"I told you everything

Opened up and let you in

You made me feel alright

For once in my life

Now all that's left of me

Is what I pretend to be

So together, but so broken up inside

'Cause I can't breathe

No, I can't sleep

I'm barely hangin' on"

A single tear rolls down my cheek. This song always makes me cry. It relates to me so much. Especially with my dad saying that I'm a terrible singer and worthless. I feel like this song was made for me.

This week's theme is guilty pleasures. I decided I would sing Behind These Hazel Eyes by Kelly Clarkson. This song just fits me so perfectly. Especially with everything going on with Louis. I've been listening to it all week, though. Nonstop.

"Here I am, once again

I'm torn into pieces

Can't deny it, can't pretend

Just thought you were the one

Broken up, deep inside

But you won't get to see the tears I cry

Behind these hazel eyes."

My eyes remain shut as I sing into the microphone hanging in front of me. I was supposed to record this song on Wednesday, but my throat was too sore to sing or even talk. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up to an extreme sore throat. Now, I'm recording on Friday. The day before the live show.

The music suddenly cuts off. I open my eyes to see Cheryl and Savan, staring at me with concern. Was I off key? I remove my headphones off of my ears and place them around the microphone. Savan, my vocal couch, leans forward and presses a button on the panel in front of him.

"That's enough for today." Cheryl says when Savan holds the button down.

I nod my head and step out of the recording booth. I pick up my hoodie from the black leather chair in the corner. I didn't feel like dressing up today. I just threw on a pair of capri sweatpants, black tank top, and a black pullover hoodie. I'm sporting the lazy look.

"Are you okay?" Cheryl touches my arm, gently.

I look up at her to see us alone. Savan must have left the room. "I'm fine." I fake smile.

"I heard there was some drama in the house. Do you want to talk about it?" Cheryl sits down in one of the leather couches.

Maybe I should talk to someone about it. Everyone in the house has tried to get me to talk to them about everything. I just don't want to completely open up and explain the real reason why Louis's words hurt me so much. I've actually considered explaining everything in my video diary. I haven't done mine yet. It would be the best way to explain it. No one could interrupt me.

"Um. I do need to talk about it, but not to a person." I pull my hoodie over my head. "I'm going to explain everything in my video diary today."

"Okay. If you ever need to talk then I'm here." Cheryl stands up and walks over to me.

"I'll remember that." I nod.

Cheryl pulls me in a hug. "I'm sure everything will turn out fine."

I shake my head, sadly. "I don't think so."

Cheryl frowns at me as I walk out of the room. A few workers are in the hallway. I walk past all of them to the front of the building. A black car is waiting for me in front of the entrance way. I jog down the few stairs and open the back door to the black BMW.

"Hello, Miss Carter." The driver tips his hat at me.

"Hi." I buckle my seatbelt.

"Back to the house?"

"Yes, please."

I stare out the window, thinking about how I'm going to explain my past. This will be the first time my mom ever hearing about it. Only Riley has ever known. I've been scared to open up to anyone. People deserve to know. I don't want them to think I was lying about the whole thing.

The ride back only takes thirty minutes. My driver offered to open my door for me, but I told him no because it started to pour. It will be easier for me to just run through the rain. There is no reason for him to get soaked just to open the door for me.

When we pulled up to the X Factor house, I sprinted through the rain to the front door. Someone left it unlocked so it was easy for me to get in. Matt calls my name, but I just run right past him. I jog upstairs to my bedroom and change into a pair of dryer clothes. I just want to get this video diary over with.

Rebecca is lying on her bed with a book in her hand. "How was your recording?"

"It was good." I pull on a pair of grey baggy sweatpants.

"Louis was asking about you. He feels terrible." Rebecca sets her book down on her stomach.

I pull on a yellow hoodie over my grey tank top. "He should."

"He was saying that he should have never said that stuff to you. Apparently Craig got a little mad that you weren't in the the bottom three and go home. So, he fed a bunch of lies to Louis."

"I need to go do my video diary." I slip on a pair of mix matched socks. I leave the room before Rebecca can call me back.

Why would Craig do something like that? Does he really think that I should have gone home instead of them? Was I that bad? Does everyone else think I should have gone home? Why would he tell a bunch of lies to Louis. Did Craig think that it would make us fight and then I would do poorly at this week's performance?

I guess I can't trust anyone in this house.

The camera crew has already set the camera up for me. I plop down in the middle of the stairs in front of the camera. Here I go. No turning back. Everyone deserves to know. Including my mom.

I lean forward and press the red button. "Hello, everyone." I wave to the camera. "So, a lot has happened this week. It's been very emotional for me. I've been told that some people think that I was lying about my audition when I said I was a terrible singer. It wasn't a lie. For the longest time, I have thought I was a terrible singer. Now I'm here to explain why."

I take a deep breath. "When I was eleven, my dad became an alcoholic. I was young and didn't completely understand it. I thought it was normally behavior. As I got older, I realized it was anything, but normal. On my thirteenth birthday, my mom bought me a karaoke machine. She knew my dream of wanting to be a singer. That's all I would talk about. It was my dream."

I bite my lip. "I was in the living room that night. I was singing along to my favorite song on my new karaoke machine. I loved that karaoke machine. My dad came home that night. He was completely drunk."

I look away from the camera, trying to control my tears, threatening to spill over. I'm going to cry. There is no way not to cry. This memory makes me way too emotional.

"He stumbled into the living room with his hands over his ears. I remember everything he told me that night. When you're dad tells you that you are a terrible singer and you're going to make his eardrums bleed, you believe him. So, of course I would believe everything else he said that night. He said that I was worthless and I would never amount to anything." My voice cracks at the end.

Tears flow out of my eyes. There is no way to stop them. I let them flow down my face as I stare at the bottom of the stairs. No turning back. I've already said this much. I need to keep going.

I stare down at my hands in my lap. "The next morning, I chucked my brand new karoake machine out my two story window. I watched it smash to pieces. Just like my dream of being a singer. It shattered to pieces."

"I never told my mum the real reason why I threw it out the window. I only told my best friend Riley. He was there for me. My mum loved my dad. I couldn't tell her what he said to me. It would have hurt her too much. I'm sorry, Mum."

I glance into the camera and burst into tears. "I'm sorry you had to find out the reason that I quit singing like this. I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you. I know it's my fault that he left. I just couldn't stand it when he hit you. You're my mum and you don't deserve that. You deserve way better."

I lean forward and place my face in my hands. My hands instantly become wet with my tears. I need to finish my video diary. I take a few deep breathes to calm myself down a little.

"I heard one of my fans say that I was lying about me saying I was a terrible singer. I just wanted to prove to you that it wasn't a lie. I wouldn't lie about something like that. It really hurt me when I heard that. They may not realize how much it hurt me, but now they do. Their comment brought back some painful memories."

I figured it would sound better to say that a fan said that instead of Louis. That would only cause drama if I had said it was Louis.

"I hope that my dad is out there somewhere watching this. I hope he knows how much he hurt me." I wipe away my tears with the hands. "Most of all, I hope he sees how nothing is going to stand in my way from living my dream. He may have ruined three years of my life, but he won't destroy anymore. This is me becoming who I've always wanted to be. I'm not going to let him stand in my way anymore."

"I just thought that everyone should know the real reason of why I thought I was a terrible singer. This is the end of my video diary. Thanks for listening." I give a small smile and press the red button.

I slump against the side of the stairs and start crying even harder. I can only stay strong for so long. It really hurts to talk about my past. I hope everyone believes me. I don't want anyone to think that I was a liar. I hope my mum understands. I never knew how to tell her.

"I had no idea."

I jerk my head up to see Harry and Niall sit on the stairs next to me. "That's because I didn't want anyone to know." I whisper.

Heavy footsteps pound on the bottom of the stairs. I stare at the corner, waiting for the people to come around the corner. Matt and Aiden jog around the corner. Both of their eyes flash down to the three of us.

"Come with us." Matt reaches down for my hand.

"Wha-?"

"Louis is on his way up." Matt interrupts me.

I quickly place my hand in Aiden's. He pulls me to my feet and leads me up the stairs. Matt follows right behind us. Aiden drags me into their bedroom and Matt shuts the door. I sit down on Matt's full sized bed. Tears are still streaming down my face. I just can't seem to stop.

Everything is pouring out of me.

••••

Author's Note:

This was an unplanned upload. I didn't think I would be able to upload tonight, but I am.

This chapter was pretty emotional. Next chapter will be of her performance. What do you think of the song she will be singing? I thought it fit. Do you think it does?

Question...Would you rather be Irish, British, Scottish, or Australian?

I would most definitely want to be British. Their accents are my weakest. British boys are always the cutest. If only I knew some..

So, yeah!

Comment! Tell me what you think!

Oh! Wait!

For my new story idea, I need a girl character to date Harry. I decided I am going to pick someone that one of you create. I need name, age, personality, style, likes/dislikes, fears, family, and some random things about her.

So, yeah! Comment below of your character!