two;
let me leave
"i live my days in fear that
this tiredness will consume me"

The sorting went by in a blur. The names of the first years blended together in Hope's ears until the sounds almost disappeared completely. The students cheering around her whenever a student was sorted into their house was simply a burst of noise she was doing her best to block out. When the food appeared on the table the people around her began to talk excitedly and eagerly feed themselves. She took some food merely out of obligation, unable to truly stomach anything. The girls around her talked animatedly, not catching her attention until they spoke to her directly.

"Hope, how was your summer?" Hope looked up from her plate, torn away from her thoughts. Lily had been the one talking to her, and she was waiting for an answer. What was she supposed to say? She couldn't very well bring up the fact that her brother that she loved so dearly had been taken away from her in a mere second.

"It was alright," she smiled, and Lily smiled back. Hope brought a bite of turkey to her mouth, hoping to avoid having to answer any more questions. She glanced down the table to where the Marauders sat, laughing and joking. Just the thought of them so happy made her heart ache. Why couldn't she be like that? Sirius had run away from his home and talked sometimes of how his family hated him and called him a traitor, yet he still managed to experience joy. She didn't understand how. And at the same time, she hated herself for thinking such things. They deserved to be happy; they were young, intelligent, attractive teenage boys and their lives were supposed to be that happy.

She hadn't noticed she had been staring while getting lost in her own mind. She seemed to be doing that more often, it seemed every five seconds she was deep in thought over something a girl her age had no business thinking about. And yet, with an impending war hanging over their heads, she wondered if she was the only one who thought about it.

__________

Remus raised an eyebrow at Hope's dazed expression in his direction and excused himself from the conversation to slide into the seat next to her.

"Anything interesting?" He asked.

"Hmm?" She shook her head as if she was dying to get something out of her mind. She looked at Remus and he realized with a slight start she had been daydreaming so much so she hadn't even noticed him sit down.

"You were thinking about something, anything interesting?" He placed his head in his hand and allowed it to support the weight, patiently awaiting an answer.

"Everyone's always thinking of something, why should my thoughts at this particular time be interesting?" She responded with another question as if she was joking, but Remus couldn't find a trace of a smile on her face or a glint of mischief in her eye.

"Well, you seemed like you were thinking pretty hard, don't tell me you'd waste that energy on thinking about something stupid," he smiled. She gave a slight smile back, her lips barely turning upwards.

"Right, because it expends so much of my energy to actually use my brain and think," she said sarcastically, and kept the small smile on her face. But there was something off about it, he just couldn't figure out what.

"Moony!" He turned to see Sirius waving him back to his seat. "Get your arse over here and help us settle this debate!"

"Duty calls," Remus sighed, turning back to Hope. He ran a hand through his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously a bit tired of his friends antics for the night. The full moon was coming soon and he kept getting more and more exhausted each day.

"Go, if you don't they'll try and bring every person in the common room into their argument," Hope stated. She was not smiling anymore, she was being completely serious, and Remus knew why. The last time James and Sirius had tried to get Hope's help with one of their little debates didn't end very well for any of them. Sirius and James ended up quite mad at each other and weren't speaking to each other. When Hope had approached them in attempt to help them make amends she'd been yelled at and thoroughly terrified by a spider that James had conjured up with his wand.

She watched him walk over and sighed as she saw the boys start talking heatedly. For best friends, the two of them got into their fair share of fights. She knew they weren't always big fights, necessarily - sometimes they were small disputes or debates that were settled shortly after being brought up. Still, she supposed the amount of times Remus was forced to be the man in the middle was very tiring.

"Hope? Are you even listening?" Hope turned yet again to find not only Lily looking at her, but Marlene, Alice, and Mary as well.

"Sorry?" She asked, rubbing her eyes as she felt her eyelids begin to feel heavy, she was exhausted, even after her nap on the train. She was always exhausted these days.

"We said that if you were gonna watch Remus, you could at least be a bit more discreet about it," Marlene smirked. Hope immediately felt heat rising to her cheeks and knew without a doubt her whole face had gone red.

"I-I wasn't - " She stumbled over her words, trying to find a way to explain, but her train of thought was being slowed down by her embarrassment.

"It's alright," Mary laughed, sporting a broad smile much like the other two girls, "we were just offering some friendly advice." All four girls seemed to look over at Remus simultaneously, but Hope's eyes stayed glued to her plate, her mouth slightly hanging open.

She couldn't leave yet, she didn't want them to think she was overreacting. But she wanted to leave, so very badly. She wanted to get out, right then and there. And she knew it was stupid because, while she hadn't been admiring Remus, she had done so many times before. She had always thought of him like that, ever since they first became friends. But she was embarrassed and her face was as red as the hair upon the Gryffindor next to her's head. She just wanted to leave.

And the absolute worst part was, she wasn't sure in which way she meant that. And she was a bit scared to find out.

__________
a/n
i will protect my girl hope until the day i die

edited