Chapter 9

I am deeply engrossed in solving my maths questions under the dim glow of my table lamp in the otherwise dark room— I was done with English already and is hoping to be done with the fifty mensuration questions before midnight — when my phone chimes lighting up where it was lying in between the pages of a closed textbook.

I distractedly reach for it, swiping it open and what I see captures all my attention, leaving none for maths again as I relax into my chair, eyes zoning in on the picture lighting my screen.

He wasn't joking.

There on my screen was a picture of Sky. He wore different clothes now, a plain white shirt and what I'm now assuming to be his trademark black jeans. His hair was glistening looking damp as they fell around his face, his eyes with a certain spark that made my heart thud again, more gently this time and finally, the perfect smirk completely his gorgeousness.

It was a selfie of himself at the party, his arm stretched forward holding the phone and giving me a clear view of his bulging muscles. I can't explain it, but I couldn't look away, I was entranced by his body and looking at him was doing something to me. Something I can't explain. Squirming in my seat, I look over at the partying people behind him just as my phone buzzed again with another picture of him. Then another and another and before I know it, I'm giggling to myself, smiling for no reason.

He sent ten just like I said I was expecting, I didn't think he would. I didn't even remember the pictures promise until now. Some were selfies of just him like the first one and others had some other people in them, with a red cup in hand. I've never done any of these, the only parties I attended were birthday parties as a kid and that's it. I've never drank alcohol either, once I saw my dad taking some in hiding and he said it was his last. Stories I've heard of alcohol didn't fancy me at all. But seeing Sky looking so alive in the pictures, for that one moment I craved for a different life.

One where I could be as free as he looked with his wide smiles and smirks. One where I could attend parties without a care of what anyone would think and if everything I did was right. Maybe even one where I could drink and get stupid.

A text came in just then reading; any regrets of not being here with me?

I shook my head at him and still in the spirit of living free, I raised my phone above me a bit, smiling a little and quickly sending the picture before I could think against it adding a text saying I had no regrets at all. After sending it, I then looked at it and my stomach twisted funnily in embarrassment. I should have checked the picture more before sending, maybe then I would've noticed the night cap I had on.

No.

Before I could even cry about Sky seeing my embarrassing picture, another text from him came in. There was a smiling emoji in front.

Gosh, how cute. Now I'm the one envying you, do you have on matching pajamas to go?

I cringe, turning my phone upside down on the desk. I bury my head in my palms and thought about how much of an idiot I was. How could I send that? My phone vibrates on the desk and I don't pick it, afraid of what he'll say next. He sent me amazing pictures of him in a party and I sent a cute night cap picture. I could very much have put on a onesie. The phone vibrates again and I decide to get my shame through by just seeing it.

Shit, did that sound like a douche? I didn't mean to, I don't know how to do this.

Do what? I ask myself but go forward to read the next message.

I'm sorry. Thanks for the picture, I wish I was there with you.

Here with me? My body, having a mind of its own warms up at the idea of having Sky here with me alone in my room. I don't even know what will happen, if anything would happen but the thought of him here was well on its way to bringing up another panic attack. The texts weren't as bad as I thought it would be so I typed something to him, voicing my thoughts regarding the first one. Do what?

A reply came in the next minute.

Talk to you without feeling like I'm going to mess it up. You truly are precious Israel.

I read the text over and over and over until I am satisfied it has sunk in and until I can no longer smile without it hurting. What in God's name? Blushing I type out different replies to that, wiping them up at the last minute but finally I settle with telling him that he's been doing fine all this while. I can't even think of Sky feeling somehow about talking to me, he's got absolutely nothing to be worried about, I'm the one usual scared. Sky's just so perfect.

So you think.

I don't reply to the new text and I just leave it on read, getting up from my chair and collapse on my bed. My eyes count the night lights on my ceiling like I do most nights when I can't sleep except this time, I do so with a certain Adonis in mind.

O Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou Romeo?

I find myself reading a line out of Shakespeare's tragedy, completely lost in thoughts of different beautiful colours. Mixing and blending into something ugly.

Tis but thy gender that is my enemy.

Thou art thyself, though not a problem.

What’s in a gender? That which we call love

By any other gender should be just as sweet.

That night I fell asleep with thought of Shakespeare and Sky, an ugly duo in my mind. And I dreamt, I don't know what it was about but I cried all through it.

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"Is, can you help me feed Pounce? I'm running late." Nessa shouts running around the house just as soon as I exit my room for the morning.

I open my mouth to reply her but my voice doesn't come out until attempt to clear my throat for the billionth time since I woke up this morning. "Sure," I finally drag out, voice hoarse like I'm sick but is just the repercussion of crying over nothing through out the night.

"Israel, are you alright?" Ma asks, stopping the dusting she was doing on the cushion to cast me a worried look.

I nod, "I just—" clears throat. "— had a rough night."

She comes closer and places the back of her palm on my head, then neck. "Do you want to talk about what made you have a rough night?"

I shake my head negativity, I don't even know what caused it.

"Did you have a fever?"

"I don't know Ma."

"Well," she walks back to the cushion. "Go up to the room and get some aspirin from the cabinet. Then put on your jacket, I don't want you getting a flu."

"Okay Ma," I turn back, going back up the way I came. By 'the room' she meant her room with Dad. I don't think I'm about getting a flu but I can't explain that without giving a reason why I'm like this and I honestly don't have the strength to.

After I take the drugs, I decide to have my bath the same time and dress up, putting on the jacket like Ma suggested even though the weather outside doesn't require a jacket. By the time I come back down, Ma is no where to be found and Pounce is angrily trying to scratch his paws on the wall, meowing and jumping up and down. I was supposed to feed him.

"Settle down Pounce, in a minute." I plead, immediately getting his food can and bowl. "I'm so sorry I totally forgot."

Meow.

"Honestly, even I don't know where my head's at. Everything is just somehow." I hit out all the contents of the can.

Meow.

"When it started?" I pinch my brows together in thought, bowl of cat food in hand. "Well since I met Sky."

"Israel!"

I jump, a gasp leaving my lips and the bowl of cat food slipping off my hands and falling smash on the tiled kitchen floor.

I can't tell if it's the realization that everything became so confusing in my life since I met Sky or if it's the loud way my Ma called for me that caused me to startle so bad in fright. I don't think it's the latter because Ma calls everyone like that when she isn't at least ten feet away. It could be a combination of both, I just came to that conclusion and Ma called and I got startled because it seemed she was able to hear my thoughts and it was very much deserving for that shout.

"Israel!" I hear her call again and this time I answer. "Come out here already!"

"I'm coming," I shout back, then look down at the broken plate and soiled cat food that Pounce was already munching on. I sigh, Nessa would kill me. "Stop eating that Pounce," I shoo him away, squatting to the floor and picking the pieces of broken plate. As soon as I was done, Pounce returned to the food and I decide to give up, going out to answer my Ma with the broken pieces of bowl in hand. Hopefully, the floor was clean and he wouldn't get sick from eating off it.

I walk out and I see Ma mopping out the wooden floor of the porch. She looks up at me, then drags her eyes up and down, stopping on the broken pieces of plate. "What did you do?"

I shrug, "Pounce's bowl broke."

She frowns, then uses a thumb to rub her brow. "Be more careful, those cost money you know."

"I'm didn't mean to."

"Anyway," she brushes me off. "I was calling to ask when you're going to attend to this lawn. Last Saturday, you said you would this Saturday."

I groan, I have totally forgotten about that and now, I have already taken my bath. I can't do the lawn now, I'll become so dirty again and I don't feel like changing. Just as I was thinking of an excuse to give, Darcy comes walking in. A scarf over her hair with a long flower print skirt.

"Darcy," Ma calls as she see her too. Her delight written over her face.

Confession.

"Good morning Mummy Nessa," Darcy answers with an equally delightful smile as she and mum share a hug. Her eyes shyly dart to me as they separate. "Hey Israel."

"Hey," I greet back, putting my hand into my pants pocket.

"To what do we owe this visit? Hope your parents are all fine?" Ma asks.

"Yes, they are." She gestures to me. "Israel and I are going for confession."

"Oh," Ma looks at me, then back at Darcy. "I'm sure you're the one making him go, right?"

Darcy just looked at her feet, blushing a bit. Ma thanks her, adding another hug. "Go on now Israel, go get ready and don't keep sweet Darcy waiting."

I nod and walk away, choosing to follow the back door so I can dispose the broken plate before entering directly into the kitchen.  Sweet Darcy, I shake my head. Darcy is indeed sweet and a suck up to parents and teachers alike. Ma is completely in love with her and I wonder if I don't get to date Darcy, would Ma like any other person — girl I choose like she does Darcy. I really doubt so and that in itself is a cause to worry because I don't think I'd ever date Darcy. Not in this life anyway.

When I enter into the kitchen Pounce is nowhere to be found there and neither is the cat food stain I was expecting to see. He had wiped it clean with his tongue. I cringe a bit but still clean the floor where I remember it pouring in. Then I go get my rosary and soonest, I'm outside again hearing Ma and Darcy laugh about something. Darcy had the mop in her hand now, helping Ma out.

"Ready?" Ma asks on seeing me, I nod and Darcy hands Ma back her mop. "See you some other time Darcy."

"Same Ma, take care." Darcy waves and I join her, walking in same steps. "Are you okay?" Darcy asks and it takes me some seconds to realize I'm the only one here and she's talking to me.

"Yeah, why?"

"You're more quiet and you look," she touches my palm and her fingers are warm and not at all relaxing. "Pale. Are you sick?"

I shrug, "no I'm fine. I had a strange night I guess."

"Oh," she's quiet for about a minute. "Me too," she says and I curiously turn to her. "You won't believe what I dreamt."

"Dream?" I ask but at the same time, I do not ask. It's like I'm saying it for myself as flashes of Sky's pictures and our brief text pass before my eyes.

"Yes," Darcy brings me back to the present, "it was such a weird dream but now, in retrospect, it isn't so weird anymore. I mean I was thinking of something similar before I slept off. There I was—"

And so Darcy's rambling continued as we walk to church, side by side. Listening to her keeps me out of my own head and keeps me from talking much and I end up being grateful that she is here.

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