° trust in time, especially when time says no. °

Chapter 22

I sleep in Sky's house for five hours, getting home around almost ten pm. I don't get a beating but my mum shouts and scoulds me, telling me that if I repeat such a thing next time — leaving the house for the whole day and coming home so late — she'd not only ground me but she'd take my phone and car away too.

As I lay on my bed now, thinking about it all, I realize that I've grown or I'm growing after all. It's either that or all the new things I'm feeling are starting to change me because normal Israel would have cried, stuttered and pleaded non-stop but then I didn't. I just stood there taking all the tongue lash, not necessary angry but just distracted. I couldn't bring myself to feel any remorse whatsoever and I'm certain if mum had hit me, I would've lashed out so bad, she'd call the priest to intervene.

All I could and can think of is not my mum and her rules, or Nessa and her hypocrisy or even Darcy's perfectly working pills but Sky and the fact that he wasn't beside me when I woke up.

He wasn't there.

I woke up to a warm empty room and when I got downstairs he was washing the dishes quietly with headphones on. If there's anything I've learnt from knowing Sky for weeks now, it is that he never quietly listens to music. It's entire he's screaming it out in his horrible voice, moving his body in the attempt of a dance or humming out the tone and drumming his fingers. It's never quiet.

And when I called him to get his attention, he had that sickly sweet smile on. The type of smile he had when we first met, the type that I just know is fake. The mask on without a single crack. Something was not right and I knew what it was. The ride to my house was a normal one, to any other person but me. He still smiled, laughed and talked like nothing was wrong. I remained silent but that didn't stop him at all, in fact, he looked at me all but twice until he dropped me off.

We weren't fighting but we weren't all good either and that's confusing because I do not know what to do. I don't believe he's mad at me so what now? How do I make this right? Do I even make this right?

Pansexual gay.

What in the world is that? I quickly get my laptop, opening it up and going straight to Google. Pansexual— from what I see it means someone who can be emotionally and physically attracted to all genders, including people without genders too. They could be with everyone. I don't understand it all and until now I didn't even know they were people without genders. What in the world?!

I keep reading and reading and it's all so broading and exciting that I start thinking of a prospect of being part of these people. Part of Sky's people. Part of all these? Homosexuality and stuff? It's exciting and at the same time it's not. I'm hit with different feelings at once unable to identify any clear one.

I'm not one of them. Homosexuality is a sin. My parents, the church, they would never accept me. Mum would beat me up... I can never be like that with Sky.

My tummy churns and I leap off my bed, racing into the bathroom and throwing up everything I ate, completely emptying my stomach. I throw up until there's nothing to get out anymore. Stumbling up to my feet, I flush the toilet and meet my reflection on the mirror. I'm paler than usual and my lips looked an ugly shade of purple. I have tears streaking down my face in a steady flow and my misery is glaring back at me.

I can't do this. I can't do this!

A scream bubbles out of me as I hit on the mirror repeatedly, smashing it in with my fist and letting the broken pieces slice through my skin over and over and over. I can't do this. I'm a horrible person! Why can't I be normal?!

"Israel?!" Nessa shrieks bursting open the bathroom with so much force she almost falls to the ground.

I stop my assault on the already broken mirror and myself, my heart beat slowing down terrifyingly. My eyes getting dizzy at the sight of red everywhere.

"Israel, what the fuck is wrong with you?" She comes closer and gasp, grabbing my hand. "Oh my God!"

Her hand on mine brings me back to my senses, the warmth serving as a link back to reality. I stare eye wide at the broken mirror and my reflection and my body starts shaking. The tears back as I struggle to answer Nessa. "E-every- everything."

"Is," she cries, pulling me into a tight hug that I quickly reciprocate, silently begging for someone to understand. For someone to be on my side.

In that moment something snaps in me and push Nessa away, taking stumbling steps away from her. Glaring at her questioning gaze, I spit, "get away from me Nessa."

"Is, what did I do to you?" She cries out, tears on her face. "Please tell me because I'm so confused. I want to help."

"You can't help me," I point at her. "You're part of my problems."

"What did I do?"

"You told me it's a sin and then you go ahead and be all supportive with your Al," I pull at my hair, not caring that I was messing it up. "I needed you to be on my side!"

"I– I–" she looks around, then back at me. "Israel, I don't remember."

I laugh humorlessly, something neither of us has ever heard before. Something that scares us both. "You don't remember? Well, Vanessa Taylor what you don't remember was a big milestone in my life."

She falls down on her knees, ignoring the little pieces of glass on the ground. "I'm so confused!"

I glumly sit on top of the toilet seat, willing myself to be more calm. "Nessa four years ago I asked you what being gay was and you told me not to bother about it because it's a sin. Coupled with church and mum's reactions to homosexuals, I believed you. I believed everything. You're my big sister and I look up to you and hold on to your words maybe if you had explained better, maybe if you didn't side with them... I don't know if it would have changed anything or if I'm just looking for someone to blame but maybe— maybe if you didn't side with them I wouldn't be so m-mise--miserable." I break down after that crying my whole out and hoping to cry out the pain.

----

"Where's Mum and Dad?" I ask Nessa, my throat aching from speaking while I watch her wrap a bandage around my hand.

"They went out to see the Reverend's sister, who just came back home with her new born," She explains, not looking away from the bandage.

"Oh," I look over at the first aid box then at the sink where Nessa abandoned the dishes she was washing to come look for me in the bathroom. Nothing was distracting me. "What am I going to say happened to the mirror?"

"Nothing, I was cleaning it up and it just broke. You came to help me and got your hand cut with the glass, simple," she recites like it's that simple. It's not.

I look down at her bloodied knee, "you've got blood on your knee."

She sighs heavily, letting go of my hand that she was expertly done with, "it's nothing, happened while I was cleaning."

"Oh," I say again, feeling this heavy pain on my chest still. Might be because of all the stress my heart's been under lately or the growing lies.

"Israel, look at me," Nessa demands and I slowly do so, meeting her red rimmed swollen eyes. She had cried so much with me inside the bathroom and I'm sure my eyes is just like hers. "Four years ago," she shakes her head to herself. "I don't remember four years ago, heck I don't even remember two years ago. There's a lot of rubbish in my head and sadly a lot of things go over it. The time you're talking about, I vaguely remember that, I was answering a question while I was distracted just wanting you to leave me be. I'm could also blame my fourteen years old self because I was stupid, narrow minded and naive.

"Just like you have, many time while growing up I've heard 'all them atheist, rapist, racist, homosexuals, theives, transgenders... All of them would not in hell!' " Nessa says her voice mimicking an old woman as she shakes her fist. "Well, rapist and racists, definitely. Theives, maybe. The rest, no, I don't think so. Pastors and Priests say heaven isn't for these people because they are an abomination, unnatural and just too dirty."

I visibly wince at that, feeling bile rising up my throat, Nessa's hands that rest on mine makes it go away.

"Mum always frowns at them and does the sign of the cross avoiding them like they have some disease."

"Well, don't they?" I ask, looking her dead in the eye. Don't I?

"No Israel, they don't," she sighs again releasing my hand just so she could tie up her hair in a bun. "I'm just citing examples to show the kind of life we grew up in, it's no wonder I said such an awful thing to you."

"But you believed it then?"

"Kinda," she blinks, "I had my doubts but I couldn't possibly share them with my baby brother. What if you told mum? And I was distracted anyway."

"What changed your mind?" I clear my throat in a bid to get rid of the scratchy tone. "What clarified your doubts?"

"Well, you know Al right?" I nod and she does too before going on.  "Al was my first love," Nessa surely would have blushed if this wasn't a serious situation. "He was my best friend but I was secretly in love with him. I still love him now just in a different way. Al is such a good person, the best person I've ever met in my whole life. Al would blush and stutter if he should cuss, Al would never insult. Al loves God so much and even believes he speaks to him," this time she spared a small chuckle. "When I told him about my feelings he was scared because duh, I'm Nessa Taylor but despite everything I was still his best friend and not telling me hurt more so, he told me. He came out to me, I was the first person he came out to in real life."

"I didn't understand it. I lashed out at him, I cursed him and called him names that I didn't believe he was. We fell out and for a long time we didn't talk to each other. But then I found out that despite what I knew, it didn't change anything, I still loved him. More so now I knew everything. Like something magical we just drifted back together and I was happy with him back in my life whether he was gay or not. It took time, trust me, it wasn't easy. But as time went he explained more to me, it wasn't a choice, it's just who he is. He couldn't help it," Nessa is crying now as she continues. "And if it was a sin then so what? I sin everyday, I lie, I gossip, I cheat sometimes, I criticize— especially Janet's buttocks, it's so big."

This time we both laugh amidst all the tears.

"I sin all the time so who the fuck am I to judge? Who the fuck am I to stand against someone's happiest? Don't we have a choice to live our life as we are and as we want? We are all hypocrites in these world and they that ostracize others for being who they are, they are the ones that would burn in hell. We are all supposed to be our brothers' keeper, isn't it? But no we don't look out for each other, instead we kill and condemn each other when we ourselves are no better," Nessa chokes on her tears and I rush up to my feet wrapping my arms around her.

"I can't believe you've been going through all this alone, Is. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't know..."

"It's okay Ness, its okay."

Nessa pulls apart a bit and cups my face, "don't be afraid to be who you are Is. Because this life is only one and if you live through it in fear, one day you'd be on your death bed regretting it all and living would have all been for naught."

"It– It's not easy Ness," I confess.

"Of course it not, no good thing ever is."

My hands are shaking and I hold her tightly like if she's not here I'd just melt and die. "I-I- I think... I think I- I am gay." The bile returns but Nessa's gentle hard squeeze on my hand holding hers sends it back to where it came from.

"Okay," she says nodding. "You'd figure it all out Israel."

"How do you know?"

"Because you're my brother and the you just punched a glass with your bare fist," she says simply and we laugh.

"Don't tell mum and dad."

"I promise, I would never," she links pinkies with me. "I'm on your side Israel. Always."

"Thank you."

"And thank you for being a more unique baby brother."

I shake my head, "I'm no baby."

"Um, I'm sure the bathroom completely agrees with you for more than one reason."

Oh God.

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Okay, how was the chapter? I fucking love Nessa.

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