JONATHAN

"It was a panic attack. I- Uh," Alistair shuddered, not meeting Jonathan's eye. "I get them every so often. I used to have a therapist that helped me with all of that, but... I had been getting better. I knew most of my triggers and I knew how to avoid them or stay calm when I couldn't. Sex turns out to be one of those triggers... or at least afterwards."

I nodded along, showing I was listening. I traced slow circles into Alistair's knee, comforting and urging him to keep on going. It took a lot of strength to open up; I knew that better than most. If he decided right now want the time to talk about it, that would be fine as well. I just wanted him to know I supported him no matter what.

"I had a rough childhood. My mom was a drug addict that didn't give a sh*t about me, and I never knew my dad. He was a one night stand of my mom's. She was a huge sl#t, so even she didn't know which one it was. When my- when my mom overdosed, I was 6. I moved in with my uncle. He was my only known living relative."

I could see tears welling in Ali's eyes as he pushed to get the words out. His adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly.

"It was fine living with him at first. I mostly had to take care of myself, but he let me watch the telly while he was out. And I was used to fending for myself. I could make myself some toast or cereal and wash up; that's all I really needed. One night... one night he came home late. I still remember how badly he smelled of liquor and cheap cigars," Alistair's eyes fogged up as he looked off into the distance. "He always smelled like cigars, but the alcohol was new.

"When he came home, I was in bed. I was reading a book under the sheets- I didn't know if he cared about me staying up all night, but my mom hated it. I didn't want to get in trouble, so I kept quiet and didn't turn on the big light. When I heard him, I turned off my flashlights and waited for him to go to his room. Except he didn't," his voice cracked as he wiped his eyes and shook his head. I squeezed his thigh, bringing his hand to my mouth and kissed the back of it.

"He came in and held me down as he-" Alistair was so broken up he couldn't even finish his sentence. He buried his face into my shoulder and I held him close, rocking him back and forth. "I scr-screamed and I f-f-fought, but he just sl-slapped a hand over my m-mouth and- and- and-"

      "Shhhhhh... You don't have to say anymore, baby," I murmured into his ear.

I could connect the dots. With his caution towards sex and fear of being with another male, it became obvious what exactly his uncle had done to him. He didn't need to say anything further. I could feel through his chest as Alistair's heart beat raced. "It's okay," I whispered in his ear, kissing his temple. "I won't ever let anyone hurt you again, baby."

Alistair just nodded, sniffling into my shirt. He didn't fully gather himself for a while, but it was okay. I knew he needed that time, and I didn't mind holding him in my arms. I rocked him back and forth, my eyes fluttering closed.

   We didn't pull apart until I heard a pattern of footsteps and saw my sister standing in the doorway, staring at the light. I gently let go of Alistair, getting up and turning off the light. Lucy stepped forward, turning it on and off again exactly three times before taking her seat. It was her routine.

     Lucy stared at her BLT before rubbing the bread, making sure it wasn't soggy or squishy. She had sensitivity towards mushy textures; she usually only ate crunchy things. Once she found the BLT to her liking, she dug in.

    Alistair smiled at her, running his puffy eyes, before grabbing a sandwich for himself. "Are you going to go wake your mother?" He asked. His voice wasn't too scratchy, which was good.

     "No need. I'm up, just a little slower than Luce," Mom laughed as she made her appearance in the doorway. "I didn't expect to see you boys back so early. Did you have a fun night?" She didn't mention our disheveled appearances.

     I nodded, smiling widely. "It wasn't that great of a party, but Alistair got drunk and that was pretty funny..."

     Alistair blushed, reaching over and smacking my arm. "Shut up, Jonathan! I wasn't drunk, just a little tipsy!" He argued, getting pissy.

      I snorted; we both knew full well that he had gotten slammed. Alistair glared, but I just smiled back. My mom laughed along with me, taking her usual seat at the table. I placed her sandwich in front of her to eat.

I sat back down with Alistair at my side. We all dug into our breakfast, eating in silence. It was a comfortable silence; no talking was needed. I was the first to finish, but Alistair was a close second. I got up and began to wash our dishes, Alistair at my side as he stroked my arm.

After everyone finished their food, Mom and Lucy went off to go play with her toys. Alistair and I locked up the house, heading out to my car. It was time to take Alistair home. I didn't want his parents to worry, although I hated having to leave him so soon.

As I started up the car, Alistair placed his hand on my thigh. I looked over, curious as to what he was up to. He just grinned and shook his head.

I smiled back and started down the road. "Are you thinking about going to college?" I asked. It was an out of the blue question, but it had been itching at the back of my mind for some time.

Alistair shrugged. "I've got a few football scholarships to some nice places, but I don't know. I'm not even entirely sure what I want to be yet. My mind changes every other week on what I want to do..."

"Isn't that the truth... I- I want to go to the community college to get an associate's degree for auto mechanics. I think so, at least... I've always been good with cars and stuff, and I've got a little experience, so I thought maybe I should shoot to have it as a full time job," I told him, something I had yet to even open up about to my mom.

Alistair's face lit up. "That'd be perfect for you! You would be an awesome mechanic, I can totally see it!"

I sighed happily, relieved someone else backed up my dreams. "Thanks."

We spent the rest of the car ride talking about college options for Alistair and what we wanted to do in the future. It was exciting and for the first time in a long time, I was looking forward to my future.

     By the time I pulled up to Alistair's house, I was feeling so much lighter. He opened his door, about to jump out, but I stopped him. I grabbed his wrist, pulling him close and planting a firm kiss on his lips. When I pulled away, his eyes were sparkling.

      Gathering up my courage, I said the magical three words. The three words you could never take back. "I love you," I whispered. And it was true. I knew with all my heart that I loved him. Even though we had a rough start and argued constantly, I cared about him a lot. I didn't ever want to let him go.

     Alistair just smiled. "I know," he replied before slamming the old car door shut. The car shuddered, but I was too focused on staring at his back as he disappeared into his house.

      Of course he knew. That little sh*t.

That, my dudes, was the end of this sh*tty story. :)