MUSIC: How Can I - Charlie XCX 

Amelia above^

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Amelia's P.O.V:

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"Amelia, when you said we can all be bad people, what did you mean?" Ryan asked me sincerely and I swallowed. 

It was decision making time. I could tell him, I could let it all spill. Tell someone the full story of what happened to me. I could do it and have the burden of what happened fall from my back. I could tell him and risk putting him in more danger then he already was because I was with him. 

Or I could keep it to myself. I could keep the story that i've always secretly wanted to tell someone to myself; even though he just spilled his guts to me. I could do it, to try and keep him safe, even though he was already in danger.

If I didn't tell him I ran the risk of loosing him because I wasn't truthful.

But if I told him, I ran the risk of loosing him to Gilbert.

I couldn't decide which was worse.

I moved away from Ryan and stared at the TV. I was debating, I was fighting against myself in a war that I didn't know the solution to. I knew he was watching me. He was worried, and he had every right to be. It made me feel even more guilty that I thought about not telling him.

"What happened Amelia?"

It broke me. It did. The sincerity in his voice, the worry, the caring tone, everything. It made my resolve crumble.

I'd found it. My weakness. It was him. He could make me do anything.

So I decided to tell him. I'd swear him to secrecy but i'd tell him. It was only a matter of time before Cher said something to him anyway.

I laughed bitterly as I thought about Gilbert, and what he'd done to me.

"It started when I started to see my Mum again." I said and swallowed the lump in my throat. "Everything was great, she used to take me to this bar... She knew the owners and they had kids, a girl and a boy. I befriended the boy and we became really close. He introduced me to his sister Penny and we became friend's too, even though she's way older then me. Every time I saw my Mum she'd take me there. We used to go with my Dad too, when I was really young. I became really close to the boy, Reese, and Penny. They were my best friends. I never had many friends-" I stopped for a minute and looked away. I sighed and carried on. "-People just never really liked me, so to find two people that did...I wanted to hold onto it forever. Then the news of my Mum's death came about. She'd killed herself, from depression, they reckoned. I later found out that it wasn't all her fault. I was put into full time care, and they were trying to find me a foster parent. I was 12 when they finally did. 

His name was Gilbert. He was didn't have a girlfriend, no kids, no pets. But I didn't think anything of it. I was so ecstatic that I was finally going to have a forever home that I didn't think twice when he'd say something sketchy. It was great at the beginning. He took me to school everyday, picked me up, he even traveled so that I could see Reese and Penny.  He told me that I was his priority, that he'd do everything to keep me safe and happy. 

One day, his friend's came over, they were older men, in their 40's and they gave off the 'don't mess with me' vibe. When they came round I was sent to my room and told not to come out. I did as I was told, and assumed that it was because they wanted adult time, not because they were signing a deal involving a gang." I stopped and swallowed. I cleared my throat. Ryan grabbed my hand. I didn't even think about what he was thinking. I was determined to let it all out because if I stopped for too long I wouldn't be able to. "It turned out that Gilbert was part of a gang. They needed to train new people to join, hence the reason Gilbert fostered me. I was taken to this place, and forced to stay there. That's when his true colours came out. He started to treat me like a piece of dirt and I didn't understand why. I was forced into training. Self defense classes, fighting classes. I was taught how to handle a gun at the age of 12 and how to shoot someone. I was taught where to shoot to ensure you didn't kill them and where to shoot to ensure you did. I was aloud out a few times every couple of months and I spent that time with Reese. We were really close and so I split everything to him. He told me that it wasn't right and that I should tell someone. I was too scared to. I'd seen them fight, i'd seen the people hurt others." I winced. "I'd seen the damage they could do and I knew they'd do it to me.

It carried on like that. I was treated like a prisoner and whenever I was let out I saw Reese. I'd tell him everything and we'd end up kissing. He was the closest thing i'd ever had to a boyfriend and when I started to think that maybe I could survive with the way things were, they got worse." I said and Ryan squeezed my hand. "Gilbert found out i'd told Reese everything and he punished me for it. I was 13, going on 14 at the time. He beat me, and he did it bad. I was put into this...room, it only had a mattress on the floor. It stunk and was dirty. I was weak and didn't protest. The day after i'd been put in there, a girl, about my age, was put in there too.

Her name was Georgina. She had it a bit better then me. She was forced into it too. Put into all the classes, forced into doing bad things. She was like a spy. They cherished her more then they did me. She was able to trick you into doing things you'd never think possible. She told me I needed to be tougher. I needed to be spiteful. I needed to be heartless. I needed to be everything I wasn't. I felt bad for killing a fly, let alone hurting someone. Because that is what it was all for. They'd train us to be able to kill in cold blood but I never wanted that. I just wanted to be normal. But there, normal wasn't good enough. And so in our time there Georgina became my accomplice. She trained me more then they did, she taught me to be cold, heartless. She taught me to be bad. She never expected me to be able to do it, but I could. She left when I was 14. She simply disappeared. There was this one time... There were these teenagers, they were what, 18, 19 maybe? They were involved in some type of deal that I guessed was to do with drugs and they owed Gilbert money. They had most of it, they were £50 short or something stupid. They told him they could have it the next week but he wasn't having it.  Their names were Prince, Parker and Poppy. He made everyone come into the room, he made people sit them on chairs, he made this poor boy..." I stopped and wiped away the tears that had fallen. "This boy, he was about 16 or something. Gilbert made him tie them up and stand there and hold them whilst he shot them. He made me load the guns, he made me pass them to him. Before he shot them he said to me, 'this is what you need to become, before it's too late'. Then he just shot them." I paused and swallowed. I wanted to cry, I needed to cry but nothing other then a few silent tears were escaping. 

Ryan moved and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. I was glad he was silent. I needed to finish the story before he spoke in case he tried to convince me I didn't need to say anymore.

"I've never been able to get the moment out of my head. The whole scene is stuck in there and it won't disappear. A few days after, I approached Gilbert. I knew it was dangerous and I probably should have just kept my mouth shut, like the rules said, but I didn't. I asked him why he'd shot them, why he couldn't have just waited and he told me it was none of my business. He told me I was of no use to them and that he regretted picking me to foster out of everyone. He told me I was like my Mum." I stopped and sighed. "I asked him how he knew my Mum and he explained it. He'd known her his whole life, he always liked her, he always wanted her but she never wanted him. She was in love with my Dad and nothing he could do would stop that. When he found out that my Dad had left her he took it as his chance. She still wanted nothing to do with him but he wouldn't have it. He was ruthless, he forced her into things she didn't want to do. He was playing mind tricks on her, trying to get her to believe that the way he treated her was because he loved her and wanted her only. He didn't want to run the risk of loosing her - is what he said but he'd already lost her. 

One night, apparently she wouldn't do what he wanted and he got really angry, he told her to kill herself, he told her she wasn't worth it. When I asked him why he'd say those things when he loved her he told me it was all part of his game. He'd make her think he wanted her gone and to spite him she'd stay, but it didn't work. My Mum was a smart woman and she knew his games and his tricks. She'd worked them out and one day it got too much and she did it, she killed herself. As he told me I got angry, I tried to take him on, I tried to hurt him, like he'd hurt me and my Mum but it was an attempt in vain.  I was a 14 year old girl, skinny and weak, I never stood a chance against him. He beat me and he told me it was the last straw.  I was sent to this chamber thing, I didn't have a bed. My wrists were tied above my head and my mouth was taped over. I hadn't been fed properly in days and I was aloud a glass of water a day. It was torture. One time, this boy came in. He had a gun in his hand, and the people that came to give me water and maybe some food never did. I thought he was going to kill me. I found out a few days ago that he was meant to, but he didn't. He was the same boy that Gilbert forced to tie up Parker, Prince and Poppy. He was the youngest boy of the gang. He didn't look like he belonged, he was lanky and skinny, nothing like the guys that were there. He gave me a granola bar, for energy, untied me and left his gun. I never understood why until a few days ago when I was talking to Cher." I stopped and a small smile came on my face.

"It turns out that was Cher's brother. This whole time, Cher had known everything and I never had a clue. Apparently the boy knew that he would get in enough trouble as it was for not killing me, and so he figured he might as well of left me some protection against everyone. I never saw him again and a few days later, the police turned up. I don't know what happened, whether they were ratted out or not, but they all fled and left me. The Police found me and took me back to care. My Dad found out briefly what had happened and was asked to take care of me since there was no reason why he couldn't. The Police never found out who it was that did that to me and I never actually knew. I knew they were Gilbert's orders, but I had no clue who followed them. I had a lucky escape and Gilbert never bothered me again." I finished. I didn't want to say he was back, I didn't want to scare Ryan away any more then he probably was.

"He never bothered you again until now, you mean." Ryan said and I froze. "You've told me this much Amelia, don't stop now. He's the one that did this to you, isn't he?" Ryan asked and ran his hand over the sore spot on my head. I closed my eyes and nodded. I started to cry and Ryan pulled me into his arms. I felt weak, I felt pathetic. I felt like i'd just done something that would lead to worse things.

"I need to go Ryan." I whispered and tried to pull away from him but he held my close.                        

 "Why?" He asked.

"It's too dangerous. He told me that if anyone found out he was back he'd hurt me, and he'd hurt everyone I love. He has people watching Ryan. Everywhere, all the time. They're watching. He knows who you and the guys are, and Cher. It's so dangerous. It's why i've been ignoring everyone, he's come back and he's not afraid to kill Ryan. I can't loose you guys and now i've told you everything and he's going to hurt you and your family and-"

"Calm down Amelia. He won't, I promise, okay? You're not going to loose us, you're not going to loose me. I promise. I'm going to make this better Amelia. I promise." Ryan said and tightened his arms around me. I cried into him and he swayed us slightly as we hugged.

"How?" I cried and he shh'ed me.

"I don't know yet Amelia. But I will, don't you worry."

And for some strange reason I found myself believing his words.

"Don't you hate me?" I asked in a whisper and he froze.

"Why on earth would I hate you? You did nothing wrong Amelia, nothing. You're so strong, so so strong.  No one could hate you Amelia." He whispered back and I continued to cry.

"I love you Ryan. I'm so sorry." I cried out and he continued to hug me.

"I love you too, don't worry."