Mom: All right guys, this has to end.

Me: What, my life?

Mom: I was gonna say leaving toothpaste on the counter but perhaps we should be having a different conversation.

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"Sometimes I think about cutting down on my caffeine intake, but then I'm like, mmm...better not."

-Jason "I'm not addicted to coffee" Lastname aka me

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When JJ is getting chased by bad guys because he did something stupid and I am sent in to save him

Me: *pulls up in a sketchy van* Get in the van if you want to live.

JJ: What if I want to live but don't want to get in the van?

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Me: You're going to be the cause of Jack Napier's funeral, aren't you? (Twinny knows who I mean when I say Jack. You know our dad.)

Ty: Of course! As the eldest child it's my obligation to pound in the stake in his cold dead non-beating heart

Me: Typical. Nothing for Jason to do.

Ty: OK, you can cut off his head and hold it up for Harley to see.

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Ty: Hey Jay, I need some advice on something.

Me: Yeah...I'm not so great with advice. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

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Me: Just remember. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, but no one ever really knew what he was doing up there in the first place.

Ty: For goodness sakes Jay go to sleep.

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"Sometimes I shock myself with all the smart things I say and do. But then there are times I try to get out the car with my seatbelt on"

—Me after four days with no sleep

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"I'm not saying I want to kill you, but if death were to come knocking I would gladly open the door and show him to your room."

Ty to me (most likely after I piss them off)

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It's not that I'm addicted to caffeine, it's just that if I don't drink a certain amount of coffee a day I want to kill everyone including myself.

— Me

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Momma: Did you just refer to a knife as a "people opener"?

Mom: Should I have not have?

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(Something I have no idea why I thought of XD)

Roy Harper :  *patting Robin and Kid flash on the back* Good job gays.

Dick:  *nervous laughter* Did you mean to say gu-

Roy : Did I stutter?

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Ty: We're so in sync! We finish each other's...

Me: ...

Ty: ...sssss-

Me: -sssomebody once told me

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Me: You are what you eat.

Mom:  *mumbling under her breath* I don't remember feeding you a huge disappointment.

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Batman: Yeah, we're arch-enemies, but I would fuck you if you asked.

Superman: *blushing*  What?

Batman: *blushing*  What?

Green Lantern: *eating chips in the background*  He said he would fuck you if you asked.

(I'm adding in random things I think could happen for no reason)

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Ty: [to the family] My brother is the light of my life! I love him immensely! Isn't that right, Jason?

Me: I would sell you to satan for one corn chip.

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"I put my symptoms into WebMD and it turns out I just have kids."

— Mom or Momma ,all the time

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Momma: Since you won't be able to contact me for a while, I've left a complimentary bowl of advice.

Momma: For instance, "Jason, stop doing that". Just applies to everything.

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Game Night:

[Playing Scrabble]

Mom: I will put my "A" down to make "A"

Momma: I will add to your "A" to make "AT"

Ty: I will add onto your "AT" to make "RAT"

Me: I will add onto your "RAT" to make "BIOSTRATIGRAPHIC"

Mom: [flips the board]

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Momma: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3 a.m. to look at the stars.

Mom: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3 a.m. to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

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Ty: My head hurts.

Me: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

(666 words!!!!!!!!!)