Luke's POV

"Mom, are you ready?" I ask, walking into her room. "You have everything?"

She nods and smiles. "All set."

"Okay, me too." I put my backpack on my shoulder and grab my mom's bags.

Today is the day she's starting her first chemo session. She'll stay in the hospital for at least a week and if she responds well to everything, she can go home. She'll go back to the hospital once a week for two months to get treatments to shrink her cancer. Then it will be removed.

Hopefully all goes as planned.

My dad is in the kitchen waiting for us, a nervous smile on his face. He puts his arm around my mom's shoulders gently.

"It'll be okay, Liz," he says quietly.

She nods quickly. "I know." She sighs. "I hope."

"Mom, don't worry," I reassure her. I don't even believe myself, I'm still worrying. This whole thing is unpredictable, no one really knows what's going to happen.

We all get into the car, none of us saying much the whole way to the hospital. I'm not really sure what to say right now, so I figure it's best to say nothing at all.

Once we're at the hospital, we check my mom in and sit in the waiting room while we wait for her doctor. After a few minutes, her doctor comes out and sits beside my mom.

"How are you feeling?" she asks, smiling widely.

"I'm alright. Nervous," my mom tells her.

"That's expected. And how are you two?" she asks, turning to my dad and I.

"I'm okay," I tell her.

My dad nods.

She tells us to follow her, and we head into her office. She explains everything in depth, including all of the side effects and how my mom will probably feel after. We've already been told most of this, but she's going through the whole process again.

"There's no way to predict exactly what you'll experience during or after chemo," she says. "Some people have it worse than others. It all depends on the person."

My mom nods as she listens. 

"Any last questions?" she asks once she's done, looking at all three of us.

I clear my throat. "Can I stay here the night with my mom?"

My mom looks over at me. "Luke, you don't need to."

"I want to."

I want to stay here with my mom. I know how terrible staying in a hospital can be, and I want to make sure she's okay. I'll worry worse at home not knowing what's happening.

Her doctor smiles. "Of course. You'll have to be extra careful though in making sure you don't bring any germs into the room. Like I said, your mom's white blood cell level will start dropping and she's prone to infection."

I nod. "I can do that."

"Alright. If there's no further questions, let's get started."

We're brought into another room that's on a different floor. This time, there's a few big, blue chairs. One other person is in here, she's getting chemo too, probably. She's a lot younger though, she looks like she could be around my age. She doesn't look up from her phone when we walk in. 

My mom's doctor leaves and a nurse is already here getting everything ready.

"Hello, I'm Rae! I'll be one of your nurses now! Here, you can sit right here," she says, patting one of the chairs for my mom. "Are you her son and husband? You can sit right over there for a little while I start." 

My dad blushes and we go sit where Rae told us. I wave to my mom and she smiles.

"Alrighty, Liz. I'm going to take your vitals and give you some pre-meds."

Rae shuffles around my mom, working quickly and gently. She's done within a few minutes. 

"Now, I'm just going to put this IV in your arm, it'll be in there for two hours to go through the whole session. Once that is over, I'll bring you to your room where you'll rest, okay?" Rae tells her.

"Mm hmm." My mom looks away while Rae wipes her arm and gets ready to put the IV in. After a few seconds, the IV is in my mom's arm.

"Feel okay? Any pain or burning in your arm?" Rae asks.

"No," my mom tells her.

"Okay, good. I'll be right out in the hall, I'll come check in every few minutes. Press this button if you need anything," Rae says, pointing to a remote.

My mom nods. 

"You can come over now if you'd like," Rae tells my dad and me.

We pull our chairs closer to my mom once Rae leaves. There's the IV dripping, both from my mom and the other girl in here, and a faint ticking of a clock. Other than that, it's silent.

"Want your book? Or your phone? Or a magazine?" I ask her.

She shakes her head. "I'm okay for now."

I think I hear the girl in the corner giggle a little. I look over at her, and she's still looking at her phone. I wonder how long she's been here. This is definitely one of many chemo sessions, she's wearing a beanie and there's no hair peeking out of it. I think it would be rude to ask her questions though.

The two hours pass by slowly. Rae comes in every ten minutes to check on my mom. The other girl leaves after Rae's third check in. 

Rae comes in once the session is over. It seems like it lasted way longer than two hours. Once my mom is ready, we all follow Rae to my mom's room. Rae is pushing my mom down the hallways in a wheelchair, chatting with all of us. I think she can tell we're all nervous.

"Here we are. Welcome to your new room!" Rae says, walking into a room that's a little larger than all the other hospital rooms I've seen. "Make it feel like home. You can bring almost anything in here. No flowers or plants though! They can bring mold and germs in the air, we don't want that! Bring in some pictures or balloons to brighten the place up. This will be your room for the next week!"

*

"Luke, are you sure you'll be okay staying the night?" my dad asks for the second time.

"Dad, I'm sure."

He gives me a hug and turns to my mom, who is lying in her bed.

"I'll be back tomorrow," he tells her. She opens her eyes a little and nods. He turns back to me. "Call me if you need anything."

"Yep, I will."

My dad leaves, which means it's just my mom and me. It's been pretty quiet the past few hours. She's extremely tired, which is a normal side effect of chemo. Rae's been coming in, as well as some other nurses, to check in on her. Everything seems okay so far. Not great, but okay.

My mom falls asleep, so I spend the next hour on my phone texting Delilah and Calum, updating them on everything. At some point, Rae comes in with some food for my mom.

"Hi, Liz. Here's some toast, fruit, and water. Do you feel well enough to eat anything?" Rae says, sitting in a chair beside my mom and putting a plate of food on her tray.

My mom sits up slowly. "I think so."

Rae tells my mom to eat slowly and take small sips of her water. My mom takes a few bites of the toast and she seems fine.

The next few minutes go by in a blur. My mom started throwing up, really badly. Everything seemed okay, and then it all went downhill. My mom started crying and told me to wait out in the hall. Rae calmly rushed me out of the room, saying it wasn't good for me to stay. 

Now, I'm running up all the stairs, not stopping until I get to the top. I couldn't wait outside the room. It was too much for me. It all just hit me like a pound of bricks. My mom is sick. She's really sick. I can't do anything to cure her. 

It's just like Delia. I couldn't do anything to help her either.

I'm out of breath by the time I get to the door at the top of the staircase. There's a sign saying "Not an exit" but I push open the door anyways. It opens up to a section of the hospital's roof. I slowly step out, walking over to the railing. I look down, there's a man walking out of a car with a kid. There's an ambulance pulling up to the Emergency Room.

I don't feel like I'm getting a panic attack, like I usually would. I feel something completely different. I just feel overwhelmed. It's like there's a weight on top of my chest. So much is happening and everything is changing. Everything is suddenly shifting around me and nothing I do can keep it in place. But this time I need to stay standing, I can not crumble this time. I need to be here for my mom. I'm determined to not let this ruin me, or my mom. We'll both make it through this.

"Um, hello?" I hear someone say.

I'm definitely in so much trouble. A nurse probably followed me.

I turn around and see a girl sitting in a chair, reading a book. It's the same girl that I noticed earlier.

"Oh, hi. I'm- I didn't know- I was just- I can leave-" I mutter, unsure what to say. I quickly wipe my eyes, realizing there's some tears getting ready to fall.

"No, it's fine," she says, putting a bookmark in her book. "I'm Jordan by the way."

"I'm Luke."

"So, what are you here for?" she asks.

I pace across the roof slowly. "Uh, my mom. She has..."

"Cancer."

"Yeah, that."

She nods.

"What about you?" I stop walking, realizing what a rude question that is. "Sorry, I'm kinda new at the whole talking thing."

Jordan laughs. "It's okay. I have leukemia."

"Oh."

"Don't say you're sorry."

"I wasn't planning on it. That's the worst thing to say to someone, I would know."

Jordan smirks and squints her eyes, like she's studying me. She doesn't say anything.

"Is the throw up, like, always really bad?" I blurt out. 

She laughs again. "It depends. But yeah, it usually sucks."

I run my hands through my hair and sigh. I crouch down on the cement roof and hug my knees to my chest. I rest my chin on my knees and take a deep breath.

"Was it your mom's first session?" Jordan asks.

"Yeah."

"I thought so. Why aren't you with her?"

"She threw up and didn't want me in the room to see her. I get sorta nervous, like, all the time," I tell her, feeling my cheeks blush.

"Ahh, I see. So you ran up the stairs and found the roof?"

I nod.

"Are you nervous right now?"

I look down at my hands, which are only somewhat shaky. I can feel my heart racing a little too. I didn't even notice it until now.

I shrug. "Yeah. It's normal."

"You look like you're about to cry, but okay. If you say so. You can cry if you want."

I laugh. "No, it's okay. I'm fine."

"Go over to the railing."

"What?"

"Just go over to the railing."

I follow her directions and stand up. I walk over to the railing slowly.

"Open your arms wide, like you're on the Titanic."

I laugh and do as I'm told.

"Now shut your eyes. Feel the wind against you. Imagine you're on a mountain or at the beach, I don't know, something that's relaxing and solitary for you."

"Okay."

"Now, scream as loud as you can."

I put my arms down and turn around so I'm facing Jordan. "No way, there's people down there." 

"And?"

"And they'll hear me."

"So?"

"And I'm not a screamer?" I say it more like a question.

"Everyone can scream."

"No, you don't understand. I-"

"Luke, just scream." She laughs and rolls her eyes.

For some reason, I start turning back around. I put my arms out and do what Jordan said.

And I scream. For a really long time, until I'm all out of breath. I stand in silence. I grasp onto the railing and take a deep breath. I can't believe I just did that.

I hear Jordan walk beside me. "Feels good, doesn't it?"

I drop my head and start laughing. "Yeah, kinda."

"I ran up here when I was diagnosed. I screamed, just like you did. This is my place now. It's where I come to."

"And you've never been caught?"

"I'm always caught. All the nurses know. There's a nurse at the bottom of the stairs. She'll come to get me soon. But when you have cancer, you can kinda break some rules."

As if on cue, the door starts to open and a nurse pokes her head out.

"Jordan, time to come back," the nurse says.

"Maybe I'll see you around," Jordan says, grabbing her book.

"Yeah. Oh, and thanks."

She smiles. "No problem."

The nurse smiles and holds the door open for Jordan. She turns to me, too.

"I can't have you stay up here, sorry," she says.

"Oh, okay." I take one last look around and head back inside. I follow Jordan down the stairs until we head our separate ways down the hall.

I walk slowly back to my mom's room, hoping the door is open again and everything is okay. I was only gone for about ten minutes. 

My mom is still in bed, but she's resting now. She looks up when she hears me walk in.

"Everything okay?" I ask her quietly, sitting down in the chair beside her bed.

She nods. "I'm alright," she whispers. She seems to wince a little. "Are you okay?"

"Mom, don't worry about me. I can handle this. This is about you."

My mom is probably having the worst day of her life, and she's worried about me. I don't think she'll ever stop worrying about me.

"I love you, Luke," she whispers.

"I love you, too."

She closes her eyes slowly, like they're too heavy to keep open. I listen to her heart monitor beep at a continuous pace. I watch the clock tick every second. 

Each second seems longer, every minute drags on. It's going to be forever until this is over with.

I have an email list now! You can go to my website ashleyroyer.com and sign up! You'll get updates on RTF and other things, as well as be entered into a contest to videochat me. :)

I'll be announcing giveaways and fun stuff on my twitters, RTFbook and singsongash, at some point too :)

LOVE YOU LOTS!

-ashley