five;
four in the morning
"let this ocean of tears drown me,
for i am ready to surrender."

The fire was burning steadily in the Gryffindor common room, even at four in the morning when Hope sat in front of it. She wished desperately for it to warm her, to melt the ice slowly making its way through her body, freezing her every heartbeat. She was stuck, constantly stuck between the sides of her that differed so greatly and would not stop arguing. It wasn't like an angel and a devil on her shoulder, neither was pure enough to be an angel. But one of them still held onto the belief that one day Hope could be happy again. The other one, however, whispered in her ear and told her that there was no fixing her, that she should just end it. She hated herself for favoring the one that whispered horrible encouragement over the one that sang of hope and joy.

She couldn't sleep with all the shouting in her head, already filling her up once more. She thought after her episode in the forest a few weeks ago she'd be safe for at least a little while, but she was terribly wrong. She still wanted to scream her head off, still wanted to run and never stop. She had just recently had the sudden realization that nothing she did made a difference in the way she felt. Not even the things that had made her so childishly happy before - reading her favorite books, having a cup of hot chocolate when it was cold, being wrapped up in blankets in the winter, talking to Remus in the late hours, giggling with Alice over stupid jokes - could make her feel an ounce of joy.

She was utterly broken, and there was simply no fixing her. She hadn't realized that yet, hadn't completely come to terms with the fact that there was no getting better anymore. She had reached the point of no return, had crossed the line and had lost sight of any and all happiness. And so she had fled from her room and planted herself in front of the fire, determined to stay there until she felt even the slightest bit better.

It was at hours like this, when the full moon hung high in the sky and cast shadows across the world, that she felt like talking. For some reason she could not fathom, the darkness of the sky and the contrast of the stars made her feel like she could finally speak. Perhaps it was the silence that encouraged her so greatly, knowing that whoever she spoke to would have no other alternative than to listen to what she said. She longed to be listened to.

She longed for a lot of things. She longed for happiness, she longed for a love like no other, she longed for a dreamless night, for her appetite to return, for her scars to heal, for the night to continue forever. But above all, she longed for her little brother. Her kid brother. She just wanted him back, but she knew that the universe owed her nothing of the sorts.

She was a pathetic excuse for a human being who only wanted to be fixed when there was no one around to fix her and the thought that the universe would be so kind as to grant her her brother back, therefore allowing her to be happy, was laughable. She knew all of this was true, knew it without a single doubt, but that did nothing to dull the pain.

She had placed a picture of the two them together, her and Danny, on her bedside table; but it had hurt her so much to look at it that she had thrown the frame across her bedroom at home. The glass had broken and she'd ripped the picture out, burning it immediately. The gift he would've given her for her sixteenth birthday still sat tucked away in a box with all the other things that reminded her of him that she couldn't bear to get rid of. She hadn't opened yet, and she didn't know if she ever would. She didn't want to know what was in it, because it was all she had left of him. If she opened it, it'd be like saying goodbye.

She had told him not to get her anything, but he had anyway. He had been so excited to give it to her, her father had said when he was still speaking to her. He blamed her, she knew he did. But she couldn't be angry about it, because she blamed herself, too. Because it was her fault. Danny was gone and it was entirely her fault. And she hated herself even more for it.

She didn't notice she was crying until the tears hit her lips, coating her tongue with their salty taste. Like the ocean, she thought, suddenly, reminded of her time spent at the beach as a child. Her and Danny had spent hours on end in the ocean together, floating with the waves. They'd built sandcastles and scouted for seashells that they could take home. She wouldn't ever be able to go to the beach again, she thought with a sob. Hastily, she wiped her face, smearing the evidence of her awful thoughts.

She must've been sitting there for a while, but she never knew how long exactly. The portrait door swung open at one point, and she looked over in great surprise. Into the common room stumbled Peter, James, and Sirius. All three boys looked like they could use a few weeks of sleep, the circles under their eyes so prominent it looked as though they were painted there.

"Hope?" James asked drowsily, halting the trio as they noticed the only other person in the common room. She stood up sloppily, almost falling back down.

"Hello boys," she spoke. Her throat was dry and her voice came out like a whisper, only audible because of the quiet that enveloped the rest of the room.

"What're you doing up so early?" Peter inquired, looking as if he'd fall asleep before she was given the chance to answer. However, it was the question that surprised her more than his apparent sleepiness. It shocked her to see that the sun had replaced the full moon, dawn had arrived, and the day was quickly approaching.

"I woke up early and I couldn't get back to sleep," she lied easily, the words slipping off her tongue as the many excuses she had accumulated over the years always had. "Where's Remus?" She asked, voicing her sudden notice of his absence. The four boys went everywhere together, and the fact that he was missing worried her more than she'd care to admit.

"Hospital Wing," Sirius answered. "He got sick last night, so we sent him to Madame Pomfrey." He was lying, she knew he was, but it took one to know one. They knew she was lying, as well, but there was unspoken agreement between the four tired teenagers that none of them were going to call the others out for lying. Instead, they exchanged nods and stumbled up their respective set of steps to their dorms.

Hope realized right as she finished getting ready for the day why they had been lying to her. She had figured it out two years ago, and the full moon that had illuminated the grounds the previous night only confirmed here suspicions. She wasn't exactly sure what part Sirius, Peter, and James played in it all, but she knew Remus was a werewolf. He hadn't told her, though, so she didn't bring it up. She didn't want to invade his privacy, and if he didn't want her to know, she would pretend she didn't.

She knew a lot about pretending by then.

__________
a/n
i make myself cry with this story i hope you all appreciate that

edited