How do I breathe again?

How do I breathe again, knowing I don't deserve to?

These...

These are my hands. The same hands that ruined everything. I feel them. I feel my bones hitting the concrete but I also don't feel anything at all. Nothing soothes this ache. I want this stinging physical pain to engulf me entirely, it can numb this hole. It can make me forget you. Forget everything that I've done.

It can.

It can.

It's not enough. I want it all to stop.

Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.

I want myself to stop.