FROM THE RED SOX BROADCAST BOOTH

... And it looks like Cortez is coming out for the top of the second inning. For those just joining us, he took a fastball to the head in the last inning that he shook off medical attendants for. Sunglasses haven't been taken off since so we're not sure of the potential damage done, but they wouldn't have let him come back out if it was serious.

            First pitch in for a ball. Everyone seems a bit on edge here after the Cortez hit. Frankly, it had to have been Cortez's request that this batter didn't wear one in return. I don't think there's a team in this league who wouldn't have tagged the next player for the previous hit by pitch. Ashley's immediate three-run homer must have been enough retaliation. Second pitch is a ball, way outside. This has been a tension-filled ball game from the get-go and it is not looking any better in this inning. Nurse cannot seem to find the strike zone here as he goes down three-and-oh in the count.

            [From the field: What the fuck did you just say—]

            Oh, and—Deville's gone berserk! He knocks Pitt to the ground and lands a couple punches as the benches clear. What happened there? Replay doesn't show much other than maybe a few words exchanged between pitches so we're not sure what set Deville off. Reeves makes his way into the thick of it and he needs some help pulling Deville off, and Ashley gets his hands in there after sprinting in from the outfield. Ashley and Reeves are walking him away but Deville still wants a piece of Pitt. Looks like they're both going to be removed from this game but that's not going to stop Deville from going down without a fight.

*

"Bobby, obvious question here is what happened?"

            Bobby pursed his lips and ran his fingers along bloody knuckles. Even on the tiny television in the clubhouse, Julien could tell that he looked uncomfortable. It was never easy doing post-game interviews but Julien didn't know the first thing about doing one after he'd been in a brawl. Julien's interview consisted more of talking about his personal life than the fight itself, mostly because he stayed around the edge of it so he didn't make headlines. He was pretty sure he also made a boner joke in response to a stupid question, so that was pretty classy, he figured. (How do you think your team feels about having you in the clubhouse now after news broke regarding your sexuality? they'd asked.) (If I couldn't control myself, I think I would've been outed a long time before this week, don't you think? We all share the same showers, after all, Julien replied. He'd heard Walker stifle a laugh beside him.)

            "I, uh, I don't think I need to repeat what I heard him say. 'Cause I don't use that word." In all the time that Julien knew him, Bobby had never sounded so unsure of himself. "But I think our team had a pretty intense week off. News got out and everybody decided to make it their problem when it wasn't one to start with. Things were said regardin' that, and I reacted accordingly. I'd hope that maybe next time a thought is processed before sayin' things that ain't too kind about our fellow man."

            "Any insight into what this means to you?"

            "I'm getting suspended. Don't plan on fighting it," Bobby said. "That what you mean?"

            "I meant more the news," the reporter said, "regarding your teammate, Julien Cortez."

            Bobby sat back in his chair and Julien felt like he was going to throw up again.

            Maybe staying in the clubhouse to watch was a bad idea—he had the easiest getaway ever with Bobby removed from the game. He had the feeling Juneau would never forgive him if he didn't finally talk to the man. Avoiding everyone before the game started was one of Julien's weaker moments. It wasn't until Logan Ashley sat next to him on the dugout bench, silently, that he finally relaxed. And he spent the rest of the game beside him any time they were in the dugout. Through every stupid new walk-up song that his team gave him as a quiet message of support. Logan shared his seeds with him and they laughed at each song—he even asked Julien if he approved of his Same Love by Macklemore choice and all Julien could do was throw a handful of sunflower seeds at him as they laughed the world off. It was almost normal.

            "Barely three months after I graduated high school," Bobby said after too long a pause. "I got married to my beautiful wife, Whitney. Nobody batted an eye. Didn't question whether I was ready or claim I was only in a phase of my life where I was into women. They let two teenagers sign a certificate and that was that. I married her because I love her. Nothing else. No ulterior motives or somethin' stupid. I wanted to love her and the best way I knew how was to ask her to marry me and she agreed. Ain't there somethin' wrong with a world that says my relationship is better than someone else's because of who I wanted to love versus who they love? To send a kid death threats for a kiss? I'll tell you what, I'd go to war beside him any chance I get. Nothin'll change that. Surely not him being in love, I mean hell. What a disappointing—" The audio muted but the fucking that formed on Bobby's lips was easy to decipher. "—question, man."

            "Corty?"

            Julien jumped at the sound of his own name. He looked between the Bobby on TV and the Bobby that stood at the door of the changeroom. A small wince broke through at the tensing, the ice pack he held against his face pressed a little too hard into the wound. "Bobby? Aren't you getting interviewed—"

            "Walker thought it best if we delayed my interview by ten," Bobby said. "In case my potty mouth came out."

            "Was that a direct quote?"

            "Paraphrasing." Bobby walked across the room and stood in front of Julien, he bent down a little to look him in the eyes. He smelled like bubblegum and sweat. "You—"

            "Are you okay?" Julien asked. "Your hand—"

            Bobby held his hand up; all that gave Julien was a better view of what he already saw on the clubhouse television. Bloody, a little bruised. A righty through and through, his left hand had held Pitt in place for his beating. "Your turn. Can I see?"

            Julien sighed and moved his ice pack away. He'd seen the wound in the bathroom mirror and the impact had hurt at lot more than what it looked like. All he was thankful for was that he hadn't broken his cheekbone. There was a large bruise from where the ball had hit, and a couple stitch impressions from the ball itself, but in the grand scheme of things, Julien had gotten off easy. Needed a couple butterfly strips while he ran the bases followed by a couple stitches between innings, but the last thing he was going to do was get pulled out of the ball game. (He was almost certain that Juneau would lose her mind at him later for not leaving, but he would plead the fifth and she'd have to find it in her to accept that.)

            "Fuck, Corty, I'm so sorry—"

            Julien replaced the ice pack on his face. He still had a couple minutes to keep it on there. "You should see the other guy."

            Bobby managed a small laugh, but his heart wasn't in it. He sat down beside Julien on the edge of his own cubby. "Are you okay?"

            "It could've been worse."

            "That's not what I meant." He pulled a roll of gauze from behind him and wrapped his knuckles quickly.

            Maybe it was Julien's fault for ignoring the elephant in the room. "I'm... I'll be fine."

            "Corty," Bobby said, tossing the remainder of the roll behind him. "I'm your friend. You can tell me anything."

            Julien didn't want to look at Bobby but forced himself to. "I'm embarrassed that I didn't tell you before someone else did. I don't want to be out because it makes my job harder and I got hit in the face for something I can't control on, even, a baseline level because I have never been into women no matter how hard I tried. And, believe me, I really tried. Now I feel like every time I do something, I have eyes on me and it's even more than I already felt and I hate it. I never should've left my apartment that night but I wanted to feel normal, so I did. And I feel like everyone hates me. I'm really worried you do, and it's not even your fault. Who am I to judge where you were born when I don't even know if you're judging something that I can't control either? I'm fucking terrified that I let you down. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

            Bobby already had tears brewing in his eyes and Julien felt bad about those, too. His voice was quiet when he found it again. "I don't hate you. Nobody hates you."

            Julien pulled the ice pack away from his face. A cold ache met his cheekbone. "Hard to believe that."

            "Nobody in this clubhouse hates you." Bobby sighed.

            "Lucky me," Julien said. It wasn't Bobby's fault he was at the stage of bitterness about the situation. "One team in the league."

            "We're your family," Bobby said. "You know that, right? We'd do anything for you. I'd do anything for you. Everyone else doesn't matter a damn."

            "Don't think I'm not mad that you got yourself suspended," Julien said. "I can't believe you."

            "Some people need to have their fucking mouth shut," Bobby said. "Not my fault."

            Julien shouldn't have asked, but he did. "What did Pitt say?"

            "Nothing you need to worry about."

            "I am worried," Julien said. "I have to play tomorrow."

            "He's getting suspended for slurs," Bobby said. "You're like my kid, Julien. I've got your back."

            Julien winced. It had been a long time since he heard that name come out of Bobby Deville's mouth. Probably five years, if he really had to think about it. He'd gained Corty about three weeks into his tenure with the Red Sox. Logan had offhandedly called him short, and from that came shorty followed by a chorus of get down, good lord from the boneheads Julien shared a locker room with. Once Bobby got a hold of combining Cortez and shorty, the rest was history.

            "Do I wish you had told me?" Bobby asked. "Of course I do. But I never would have wanted it in a timeline that wasn't your own, okay? I care about you. I feel like your pseudo-dad most days."

            "I'm twenty-five—"

            "And I know you like to pretend you're all grown up so you probably hated that, but I can't deny it," Bobby interrupted. "I care about you like you're Charlie. I've kept an eye on you since you started on this team and it's been nothin' other than my greatest pleasure seeing you grow into who you are now, you know that, right? You showed up with the best mindset I've ever seen and you're one of the best players I've ever had the pleasure of being on the same team as. I love every moment I've spent with you on the field, being your roommate, even checking in with you during the offseason. You're one of my favourite people in the world and I want you to have the best so fuckin' badly. You make me so proud to get to come to work everyday and be on your side and I am blessed to know you and the rest of the team feels the same. I know keeping this a secret couldn't have been easy, but please know that you're loved, okay? I adore you and you're safe here."

            Julien sniffled and wiped the tears that fell down his cheeks. The ones that seeped into his stitches stung more than he wanted to admit.

            "Jesus, Corty, now you got me going." Bobby wiped his face with his hand.

            "I'm sorr—" Julien looked away from him.

            "That's a dollar for the jar," Bobby said. "I'm under strict orders from MacGuff to charge you if you apologize for things you don't have to. And I gotta listen to that one since she made it her birthday wish."

            "We had a lot going on that day."

            "Yeah," Bobby said. "I saw her walk into your building. She looked a mess and she hadn't even seen you yet, from what I could tell."

            Julien's heart skipped a beat of embarrassment. "You were there?"

            "I was tryin' to parallel park," Bobby said. "I'm a little rusty. Saw her go in and I still sat there waiting. Even after I got her text that you were okay. Maybe I should've gone home. Maybe I should've come up. I just... I didn't know how to be there for you and I ended up stayin' the night in the flat deck of my truck. I know she's your sister, and she's known you longer, but other people were worried about you too. You didn't reply to my text and it's on me for thinkin' the worst..."

            "I wanted everything to stay normal," Julien said quietly.

            Bobby bumped his knee against Julien's to force him to look up at him from the clubhouse floor. "This is normal."

            "You know what I meant."

            "You write yourself off before anyone else does," Bobby said. "Do you know that?"

            "I—"

            "Very annoying for the people who love you like I love you."

            "Sorry."

            "You're gonna blow your entire paycheck in one conversation if you keep that up."

            Julien shook his head. "I'm not sure about pseudo-dad... but you and Juni are really similar. I don't know if you know that. I've spent my entire life being her little brother and I thought I might be able to shake that off once I got here. Not because I don't love being Juni's brother, but just... because. I guess. And then I got to know you and I grew up trying to be like you and... I didn't know I needed an older brother but you filled that gap anyway. Then this entire thing happened and the person I was most worried about disappointing was you. It wasn't your fault, I need you to know that. It was me being who I am and me seeing the world. I was trying to protect myself because I didn't want to ruin everything I had. I cared maybe a little too much what you thought because I looked up to you before you even knew who I was. Now you're family and I get that I didn't have anything to be afraid of now, from you, at least... So. Thank you. For being you. I wouldn't be who I am without you."

            Bobby buried him in a hug that nearly knocked both of them over. Accidentally slammed his shoulder into Julien's cheek; though he didn't protest at the sting. "I love you."

            Julien ignored the way his hands still shook as he hugged him back. "I love you too."

            "You smell like puke, Corty." Bobby didn't let him go.

            "I have a nervous stomach." The things Julien said when he wasn't allowed to apologize were always more embarrassing than they needed to be.

            Bobby laughed. "Gotta remember I went in the on-deck circle after your first at-bat. I nearly slipped."

            "That's so gross."

            "Part of bein' you," Bobby said. "I can deal with that."

            "Can I ask who masterminded the worst collection of walk-up songs ever?"

            "We can't all eat boys for breakfast," Bobby said. "I did, obviously."

            "Thank you." Even if the new songs his teammates had chosen were the straightest gay songs ever, Logan's especially, Julien appreciated the gesture.

            Bobby squeezed him a little tighter before letting him go. Slapped a kiss on his cheek like he would've with Charlie. "I'm kinda disappointed I got ejected before you could hear my new walk-up song."

            For as long as Bobby Deville had played in the majors, he'd had the same walk-up song. Tim McGraw, Live Like You Were Dying. The chorus had played in Fenway every single at-bat he'd ever had. It was more shocking than Julien wanted to admit that he'd changed it for the situation despite not getting to hear it.

            "Oh, yeah?" Julien asked. "Do I have to wait a week to hear it or...?"

            Bobby pulled his phone from his pocket and pressed a couple buttons. "Just waiting for you to ask."

            There was always one constant in Julien and Bobby's friendship: Bobby loved country music and Julien liked him despite that character flaw. What Julien hadn't expected was to recognize the opening fiddle immediately—that was thanks to Juneau and her love of country.

            "You picked The Giver?"

            "Charlie had it on a playlist," Bobby said. "I listened to it, liked it. It got the job done."

            It took everything in Julien not to laugh as he tried to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say. "You're aware that's about lesbian sex with a strap-on, right?"

            Bobby pursed his lips for a moment. Tossed the thought around in his head. "I think it's a shame that more people haven't been pegged at least once in their lifetime."

            Julien's eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "You—"

            "I will do anything Whit asks me to," Bobby said. "That's all you need to know."

            Julien let that sit for a moment. "Okay."

            "You're one to talk about butt stuff—"

            "We are not talking about my sex life."

            "Do I at least get to meet him now?"

            "It's been a week," Julien said. "I'll have to ask him."

            "Whenever he's ready," Bobby said. "I need to ask him what his intentions are."

            Julien laughed. "You're so embarrassing."

            "I can't have you marry someone I don't approve of," Bobby said. "Seriously, Corty."

            "Maybe."

            "Is there anything I can do to help you with this?"

            "You beat the shit out of someone for me," Julien said. "I think you've done enough."

            "Think I knocked his tooth out."

            "I hope you did."

            Bobby smiled. "Next time you've got something that you consider earth-shattering that you're carrying, tell me, okay? I'll be there for you."

            Julien nodded. "I'll try."

            "Even the darkness must pass."

            "Okay, Samwise, settle down."

            "Speakin'a gays," Bobby said. "Those little hobbits had something going on. I do not care about that lavender-ass marriage at the end of the story."

            Julien laughed and nodded. "Correct."

            Bobby slapped him on the knee again. "Let's get cleaned up. I need you there while I give my teenager a speech about how violence is never the answer."

*

[author's note: dedicated to Jason Varitek. if you know you know.]uu