako.

"You know what, Sean? Fuck you!" sigaw ko sa kanya. "Not once did you ask me if I was okay! Yes, I lost the baby, but for fuck's sake, I'm your wife! You didn't even bother to ask me how I was feeling! You fucking selfish prick!"

Napa-tigil siya sa ginagawa niya. He looked at me... and tears were brimming in his eyes.

"Let's not fight—"

"How can we fight when we don't even talk?!"

Pinunasan niya iyong luha. "Sob, please—"

Hindi na ako nakapagsalita.

Nanginginig ako sa lahat ng nararamdaman ko.

I silently cried in front of him.

This was hurting me...

This was breaking me...

And he wasn't even here to console me...

"Okay," I said as tears fell down. "Leave... Just leave..."

And I got my keys and went outside.

Because I couldn't watch him leave.

Because I still love him and this was breaking me.

* * *

Kinailangan naming magkita ni Sean.

Birthday ng kapatid niya.

We're expected to come.

The silence was chilling. I quietly put on my makeup and my heels. Nang matapos ako ay nakita ko si Sean na naghihintay lang sa akin sa couch.

Walang salitaang nangyari—we just began to walk towards the elevator. Pareho kaming naka-tingin sa pagpapalit ng numero.

"Did you get a gift?" I asked.

"It's in the car," he replied.

"Do we pretend we're okay?"

"Sob—"

"Just fucking answer the question."

I heard him sigh. "Yeah... I guess."

"Noted," sagot ko at saka pumasok sa loob ng elevator.

Nang makarating kami sa venue ay automatic na nagkaroon ng ngiti sa mukha ko. This was where I was good at—pretending. Pretending that everything's okay; pretending that my marriage wasn't falling apart.

Mommy Shirley hugged me tightly when she saw me.

"You're getting thinner..." she commented.

I smiled. Ano namang sasabihin ko? Na wala na akong ganang kumain dahil nakaka-tamad kumain mag-isa sa condo?

"Are you... are you and Sean okay, hija?" she asked.

I smiled. "Yes, we're fine po..." sagot ko bago ko inexcuse ang sarili ko para pumunta sa CR. Nang nandun ako ay napa-hinto ako. I saw Sean and Kelsey talking. I knew there was nothing to it... but I was all kinds of pissed with Sean already. Kapag ibang babae kakausapin niya, ako na asawa niya, hindi niya pinapansin?

I didn't want to make a scene.

I went outside and looked for Stephen. I greeted him first before I went to get the car from the valet. I drove to the nearest BAR and silently sat there and began drinking.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano na ako katagal na nandun nang bigla kong maramdaman na may tumabi sa akin.

"Why are you here?" Sancho asked.

I looked at him. "Why are you here?" I asked back.

He merely shrugged. "Someone sent me this photo," sabi niya sabay pakita sa akin ng picture ko.

I scoffed as I sipped my drink. "Stalker."

He grinned as he ordered his drink. Tahimik lang kaming dalawa habang umiinom.

"You wanna know why I'm drinking?" I asked.

"Yeah... but don't tell me if you don't want to," he replied.

I smiled at my drink.

Ang tagal ko na 'tong gustong sabihin... but saying it out loud would make it feel... real...

Like it was really happening...

That my marriage was falling apart...

"I think my marriage is over," I quietly said.

"You want me to reply?"

"No. I just want to vent," I said as I ordered another drink for myself.

"All ears," he replied.

But I didn't talk.

I just wanted someone by my side.

Ilang linggo na akong walang katabi.

Nang matapos akong uminom, Sancho wanted to drive me home, but I refused. He didn't push, instead, asked me to go someplace else to drink coffee bago ako umuwi.

We went to a convenience store instead. I got a huge bottle of water. Sancho bought boiled eggs and water?

"Do you think they'll let me take a leave?" I asked while I was opening the bottled water. Mukha kaming naliligaw—rather ako lang. I was wearing a red evening dress... while Sancho's wearing black pants and white shirt.

"Yeah, I think. After everything?" sagot niya.

"I wanna go home," tahimik kong sagot. "I miss the province life... Namimiss ko na sila Papa..."

Malungkot ako mag-isa sa condo.

Sometimes, I felt like breaking down.

"Then go home," he said. "Take a leave. Breathe. Then come back when you're okay."

I just smiled as I looked at the sky.

Alam ko na magiging okay lang ako kapag naging okay na kami ni Sean... I wasn't giving up on him... We're married... We needed to figure a way to work things up...

Minutes of silence passed. Tumingin ako sa kanya at ngumiti. "Thanks for listening," I said before I walked to my car and went home to my empty condo unit.

* * *

Hindi ko alam kung gaano pa katagal ang lumipas bago kami dumating sa puntong 'to. All I knew was that one day, Sean's back in the condo.

And that he wanted to talk.

"This is not working anymore," he said as he removed the ring from his finger and laid it on the table. I pursed my lips and fisted my knuckles and begged myself not to shed a tear in front of him.

Huminga ako nang malalim.

I'd been through a lot...

I weathered a lot for him...

I broke myself for him...

"Do you want an annulment?" I asked.

Hindi siya naka-sagot.

Ayokong marinig ang sagot.

But this was the question that we'd been ignoring for so long... No one wanted to ask the question yet we needed to hear the answer... Before it's too late... Before we're broken beyond repair...

My phone rang. Sabay kaming napa-tingin doon.

"Answer it," he said when I didn't move. "That's work. It might be important."

My jaw clenched and my eyes began to sting. "Are you... serious?" tanong ko. "Just tell me if you want an annulment."

"I don't know," he answered, looking into my eyes. "I don't know, Sob."

I looked at him.

Those eyes...

I love him.

I love him that this hurt.

"What do you want, Sean?"

"A break."

"A break? Sean, you don't even sleep in our house anymore. I barely even see you anymore... Ano'ng break pa ba ang kailangan mo?" nanghihinang tanong ko sa kanya. Sa kanya lang ako ganito... Sa kanya lang ako nagpapakita ng kahinaan... Pero bakit nagagawa pa rin niya akong saktan nang ganito?

"I don't know..." he said. "I don't have answers to your questions..."

"Is there someone else?" I croaked. Si Kelsey ba? O may iba ba? I just wanted to fucking know!

Hindi siya naka-sagot.

"Did you cheat, Sean? Did you break your promise to me when we got married?" muling tanong ko kahit pakiramdam ko ay dinudurog niya ako nang unti-unti sa bawat segundo na katahimikan lang ang namamagitan sa aming dalawa.

Instead of answering, he took a step closer and held my face.

"No," he said. "I never cheated on you. I'm just tired... This... This is draining me."

I bit my lower lip. "Ako ba hindi pagod?"

"Sob..."

"Sean, pagod din ako. Pero hindi ako sumusuko sa 'yo. Bakit ang dali naman sa 'yong sukuan tayong dalawa?"

"Sob, I'm not giving up. I just want a break—"

"For fuck's sake, Sean! Hindi mo ako girlfriend—asawa mo ako! Hindi pwede na tinatakbuhan mo ako, tinataguan!"

His hold on my face loosened.

He took a step back.

As if he was reminded.

He picked up his packed bag... a fucking bigger bag... na parang hindi na talaga siya babalik pa.

And that was the last I'd seen of him before we really did fall apart.