I'm sorry.
I've lied to you.
I don't think I'm okay.
Maybe I just want to be broken.

I shouldn't be happy that I skipped dinner but I am. I don't like eating. People tend to think of me as a food lover but honestly when they're not around I eat hardly nothing.

I think I've given my love for not eating to my friend which is horrible because it just makes me realize how much of a disease I am.

I want to run away. I always do. I can never be happy in one place. Once I've seen how much I've tainted someone, I just want to let it all go.

I don't believe in love. Not for me. I ruin my relationships too easy. Between my friends and family, I'm better off without anyone anyway.

All I do is hurt people.

I can't fix things.
I ignore all my probblems.

Sometimes I just want to die.
But I think

No
That's not what I want.

I just wish I never existed.

I feel so empty. Like my capacity to love and feel had been gutted out. I just want to prove to people that I can be human but all I've got is blood streaming through my veins.

No heart.
No brain.

I'm a big lump of nothing.

My friends are always telling my how dumb I am and how bad of a friend I am.

I wish I were invisible.

I wish I had no one to talk to.
That I wasn't expected to carry a conversation or remember birthdays or help them when they need help.

I'm selfish.
Whenever someone rants about their problems I can only think of mine.

Me
Me
Me
Me
Me

When will I ever get out of my stupid head?

I just want to go home. Real home. I find myself saying that even when I am there.

The truth is, being here breaks me. Not being home. I feel so excluded. I hardly talk at dinner. I stay in my room all day every day. I only eat food when they make me. I stop being productive because I fear too much of what they say. Of what I say.

Why did the stars put me here?
I'm a blinking mess of matter dangling on a broken string just waiting to go home.
I think that's what we're all doing.
Waiting to go home.

I don't want to live anywhere.
I don't want to be anywhere.

I want to crack. I want to stop myself from being an unfertile egg people will scramble. I'm hidden beneath my shell, always at the moment between seeing a different world and staying in my comfort zone.

Sometimes I wish I cared about changing in front of my friend. Then I'd be able to hide what I want to do to my body. I already can't change in gym class. I'm that pathetic wimp who changes in the bathroom.

I hate my body.
I want to burn.
I want to fall into ashes, never to come back again.
Or maybe I'd like to be a phoenix.
So I could always be different when I arrived.

I deserve a painful death.

Facing reality is like having a truck ram into you.

I've been in a car crash before. I remember it like the glass shattering and my hair being thrown in front of me. I couldn't get up. And when I woke up I'd see that the windows never broke and that we were all fine. But my mom would say that my step dad saved us. That he hit the breaks just at the right time.

He didn't save anybody.

He was tired and it was his fault we were in that situation in the first place.

I wanted to blame everything on him.

He could have at least had the decency to let me die.

No.
I shouldn't say that.

It's not his fault.
Not everything is everyone else's fault.
I need to remember that.

Why couldn't he have taken me with him when we brought the firemen?

I want to go back home.
Where my family is.
Where the stars lie.

I'm writing all this because I don't have my journal. Truth is, I'd much rather not open my mind to you.
Because I like being secretive.
And hiding my emotions.

You could say I'm exactly like a character my friend and I made up.

The only difference is she actually has a reason to hate her life. She had a reason to put herself through hell. To feel hell.
I don't.

I don't have a reason for any of this.

Jade is who I want to be.
She has always been a character stuck in my brain. An alternate version of me that I liked better.

But people don't like Jade. She's too afraid of being okay. She's too afraid of what people think. She doesn't want to let you in and she runs away from all her problems.

If she's like this then what am I?
If you don't like her, it makes me scared to think about what you think of me.

You'll let her ruin her life for a man she's not destined to be with but what would you let me do?

All I want to do is ruin my life it seems.
I might as well stop caring about my future. I won't have one anyway.

Pretending to sleep is my greatest defense. Pretending I'm not there is all I have. I once hid underneath my sister's bed so I wouldn't have to go to school. My whole family was looking for me, probably thinking I was kidnapped. After hours I hid under there and when I finally came out I told them I was sick and was scared they would make me go to school anyways.

I've been an amazing liar ever since the start.

Lying is my best and only quality. If I can lie to you I can get you off my back. I manipulate situations and make it so it's always better for me.

It's the way I get away with everything in my life.

That and pretending like it never happened.

Running away form problems once again.

I hate school. And not in the typical teenage way but because school is where I have to act as normal I can and still balance the real me. The people there are frightening. I feel like no one actually likes me. Or that they wish they never did.

Last year I missed so many days of school, they almost made me repeat a year. They said they'd forgive me this time because they thought I was a good student but really looking back, I wasn't.

I would accidentally wake up late or wake up and not feel up to getting ready. I'd hide in my room for hours and when my sister came she would have to come in my room to see if I was there. She never got me to school though. I wouldn't let her.

Everyone thought it was because I was depressed and I was but what they thought is it was because my step dad had died. My mom still thinks that damaged me and not to be a horrible human being who doesn't feel sad but it never really did. The two weeks after he died, I didn't go to school only because I had an excuse not to.

My step dad damaged me because he damaged my sister. My sister has it really really bad. Not because he died but because my mom married him in the first place.

Because my mom didn't want to be alone, she "fell in love" with a man who made me sister feel alone.

My sister is my best friend before anyone. I treat her like absolute dirt because that's the b**** I am but without her I'd hate my life oh so much more.

All those times she protected me. I never even thanked her. Not really.

But now she needs me and I'm never there for her.

She is the reason I am alive today. Plain and simple. It's because of her that I don't want to take my life away.

I hate how I've treated her.

I deserve to go to hell. To burn into ashes. To burn my ashes. To never exist again.

I seriously hate myself.
I
Frickin
Hate
Myself

My sister has saved my heavydirtysoul. The least I could do is save hers.