Me: I wrote you a song

Dabria: Oh?

Me: *clears throat* it goes a little something like this

Me: *strums my guitar*  fuck you

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Dabria: Hey Jay, wanna hear a joke about momma Harley's mallet?

Me: Sure Dabria-

Dabria: Well, I would tell you, but you'll never get it.

Me:...

Dabria:...

Me: Dear diary, today I had to bury a body.

---------------------------------------------

Me: I broke my leg...the doctor says I have to use a crutch for now.

Ro: So you're leaning to a side?

Me: Yeah? Why-

Ro: So you're not straight then?

Me: ....

Ro: #Jayisn'tstraightconfirmed

-------------------------------------

Me: I was going to use 'Dabria' as my new computer pass,

Dabria: Jay, I am genuinely touched by your kindness-

Me: But it was to short.

Dabria:

Me:

Dabria:

Me:

Dabria: *throws a book at my face*

---------------------------

Ro: Jay what are you doing?

Me, standing on a cliff facing the sea: celebrating Mother's day. *has a flash back to when momma Harley fell off a cliff*

Me: HAPPY MOTHERS DAY YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!

-------------------------------------------

Momma: It's time to play, who stole the drugs?

Me: Was it me?

Ro: Was it me?

Dabria: It was her.

Mom: FUCKING PINK FARIES EVERYWHERE!!!!!!

--------------------------------------------

Me: Momma?

Momma: Yes, Jay?

Me: Tell me a useless fact.

Momma: There are 1.9 billion children in the world. 27% of the population are children.

Me: I wonder if I could use that to seem more condescending.

-----------------------------------

Sometimes I listen to My chemical Romance. I never acknowledge it, well until now that is, but I know all the words to 'welcome to the black parade'

-----------------------

Me: Okay, I have an announcement.

Dabria: You pushed Shawm out a window

Me: No.

Dabria: You shot Cookie

Me: No. *is trying not to laugh* No that is not funny, I love my family.

Me: Even though I hit mom with my mallet.

-------------------------------------------------------

Dabria: You have no idea what I had to go through to get this jacket.

Me: You stripped it off the body of a dead man

Dabria: which gives it great sentimental value

-------------------------------------------------------

Me: *addressing a court* All mothers and fuckers of the jury

---------------------------------

Just so we're clear, The Grinch never really hated Christmas. He hated people, which is fair.

-----------------------------

Ro: Jay, I have a question.

Me: If you're asking about my sexuality-

Me: -I'm afraid I can't give you a straight answer

Ro:

Wade:

Dabria, from another room: JAY, YOU IDIOT, THAT WAS MY JOKE!

-----------------------------------

Me: I came out to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Dabria: I came out to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

----------------------------

"I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a fucking gentleman."

----------------------------------------

"No matter how insecure or shitty you felt, just remember that online your muscles can be massive enough that you can punch through walls"

------------------------------------------

Me: He makes me feel things.

Dabria: What things?

Me: feelings.

Dabria: He made you feel feelings?

Me: Yes.

Dabria: What a bitch.

---------------------------------------

"I'm really glad 'fight me' has replaced 'sue me' in the common vernacular because I don't have any money, but I do have fist and am always angry."

-------------------------------

Me: I won't rest.

Me: UNTIL I'VE COMPLAINED ABOUT EVERYTHING!

-----------------------------------------

Mom: Here you go. Nice hot cup of tea.

Me: It's cold.

Mom: Nice cup of tea.

Me: Taste horrible.

Mom: Cup of tea.

Me: I'm not even sure this is tea.

Mom: Cup.