Me: [after finding out Ro ate the last cookie] Am I in hell?

Dabria: No, Jay. If you were in hell, you'd be on a throne and the devil would be packing.

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When asked what life's been like in the fam...

Me: Well, um.

me: *dodges a flying couch while looking cautiously behind my shoulder at a blur of people running*

Me: I only understand about twenty percent of what goes on around here.

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Ro: How do you take your coffee?

Me: I take my coffee as dark and bitter as my soul.

Ro: Okay, so a white chocolate mocha.

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Dabria: I did a bad thing

Me: Does it affect me?

Dabria: No...

Me: Then suffer in silence

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Dabria: *is sitting outside the principals office* What are you in for?

Me: Oh, they just wanted to know if it's okay if I miss my classes tomorrow to run sound and light for a presentation in the auditorium. What are you in for?

Dabria: I stabbed a kid with a screwdriver.

Me: We live very different lives.

Dabria: Yup.

--------------------------------------------

Ro: Oh, feelings? Yeah, I don't have those anymore.

Me: What?! You can't just do that! What's the point in living if you can't feel happiness? Wonder? Love?

Ro: Or the sweet taste of revenge! You're right, Jay! What's the point in living if I can't enjoy such simple things?

Me: Eh...close enough.

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Momma: *drinking coffee, watching as her children gather in a small circle in the kitchen*

Dabria: So, hands in.

Wade, Ro, and Mom: *put their hands one on top of the other over Dabria's*

Dabria: Defeat that little brat Jay on three! 1, 2, 3!

Momma: *spits out coffee*

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Ro: You're an awful person.

Dabria: Maybe, but I'm rich and pretty so it doesn't really matter.

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Dabria: you promised me you wouldn't get me bees again.

Me: *from a distance* Just open it.

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[At my court hearing]

Judge: Are you guilty?

Me: Bitch I might be.

Momma: *from the stands* Oh my god.

Judge:

Jury:

Mom:

Dabria: *applauds*

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Me: *steps forward to wear the sorting hat*

The sorting hat: Hufflepuff!

Me: But I didn't even wear you yet

The sorting hat: It's your first day and you already made friendship bracelets with half the school

Me: It's never to early to make memories!

(Hey @DamianWaynesChildIII can you believe I'm a hufflepuff. I'm not even an actual hufflepuff, I'm a slytherin)

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Dabria: *is dressed up* How do I look, Jay?

Me: With your eyes, Dabria.

Dabria: Jay...come here, sweetie

*across the city*

Momma: *whispers* With your eyes...

Mom: Did you say something?

Momma: Oh nothing, just our son's final words.

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Momma: *walks into the kitchen to find mom in a bathrobe with bags under her eyes, cooking something dark* Uh, what are you doing?

Mom: *deadpan* Making chocolate pudding

Momma: It's four o'clock in the morning. Why on Earth are you making chocolate pudding?

Mom: Because I've lost all control of my life.

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Momma: *to us about the computer* who broke it?

*silence*

Momma: I'm not mad. I just wanna know.

Wade: *looks around at everyone* I did. I broke the com-

Momma: No. No you didn't. Dabria?

Dabria: Don't look at me. Look at him *points to JJ*

JJ: What? I didn't break it!

Dabria: Huh! That's weird! How'd you even know it was broken?

JJ: Because it's sitting right in front of us, and it's broken.

Dabria: Suspicious.

JJ: No, it's not!

Ro: If it matters, probably not. But she *points to mom* was the last one to use it.

Mom: Liar, I don't even touch that thing!

Ro: Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the computer desk earlier?

Mom: I use the computer desk as a chair because it's more comfortable! Everyone knows that, Ro!

Wade: Okay let's not fight, I broke it. Let me pay for it, momma.

Momma: No! Who broke it?

Me: *hushed tone* Ivy's been awfully quiet.

Ivy: Really! Really!

Me: Yeah, really!

Ivy: Oh my god!

*everyone starts arguing*

Momma: *pulls mom off to the side* I broke it. It kept making noises so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

Mom: *looks back at us arguing* Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

----------------------------------------

Dabria: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much am I going to hate this little plan of yours?

Me: About an 85.

Dabria: Oh, good.

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Me: Bad news - Dabria lost the keys to there room

Me: Good news - We didn't have to wait around for a lock smith.

Me: Bad news - Dabria finds it very concerning that I know how to pick locks, and tried to unlock my tragic backstory. I was to embarrassed to admit that the reason I learned was because, at ten, I figured that was the kind of skill that would impress hot people.

Me: Good news - A hot person saw me do it.

Me: Bad news - It was Ivy, and since they already have seen me fall out of several trees, cry because I saw a fawn that was just to small, and knows I can ride a unicycle, they'll never think I'm cool no matter what I do. It's to late. They know.

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The future (exactly 7 years in the future)

[I am sitting on the floor, in the dark, surrounded by paper and what looks like the contents of an entire coffee house.]

Ivy: *enters the room and turns on the light and looks around trying to understand what they're seeing* ...um? Jay?

Me: *Staring unblinking into the void* Ivy, how old do you think I am?

Ivy: *hazarding a guess more to humor me than anything else* Twenty? Dude, these all nighters have to stop, it's like, 3 A.M-

Me: *turns towards them with what looks like great difficulty* I'm 21. And do you know how long I've been twenty-one for?

Ivy: I...I'm sorry, I don't think I understand what you're-

Me: No, you wouldn't, would you? You haven't been here long enough to notice. Time stands still here. Oh, something passes, but it's not real time. They can't create real time.

Ivy: *nods slowly choosing not to ask who they are* Uh huh. Hey, uh, just out of curiosity, nothing at all to do with you sounding like even more of a conspiracy freak than usual, did you drink ALL of the these? Because I'm pretty sure that amount of caffeine is fatal for anything smaller than a water buffalo and-

Me: *making an effort to smile* I've been twenty one since 2003.

Ivy: ...oh?

Me: *giving up on smiling to lie face down on the floor* It was bad enough the first year

Ivy: *slowly backs out the room and when they get out the door they run down the hall* DABRIA!!!!! 

Dabria: What?

Ivy: Jay hasn't been sleeping again.