I'm so afraid of failure and I'm so afraid of people thinking badly of me that it is hands down a sole cause of my procrastination.

Why try my hardest and get rejected when I can go ahead and show my worst and feel less hurt about the result?

What a pitiful excuse, but now that I think about it, it controls my every social reaction. Even with my closest family and friends I'm trying to please them and hope that I don't make them angry or mad at me.

I don't want to be hated. I want to be loved. I want to be cherished.

So many people tell me that I'm kind and my mom (who is actually pretty unbiased about what others tell her) tells me that others find me very sweet, but knowing how fake and deceitful people can be how can I trust their words? How can I trust anything anyone says?

I've only let in a select few and am reassured that they won't lie to me even if I still want to please them. At least I know they won't hurt me or lie to me like *insert names of fake people here*. Shoutout to my best friend hdalphond for being the #1 non-fam-but-she's-actually-fam person out there to be the real deal (she ain't a snake y'all).

Ok, I'm done. Let's drop the mic.