I highly dislike crying.
Yeah, it feels good to let it out,
but it's better to do it alone.

If I cry in public, I feel weak.
I feel vulnerable.
I feel naked and raw.

So, I've come to the conclusion that if I build up enough pain,
it helps me gain immunity
to this public display of disappointment and humiliation.

I have to make it seem natural.
That's probably why,
when I do cry,
it's a huge mess.

It's at the point where I have held my breath under water for too long,
and I'm forced to come up for air, but by then I'm vomiting water and lung
and everything in my body.

Thus, I'm so happy
to have reasons
to take that breath.

I'm not like the tortured souls who are truly depressed and suicidal.
They've reach that point where they had kept holding their breath underwater,
and by the time they emerge, they'd already drowned.

It's playing Dead Body in the pool, and you're the winner.

I like being the loser,
and I hope that I never win gold.