#RTG39 Chapter 39

Naka-ayos na lahat ng kailangan namin para sa pag-alis namin. Nasa hotel kami ngayon dahil tanghali ang flight namin at marami kaming dala. Mas pinili nila Mama na sa Maynila na kami magstay para hindi kami ma-late. Masyado raw traffic sa Maynila.

Nagsisimula na iyong hearing, pero hindi ako umattend. Sina Sean na lang daw ang bahala roon. Sasabihan na lang daw nila ako kapag final na iyong desisyon. Wala akong sinabi... kasi parang wala naman akong choice pa. Kahit ano ang gawin ko, may sinasabi sila.

Hindi ako maka-tulog.

Tahimik akong lumabas.

"San ka pupunta, Ate?" tanong ni Irina nang makita ko siyang naka-upo sa upuan sa gilid ng elevator.

"Magpapa-hangin lang."

"Sigurado ka, Ate? Baka kung saan ka pumunta."

"Galit ka ba sa 'kin?" diretso kong tanong sa kanya.

"Ayokong magalit sa 'yo, Ate, kasi iniintindi ko naman kung bakit ka nagkaka-ganyan... Pero ang hirap hindi magalit sa mga nakikita ko. Alam mo ba kung gaano kasakit sa akin na makita si Mama na nagmamakaawa? Si Papa? Alam mong sobrang proud na tao ni Papa..." Huminto siya. "Sobrang sakit sa 'kin na makita silang naka-luhod... Para sa 'yo... Tapos ni hindi ko man lang makita na nagsisisi ka sa ginawa mo."

Mapakla akong napa-tawa.

"Hindi ako nagsisisi? Kailangan ba lumuhod din ako sa harap niyo, ha, Irina? Akala mo ba hindi ako nahihirapan?"

"Bakit kasi hindi mo ginagamit 'yang utak mo, Ate? Lagi mo sa akin dating sinasabi na utak bago puso... Naaksidente ka lang, naging bobo ka na ba? Ha? Mahal mo si Kuya Sancho? E 'di sige. Pero bakit hindi na lang kayo naghintay ng annulment? Bakit kailangan mong magkaroon ng kabit? Ng anak sa labas? 'Wag mong idahilan sa 'kin na mahal mo kasi may utak ka naman. 'Di ka naman bobo."

Unti-unting sumisikip iyong dibdib ko sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya.

"Ngayon, kailangan nating umalis... Iwan lahat ng pinaghirapan natin dito... Iyong mga kaibigan... Kamag-anak... Iyong farm na binili nila Papa para sana doon na sila magstay nila Mama kasi gusto nilang mag-alaga ng mga halaman at manok... Wala na lahat 'yun... Dahil sa 'yo... Pero okay lang... Pamilya ka naman, e... Pero bakit ni hindi ka man lang magsorry sa amin?

"Sorry, Mama... Sorry, Papa... Sorry, Irina... Lahat ng plano niyo nabago dahil sa akin... Iyon lang naman... Para kasing ang hirap naman nito... Ni hindi ka man lang sorry sa mga gulong ginawa mo... Para kang bata..."

Mabilis siyang tumayo.

"Kung pupunta ka kay Kuya Sancho ngayon, 'wag ka ng bumalik. Magsama kayong dalawa."

Naiwan akong naka-tulala roon.

Mabilis na pumatak ang luha sa mga mata.

* * *

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang pumasok sa isip ko, pero sumakay ako ng taxi at nagpa-hatid sa ospital nila Sean. Hindi ko pa siya nakikita ulit... Ang huling pagkikita namin, nung na-ospital pa si Mama. Ang dami ng nangyari.

Aalis na ako.

Tama si Irina.

Gusto kong humingi ng tawad bago ako umalis.

Tahimik akong naglakad sa hallway ng ospital nila. Napapa-tingin sa akin iyong ibang nurse. Kilala siguro nila ako. Mawawala na rin naman ako... Gusto ko lang umalis ng nasabi ko lahat.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal na naglalakad bago ko nakita iyong pangalan ni Sean sa isang pinto. Nakita ko na may ilaw sa loob. Nandun siguro siya. Pero hindi agad ako maka-katok sa pinto. Ilang beses akong humugot ng malalim na hininga bago ako naka-hanap ng sapat na lakas ng loob para kumatok.

"What?" rinig kong sabi niya.

Hindi ako gumalaw.

Narinig ko iyong pagtayo niya... hanggang siya na mismo iyong nagbukas ng pintuan. Nakita ko iyong bahagyang panlalaki ng mga mata niya bago bumaba ang mga mata niya sa tiyan ko.

"What do you want?" tanong niya.

"Can we talk?"

"I don't have anything to say to you."

Mapakla akong ngumiti. "Ako... may sasabihin ako sa 'yo," sabi ko bago muling humugot ng malalim na hininga. "Please? Kahit 10 minuto lang."

Hindi pa rin siya nagsalita.

"Aalis na ako mamaya... Gusto ko lang sabihin lahat... Para alam mo... Para alam ko... Para makapagsimula ka na ulit... Para wala ng mga tanong na maiwan..."

Naka-tingin lang ako sa kanya.

Naghihintay ng sasabihin niya.

"Fine," sagot niya bago isara iyong pinto sa likod niya. Tahimik akong naka-sunod sa kanya kahit hindi ko alam kung saan siya pupunta. Napunta kami sa rooftop ng hospital. Naka-tingin kami sa mga ilaw ng sasakyan sa baba.

"Sean—"

"Just please say your piece and be gone. I'm just so done with you, Isobel. I can't take anymore."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Pinahid iyong mga luhang nagbabadyang tumulo.

"I'm sorry..." I said to his silence. "I'm sorry for not trying hard enough to save our marriage... I'm sorry for not really giving you a chance... I'm sorry for having feelings for someone else..."

I saw him breathing deeply.

He looked up at the skies above us and clenched his jaw.

"Aren't you sorry for having his child?"

Umiling ako. "I don't want to feel sorry for having this kid, Sean... Ayaw na sa kanya ng pamilya ko... Ako na lang 'yung meron siya..."

Pinilit ko naman na 'wag umiyak.

Pero traydor na mga luha.

"You wanna know what hurts me the most, Isobel?" he asked, looking at me with all the betrayal in the world. "Is that you're willingly giving him what I had to beg you for... It fucking hurts like hell."

Humikbi ako.

"I asked myself over and over again... Where the fuck did I go wrong? I was sure I was a good boyfriend... Hell, I did everything to be a good husband... I'm sorry we didn't talk about having a kid... I'm really fucking sorry about that... But I really tried... God, I really tried..."

"Hindi ko naman sinasadya—"

"Do you wanna know what we fought about the day you got into an accident?"

Hindi ako naka-sagot.

"I was in the condo... I wanted to apologize... I heard you're asking about annulment and I didn't want that. I married you. I loved you. I wanted to fight for us. But then I saw those threats... Fuck. You were being threatened by that fucking Fred and you told me nothing about it? Were you really trying to stress yourself out? Were you purposefully trying to abort the baby?"

Umiling ako.

"You're different now..." he said, clenching his jaw. "I'm gonna tell you about the woman I married... She's so fucking ambitious. I loved that about her... but I didn't know that ambition would drive her that far. I refused to think about it... but maybe I was right. We fought about that. I told you you killed our baby. You slapped me." He bitterly laughed. "I could still feel the sting like it was yesterday."

Tumalikod siya at sumandal sa railing.

"You said you didn't want to see me. You went home... And then I learned that you got into an accident... You know how guilty that made me feel? I felt like I was the one who killed you... It fucking haunted me... It nearly drove me crazy..."

I saw him wipe the tears from his eyes.

"Kelsey was there... She's been always nice to me... I thought... Why not, right? I mean, she loves me... I care about her... Maybe it's for the best. I didn't think I'd want to love ever again. You hurt me so badly. I don't want that kind of pain again. It tore me up inside."

Tumingin siya sa akin.

"Then you came back... But you're different... You're not the one I married... You talk differently... You look at me differently... You're just not the same anymore..."

Huminga siya nang malalim.

"But still... You're my wife. I wanted to give it another try. I talked to Kelsey about you. She said she understands... because I never lied to her. I told her before we decided to get married that you'll always be a part of me... that's why it was easy for her to leave. Because she knew that she was just holding your spot for you."

"Why... is she so stupid?"

Sean smiled. "She's not stupid... She just knows what she wants. She knows when to hold on and let go. If I were to be honest, I wanna be like her. I wanna let you go... I don't want you in my head anymore, Isobel. Until now, you're still in my head and it's driving me insane."

Walang nagsalita sa amin.

Tahimik akong naka-tingin sa kanya.

"Did... I have feelings for Sancho before?"

"No. You loved me. You only loved me."

"Mabuti naman."

"That's why it was so hard to let go... because I knew how much you loved me before... I was just hoping that somewhere inside you, you still had it in you... The love you had for me then..."

Huminga siya nang malalim.

"But I guess I was the only one holding on. And it sucked."

Tumingin ako sa kanya.

Nasasaktan ako para sa kanya.

"I'm sorry, Sean..."

"I married Isobel. You're not that person anymore."

Naglakad siya palayo.

Huminto.

Muling humarap sa akin.

"I'm still angry... I'm very angry..."

"I know..."

"I'm not sorry about the disbarment."

"I know..." tahimik kong sagot. "Salamat sa hindi pagtuloy sa adultery..."

"That was my mom..." Malungkot siyang ngumiti sa akin. "I'd never send you to prison. I'm so angry at you... I wanna kill Sancho... But the fact that you believe that I'd do that to you?" Muli na namang namula iyong paligid ng mata. "You really don't love me anymore, huh?"

Mabilis siyang tumalikod at naglakad palayo.

Narinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto.

Was that enough?

Was my apology enough?

He was still hurting... but I hope that me leaving would be enough for me to leave his head... I just wanted him to find the peace that I wanted to find myself.