Luke's POV

Once I got home from Delilah's the other day, reality sunk in, and I was upset. But what else is new.

I had a great time with Delilah and Lucy when it snowed, but being that happy made me more upset. I feel guilty for being happy, even though Delia said that she wants me to be happy. It's just so hard. My sadness is a part of me now, I'm not automatically going to become happy. It's going to take a lot to do that. And I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully happy without feeling slightly guilty.

And I couldn't help but think how much Delia would have loved seeing the snow.

The voicemail really messed with my emotions. It wasn't what I was expecting at all. I don't really know what I was expecting, but it definitely wasn't that. I'm not sure if it would have made thigsn easier if she'd just said she was mad at me, like I thought she was. I just wish I could have one more day with her and settle everything. But now I'll never know what could have, or would have, happened to us. I'll always wonder.

So for the past few days, I've locked myself in my room like I usually do. Delilah's texted me a few times asking how I am, but I haven't responded. I just can't right now.

I've been thinking a lot about Delilah. I'm really conflicted by everything about her. She makes me so happy, but she makes me sad, too. It's so confusing. She's so confusing.

I also haven't really wanted to see Delilah, but at the same time, I want to. Like I said, it's confusing.

 When I was at her house wrapped up in her blanket, I panicked. I don't know if it was because we were so close, or because I could smell her perfume which reminded me of Delia, even though it smelled nothing like Delia, or if it was just everything. I feel like I'm getting too attached, or something. That's what always happens, and then something goes wrong. I'm afraid of losing something, or someone, that means a lot to me again. I don't like how I'm becoming so close to Delilah, it scares me. So I had a small panick attack on the couch once I started thinking about Delilah, and Delia, and the voicemail and everything else that's happening. It all hit me at once, and I freaked out. 

I've been avoiding her ever since. I feel bad that I always avoid her when something happens, but it's just what I do. It's who I am.

Thankfully, Delilah isn't working when I go to my appointment with Candace. I don't know what I would have done if she was there. She makes me feel so many things all at once.

I hate it.

Candace is her usual cheery self. I'm my usual depressed self.

"How are you today, Luke?" Candace asks.

That's when I break.

I tell her everything. Well, I write it on the white board. It takes a really long time. I tell her how I listened to the voicemail and how I'm feeling about Delilah. I've been opening up a little more every visit. I think it's because I've been taking my pills. They've been making me do things that are so unlike me.

Or maybe I'm changing, I don't know.

Before I know it, I'm crying as usual. I blame the pills for crying so much, too.

Candace always comforts me when I cry like this, and I find it extremely awkward. I don't even know why I cry half the time. It just happens all the time. I'm constantly overcome with emotions. That's another thing I hate too. Whenever I cry, I try to stop myself from crying. I end up breathing weirdly and getting the hiccups, it's awful.

Candace tells me that she's happy I listened to the voicemail. She asks if I've listened to it more than once, and I have.

I've listened to it every day, hoping to figure things out. I think it's just making things worse though.

Candace says that probably isn't helping my situation. She says I need to live in the present, and try to not let the past hurt so much.

But the past is hurting me while making me happy, too. Just like the present is.

"Luke," Candace says, once I'm done crying. I wipe my wet cheeks and look at her.

She gets up and hands me a small notepad. "I want you to make a list of things that make you happy. Keep this with you all week. When you find something that makes you happy, or smile or laugh, write it down. Bring it with you when you come next week, and we'll go through it. Does that sound like something you can do?"

I nod and take the notepad from her, sticking it in my pocket.

"Being happy isn't a bad thing, I promise."

I shrug and grab a tissue from the table.

"Now that you're becoming more open with things, I think it's time that you try a support group again too," she says, smiling kindly.

I shake my head quickly. She always tries to get me to go to a support group, but I refuse.

She sighs lightly. "I really think it would help. What about just one person?"

I shrug. One person would be better than a lot. If I have to, I guess.

"There's a new patient, Michael. He's kind of like you. You two have some similarities, I think you could really help each other."

I rest my head in my hand and sniff a little.

"Only if you want to, of course. I help him, too. I think he's here for speech therapy tonight, actually," Candace says, standing up from her seat. She looks through a calendar and sits back down. "He's here right now. I think you should meet him. Want me to go get him?"

If I had my choice, I'd say no. I think I nod, though. Which is weird because my mind is saying no, but I'm nodding. I stop nodding and furrow my eyebrows in confusion as to what I just did. I roll my eyes at my stupidity.

Candace smiles and heads out to the waiting room. She comes back after a few minutes with who I assume is Michael. He stands shyly behind Candace, looking down at his feet.

He's not what I expected at all. He has purple hair and a band shirt on. But he's wearing black jeans and converse, so I guess he's okay. At least he dresses better than Ashton.

"Luke, this is Michael. Michael, that's Luke," Candace says, introducing us. I wave, and Michael waves back. He takes a small step forward.

I quickly rub my eyes, hoping it's not noticeable that I've been crying.

"You can sit right there," Candace tells Michael. He slowly sits across from me and avoids making eye contact with me. "Pretend I'm not here," Candace says, sitting in her chair.

I'm questioning whether or not he doesn't talk either. Because how are we supposed to get anything accomplished if neither of us talk? Yes, two mutes sitting silently, having a wonderful time passing notes to one another. I'm dreading this already.

"Go ahead, Michael. Do what we've practiced," Candace whispers. Michael looks from Candace to me and hesitantly opens and closes his mouth a few times.

"H-Hi, I'm- I'm Michael," he finally says quietly. His cheeks blush, and he looks down. He nervously bites his nails.

"Good, Michael, good job," Candace whispers happily.

I type in my phone. "Nice to meet you."

He smiles a little.

I type more in my phone. "My friend Calum likes Green Day too. It's his favorite band." I point to his shirt, which has Green Day on it.

"Th- That's c-cool," Michael says, smiling for real this time.

I nod and type more. "I like their song Carpe Diem, but that's it. I'm not really into music. Green Day I can tolerate, sometimes."

Michael laughs nervously and plays with the hem of his shirt. "I- I like a-all their s-songs."

We sit awkwardly, not knowing what else to say.

"Luke, tell him where you're from," Candace whispers to me, obviously trying to help the conversation.

"I'm from Australia," I type.

"Th- That's c-cool."

Michael says cool a lot.

I shrug. "I was kinda in the middle of nowhere, but yeah, I guess."

Michael points to my phone. "C- Can you t-talk?"

I feel my cheeks blush. I nod. "I just don't want to."

"Oh," Michael says, taking a deep breath. "Th-That's cool." He fiddles his thumbs, and finally looks up at me.

I wonder why Michael stutters. If it's something he's always had, or if it's nerves. But it's ok. After we talk for awhile, I don't notice it as much. He says cool at least ten times, but that's okay too. I cry too much, he says cool too much. Everyone has their things. But the more we talk, the less he says cool and the less I feel like crying.

I actually kind of like "talking" to Michael. He's not so bad. Candace was right, it might help. We're sort of alike, I guess, in the talking area, anyways. He said he doesn't like skittles, and I almost ended it right then and there, but I didn't. I'm not sure why.

I don't know what's happening to me. Old Luke would have never given Michael a chance.

"I- I'll see y- you around, Luke?" Michael says once we've been talking almost an hour. He says it more like a question, like he's unsure I'll want to see him again.

"Yeah," I type. "I'll see you later."

THIS WAS KINDA JUST A FILLER FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND TO SHOW THAT LUKE IS STILL SAD BUT HE'S WORKING ON GETTING HAPPIER AND TO INTRODUCE MICHAEL. idk if i really like this but i hope you guys do

be prepared for the next few chapters just warning you a LOT is gonna happen (let's hope i do a good job writing what I'm planning)

SO MANY OF YOU ASKED ABOUT THE PRIVATE 5SOS CONCERT SO I MADE A VIDEO EXPLAINING IT AFTER 3 MONTHS LOL MY YOUTUBE IS CALLMEASHLEY98

voting for people's choice watty ends november 15 so keep tweeting THE LINK to this fanfic with #wattys2014 and tag me @singsongash and i'll follow some of you :)

ilyasm

-ashley