Chapter Twenty-Seven
Molly's last session with Doctor Alan Ranch takes place at exactly nine in the morning. He doesn't know the outcome of the case yet and he doesn't mention it. It's the elephant in the room but Molly knows that if this is the last time they ever get to see each other then he doesn't want to waste it. They go for a walk around the grounds and then he buys her breakfast at the cafeteria upstairs. It's busier than when she and Charlie visited but that doesn't startle her.
"The panel have confirmed that you're fit for being discharged," he says resentfully. "Despite my assessment indicating otherwise. I hoped that if you had to stay a little longer then it would go in your favour with the judge."
Molly takes a break from eating her pancakes and drinks some of her coffee. "It's probably better that I go home so I can spend my last few days there."
"I agree with you. But I want you to remain in the state more than I want you to say goodbye to the people you care about."
"When is your friend presenting my case?"
"In an hour. I'm meeting him at the courthouse. That means I won't be here when you're discharged but I'll call you later as soon as I know anything."
"It's okay, I appreciate what you're doing. So I guess this might be the last time I ever see you. Unless you want to make the trip to New York twice a week. I know you're committed but I think that might be a stretch."
Alan grins. "The psychologists in New York are highly valued, you'll be in good hands there."
"But they're not you," Molly whispers. "They'll be the same as all the other ones, they'll confine me to a room and pick apart my emotions. Helen tried that for three months and I still ended up on the bridge."
"I do things differently but that doesn't mean that this has all been for nothing," Alan says. "I'd like to hope that what we've gained in our sessions you'll take with you. That you will remember what's important."
"Watching movies about families and getting dressed in the morning?" Molly raises an eyebrow and then smiles. "I think I'll remember that."
"And finding what can comfort you," Alan says. "Not just a dog or company from a friend but something more. You have to step outside, Molly."
"I did. I walked to school and-"
"I'm talking about your comfort zone."
"Oh." She nods in agreement. "That could be worked on."
"You need to let loose, lose a little control. Have some fun. The longer you spend inside walls the more you will look for the easiest way to escape them. The hardest way is stepping outside and embracing the uncertainty of the world but it's the world outside that gives us the rush of emotions that we crave." Alan says it so simply as though it should come naturally to Molly, or anyone. "What is it that you want? What do you crave?"
The question catches her off guard and she takes a while to answer. So many things come to mind; she wants to taste alcohol, she wants to dance, she wants to be able to listen to music without fearing a panic attack. But her answer surprises both of them.
"I want to learn how to drive," Molly says. "I want to own a car. I want to live somewhere long enough that I can make plans. Real plans. And drive myself to those plans."
"That's a realistic craving," Alan laughs. "I'm sure-"
"And I want to learn how to cook," Molly says, as she stares at her half-eaten pancakes. "I want to care about something so much that it's more than just a hobby, it's a part of my life. Like my drawings."
"I've seen your drawings, you're very talented. Have you thought about art school?"
Molly shrugs. "What I want. . . is to feel like I deserve it. To stop feeling guilty that I survived and to stop relying on the pain to make me feel better. Because it doesn't, it never did, and I think. . . I think I deserve to live."
Alan studies her closely but she can't look him in the eye. She takes deep breaths and squeezes her fingers together on her lap. That's the most honest thing she's ever said and it feels so good to finally get it out.
"Yes, you do."
Molly smiles widely. "I think I'm ready."
"I think you're ready too," Alan says as he stands up.
They walk back to the reception building for the last time. As they're leaving the elevator Alan smiles at her in a way that confuses her.
"I may have lied to you before," he says. "There's just some things that I don't want to miss."
Molly turns the corner and sees her foster parents waiting in the reception area, surrounded by Molly's bags. Molly packed them this morning and she mentioned that to Alan so he must have had a nurse bring them out. Pam and Daniel's eyes light up when they see her and she freezes for a moment as she realises what's happening.
"You don't ever have to go back to that room again," Alan says in her ear. "They've signed the papers an hour early. You're free to go."
Molly is almost in tears as she looks at him. "Thank you." She wraps her arms around him, wiping her cheeks with her sleeve. And then her eyes peer down to the fluffy, four-legged friend that is waiting patiently at her side. "Both of you." Molly kneels down and strokes Shiloh's fur for the last time, he rests his head into her throat when her tears get stronger. "You're gonna help someone else now. They're lucky to have you. Goodbye, boy."
Even Alan is getting emotional and his eyes are a little fuzzy as he stands still, watching her distance herself further and further. "I'll call you later, okay?"
"Okay," Molly whimpers as she greets her foster parents.
"You ready to get out of this place?" Daniel says.
"Yeah. Let's go."
"Good luck," Alan calls.
Molly can't hide her tears as she walks towards the exit. She tastes her first breath of freedom and then she turns back around.
"Remember this," Savannah said."You're only as strong as someone else's belief in you."
Molly looks at Shiloh, who is restlessly pulling on his leash, trying to get towards her. And then she waves at Alan, the doctor that saved her life, that gave her hope, whose belief in her has made her as strong as she once was.
Pam puts her arm around Molly as they walk towards the car. The hospital fades far into the background as they drive home. Molly sees the bridge coming up but instead of closing her eyes or panicking she merely stares out of the window and fixates on the water below them.
"I'll have to go back to work soon," Daniel says. "But I can make time for a coffee."
"Okay," Molly says.
"I'll have to leave for an appointment around two but I'll be back after picking the kids up," Pam says sadly. "Maybe I should cancel it."
"No, don't cancel anything," Molly says desperately. "I'll be fine on my own, honestly. I've got a lot of school work to catch up on."
"School work," Daniel chuckles. "Back in my day that was a euphemism for. . ." He trails off when Pam glares at him and Molly laughs. "Never mind."
A few minutes later they pull up outside the house. It never felt like home to Molly but now she can't imagine being anywhere else. She walks inside and it's much quieter without the kids around. The peace is nice. Daniel takes her bags upstairs and Molly drifts into the cream-colored lounge, taking a seat on the red couch. It feels like her first day here all over again, she doesn't know what to say or how to act.
Daniel returns and walks right by her as he joins Pam in the kitchen. Molly overhears something that resembles arguing but it's so fast that she isn't sure. They enter the lounge with mugs and Pam passes Molly her coffee.
"Thanks," Molly says.
"We need to talk to you about something," Pam says. "Don't worry it's nothing bad, we've-"
Daniel's phone starts ringing and he groans as he stands back up. "I have to get this. Sorry."
Pam scowls after him as he walks into a corner. She taps her fingers against the mug and taps her foot, smiling at Molly strangely.
"I have to go," Daniel says.
"Isn't this more important?" Pam hisses.
"It's out of my control. I'll be back later, we'll talk then?" Daniel bends down and kisses Pam on the cheek. "I love you."
After Daniel leaves the house, Molly cocks her head sideways and narrows her eyes with interest.
"Never mind. We'll talk later." Pam continues to smile, acting as though none of that happened. "How does it feel being back here? Is it weird?"
"Very weird," Molly says.
"And you think we're good guardians, right?"
"What's going on?" Molly demands.
"Your social worker is filing a complaint against us for negligence," Pam sighs. "Because we installed a doorknob with an integrated lock from the inside."
"That's ridiculous."
"She knows about the court case; she's trying to damage our credit. In her opinion, locks should have keys that are kept out of the reach of anyone that isn't an adult. Which I agree with completely but the reason we have that lock is because of emergencies. What if the kids needed to leave the house because of a fire and we're the ones with the keys? And we're unconscious?" Pam takes a sip of her coffee and then taps her fingers again. "She's being petty which means she's under pressure."
"Fires can happen," Molly mumbles. She remembers when she was told that her grandparents were killed in a fire, on a night she was sleeping somewhere else. "I think it's a better way to keep us safe."
"Try telling her that." Pam rolls her eyes. "The letter slot is at the bottom of the door so it's not like anyone can reach up and unlock it from the outside, but of course she's also using that as an excuse to discredit us. Sorry, you shouldn't have to be dealing with this on your first day back, are you sure you'll be alright if I leave you later? It won't be for long."
"I'm sure," Molly says.
"Your doctor said that I should just leave you to it and that I shouldn't pry. So I'm going to take a shower and you just call for me if you need anything."
Molly nods with a wry smile. Pam leaves abruptly and Molly spins her head around the silent house. She takes her empty coffee mug into the kitchen and dumps it in the sink before glancing at the drawings on the fridge. Most of them are from Henley, she recognises the blended colours. He loves bright colours. She makes her way upstairs, passing the bathroom where Pam is whistling a tune to herself as the water runs. Molly enters her bedroom slowly. It's still the same, nothing has changed. The walls are a light pink, her bed is a double with a soft, green duvet. Her desk is still filled with her books from school along with homework assignments, files and meaningless objects that she hasn't missed. She turns her laptop on and grabs her biology workbook. She flips through pages of the human body, finding it surprisingly familiar. She thought she would have forgotten most of the subjects from school but it's all coming back to her as she makes her way through the workbooks while writing notes in between. After biology, she moves on to history. The book is marked with the last page she read and she enters the grim world of the slavery trade.
"I'm leaving now." Pam sticks her head through a gap in the door. She's dressed in a buttoned, white shirt with a black blazer as though she's going to an interview. "Having fun?"
"I have definitely not missed this," Molly mutters.
"Education is overrated anyway," Pam sneers. "I am definitely a good guardian, I swear."
Molly laughs. "See you later."
"Bye."
Molly spends a couple more hours completing her history assignments, along with reading a few entries of French. She feels better for doing it, like Alan said she would. Even though she might be moving to New York in two days she still wants her teachers to receive her work so she emails it to them. It's just after four when Charlie messages her that he's on his way. She turns her laptop off and moves over to the mirror.
Her hair is messy even after brushing it and she doesn't know what to do with it. She plaits it from the bottom, tying a thick band at the end. She changes into dark blue jeans with a thin, red sweater that reveals her shoulders. Molly stares into her eyes, glancing around the room. She finds her make up kit buried at the bottom of a box of papers and she rushes through it in a panic. She adds mascara to her eyelashes, thickening them, and then covers her face with a light foundation. She hasn't worn make up in days and the difference is outstanding. She looks better, healthier, and she feels more confident too. She adds a pink cherry lip-gloss just as the front door knocks. Molly grabs her phone and jogs down the stairs.
She unlocks the door and forces herself to smile when she opens it but it comes out more sarcastically than she hoped. Charlie is half-turned away as he looks around the neighbourhood, but when he looks back to her he takes a deep breath as he studies her from head to toe.
"Hey," Molly says.
"Hey, you look. . . different." Charlie smiles to himself and rubs his jaw. "A good different."
"Come in."
Molly backs away from the door and enters the lounge. Charlie closes it and looks around as he follows her. He lingers in the doorway, creating an awkward tension.
"Sit down," Molly says. "You want a drink?"
"Uh. . . you got anything stronger than coffee?"
Molly grins and shakes her head.
"Coffee's fine. Thanks." Charlie clears his throat and sits on the couch.
Molly turns and walks into the kitchen. Out of his sight, she leans against the counter and bends over it as the coffee pot boils. She takes deep breaths and wafts cool air her way to calm herself. She makes herself a hot chocolate and makes his coffee, and then carries them into the lounge slowly. Charlie is sitting at the far end of the couch and she doesn't know whether to sit with him or sit on the other one. She decides to brave it and she places the mugs on the table and sits at the other end of the couch. Charlie nudges a little closer.
"How was school?" Molly asks.
"The same as yesterday. Boring and exhausting," Charlie says.
"No more run-ins with Roy?"
"Strangely no, he walks right by me as though I'm not there. I don't know which I prefer. How are you doing?" Charlie suddenly turns and looks at her. She looks away. "I guess you've probably heard that a lot today, sorry for being predictable."
"Are you only here to check up on me?" Molly says with suspicion. "I told you not to worry about me, so don't. Please."
"Why is it so important to you that I stop worrying?" Charlie says. "It's my choice who I spend my time with and I choose to spend it with you. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Your girlfriend might think there's something wrong with that," Molly mumbles.
"We're on a break," he says. "That was my choice, too. I need to figure some stuff out."
"What stuff?"
Charlie looks over her eyes and almost says it but he cowers at the last second and diverts his attention to the table. "It doesn't matter. I can't be around her right now, she's too intense."
"And she doesn't listen to you," Molly says. "Whereas I listen to every single problem that you have."
"Yes," he says. He doesn't show shame in his admittance and Molly likes that about him, that he's just so brutally honest and doesn't care to hide it. "I like that you listen to me. I like having someone that I can talk to. Is that so bad?"
"I can't be your therapist, Charlie," Molly whispers.
Charlie rolls his eyes. "That isn't what this is."
"And I can't be your friend."
"Why?" he demands. "Because I have a girlfriend that I'm probably going to break up with?" He slides over the couch closer to Molly until they're so close that her heart is dancing. "Why?" he repeats. Their eyes are interlocked and she leans forwards, he doesn't make a sound and he doesn't move a muscle, their lips are almost meeting and she can't handle the lies.
"Because I'm leaving," she whispers.
Charlie moves away slowly; he rubs his jaw tenderly. "What?"
"I'm leaving on Saturday, they're relocating me to New York. I don't have a choice in it. I wish I did but because this is only a temporary placement then they can move me anywhere."
"New York?" he mutters. "That's hundreds of miles away! They can't do that."
"They can," Molly says. "My doctor has hired a lawyer to try and delay it but even if the judge approves the delay I can still be moved within the month."
Charlie leans back into the couch and stares into the air. "That's why you said you didn't want to see me anymore last night? Were you ever going to tell me the truth?"
"You were the hardest person to tell," she admits.
"You can't just let them walk all over you! You've got to stand up for yourself, Molly. It's your life. Say no."
"It's not that simple." She groans. "My social workers placed me here, they're the ones that budget my life here. I have no legal hold to this house or this family. If I refuse to go then they can involve the police to remove me."
Charlie falls quiet as he thinks. Molly uses the silence to reflect on what just happened between them. They almost kissed. She doesn't know what that means and as much as she wants to ask, it isn't the right time.
"New York." Charlie exhales heavily through his nostrils. "Lots and lots of people. Crowds. I want to throw up just thinking about it."
"I'll have to make the best out of a bad situation," Molly says. "I've gotten quite good at it."
"Care to share some tips?"
"I'm sure you'll figure your 'stuff' out," Molly says with a grin. "All on your own."
Charlie laughs quietly and then looks at his fingers. "I used to think that senior year was a lifetime away. That I'd have all this time to figure it out. And now it's here I'm just as clueless as I was back then."
"Do you want to go to college?"
"I don't know," he says. "Honestly, I have no idea. I want to start working and eventually rent my own apartment. I want to travel, see more of the world. I just want to get out of high school."
"And here I am wanting to get back in," Molly says. "Who cares if you don't go to college? It's not a written law."
Charlie widens his eyes and takes a sip of his coffee. "My mother."
"Ah."
"She's always been academically gifted. She studied at Harvard Law. She's annoyingly intelligent and talking about colleges is her favourite thing to do over dinner."
"Sounds like you need to stand up for yourself too," Molly says as she gently swings her shoulder into his. "Let me see if I can remember this correctly. It's your life. Say no."
Charlie laughs, accepting the defeat. Molly picks up her hot chocolate and tries her best not to look at him because every time she does her chest becomes a little tighter and her palms sweat a little more. When she places the mug back on the table, Charlie has nudged even closer. She finds his confused brown eyes somehow and she's enchanted by the silence. Maybe it's because she's leaving that the tension has changed or maybe it's because they're finally in a setting where both of them feel comfortable, but she wants to try it. Charlie's face is so close to hers that their foreheads are touching. And then the door opens.
Molly pulls away as Henley and Daisy run through the doorway. She slides back over to the far side of the couch and she's surprised to find Charlie still looking at her, grinning slightly.
"Molly!" Henley screams.
Molly opens her arms as Henley jumps in them. He wraps his arms so tight around her shoulders that she stands up and carries him across the room.
"I missed you so much," Henley says.
"I missed you too," Molly says. Henley slides down to the ground and Daisy is next to jump on her.
"I knew you'd come home," Daisy says in her ear.
Molly holds her a little tighter, fighting the tears. Lily enters the room slowly, glaring at Charlie with caution.
"Hey," Molly says.
"Hey," Lily says.
"Good day at school?"
Lily nods and then bursts into a run that Molly isn't prepared for. Lily has never hugged anyone, not even Daisy or Henley, so Molly is stunned that she's wrapping her arms around her. She must have been really worried about her. Molly is still getting used to being cared about that much.
"I've got homework to do," Lily says, before pulling away and speed walking towards the staircase.
Molly glances over to Charlie who is currently the victim to Daisy and Henley's daily storytelling. Daisy sits beside him comfortably and starts talking about what her and Jaz did at breaktime and how they helped a boy that got stuck on the climbing frame. Charlie is nodding and laughing while trying to ignore that Henley is bringing him toy cars that he drops in his lap.
"Kids! Where are you?" Pam yells.
"In here!" Daisy yells.
Pam enters the room with their bags in her fingertips. She greets Molly with a smile and then her face drops when she sees Charlie.
"Oh, hello," Pam says quietly. "I didn't know you were coming over."
"I asked him to," Molly says. "We were just talking."
"Talking. Right."
"How did the appointment go?" Molly asks.
"Fine. Yeah. Everything's just fine." Pam is staring at Charlie in a strange way, as though she wants to ask him something but doesn't know how to begin. She pauses in the kitchen doorway while scratching her head. "While you're here, Charlie do you think you could take a look at something for me? Daniel won't get home for a while."
"Uh. . . sure," Charlie says.
He glances at Molly as he stands and she shrugs. Molly's phone vibrates in her pocket while Daisy and Henley are playing a game on the floor and she walks into the entrance hall so she can hear better.
"Hello?" Molly whispers.
"Hey, Molly it's Doctor Ranch. How are you doing?"
"I'm okay," she says. "It's been easier than I thought but it's only been a few hours, right?"
"Right," he says. "I've um. . . I've got some news."
Molly drops down onto the staircase as she listens. She closes her eyes and clenches her hand into a fist. He tells her that he's sorry, that he did everything he could, that he fought as hard as possible. She knew this would happen anyway, there was just a part of her that hoped it wouldn't. She tells him goodbye and she thanks him for everything, before wiping her eyes and heading to the kitchen. Charlie and Pam are having a discussion at the other side of the room and they fall silent when she enters.
"I just got a call," Molly says. "The judge declined the appeal. Because of my release today I was deemed stable enough for relocation. I'm going to New York."
Pam shakes her head and places a hand on her hip. Her and Charlie exchange a look and Molly wonders if she's missed something.
"I'll tell the kids myself later," Molly says.
"No," Pam says. "Don't say anything yet. It's not over."
"What do you mean?"
"I should go," Charlie says.
"Think about what we talked about," Pam whispers.
"I will."
Charlie walks right past Molly and she flanks him in confusion. He waves goodbye to the kids and Molly calls his name as they reach the door.
"You want to tell me what that was about?" Molly demands.
"She's just worried about you, that's all," Charlie says, but Molly isn't convinced. "She was doing the overprotective foster mother thing." Charlie doesn't look her in the eye and Molly knows that he's lying but she lets it go.
"What if this is the last time that we ever see each other?" Molly whispers.
Charlie smiles and places his hand to her face. "It won't be."
"I'm scared, Charlie."
"Come here."
Molly rests her face into his chest and she hears his slow heartbeats through his shirt. He smells so good, like lemon soap. Her heart is beating so fast that it's making her dizzy. His fingers graze over her back,and she doesn't want him to ever stop. Her fears are slowly vanishing, he's forcing them away.
"Bye," he whispers.
She folds her arms as he walks through the door. There's a part of her that just wants to run after him and confess everything that she can't bring herself to say when she's near him. Like how she feels when he's around, how loud her heart beats when he touches her, how much her life is worth living now and how most of it is because of him. But instead, she closes the door, runs up the stairs and settles for a silent scream into her pillow.
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