Another day with no response. Caleb is still asleep, the pack is still on the verge of falling apart and I am barely managing to keep everything in its place. It is hard being responsible for 300 people. Their safety, their food, their homes. It's frustrating. If only I could just make it all right. Turn back time and stop me from hurting the love of my life.

Everything would be fine if I had just controlled myself and my anger. And to think I haven't even thought about it. The reason I was so angry. It was Darien. It was all him. Yes I was angry at Caleb for not telling me he was still alive but it all starts with Darien himself. It's him that ruined my life as a human, and the one who has now made me ruin my life as a werewolf. He's the root of all my problems.

I can feel my blood boil inside my veins as I walk back at that basement. I need to put an end to all of this. I need to eradicate all of my problems. I need to kill him. I need to let myself find peace for once! And I can start by taking him out of my way.

I walk down the stairs and rip the door open. Darien is sitting at the corner of the room and seems to be scared to death until he sees it's me. He's not afraid of me, but he was afraid of Caleb.

And then it hits me. Caleb has been keeping him alive all this time, torturing him, getting revenge for what he did to me and my family. He was defending me and returning Darien some of the pain he caused me. And all I did was hurt him for it.

I felt my head spinning once more. Darien can't stay alive anymore. He is a disease. He is in pain.

I approach him and squat down to his height. His hands are tied and his mouth gagged. I gently pull the gag out of his mouth. He is not afraid of me. I don't need him to be. Knowing that Caleb made him suffer is enough revenge for me. Now all I need is for him to die.

My claws surface through my skin and Darien's eyes widen in fear. I stroke his hair out of his face.

"It's okay. I know he tortured you. That wasn't pleasant right?" I whisper looking straight into his eyes.

"What do you want? WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" he screams terrified.

"Don't be scared. I'm not here to cause more pain. I'm here to relieve you from it"

"What do you mean? Get the fuck away from me! I should have killed you too, you psycho bitch!" he screams and my claws dig into his abdomen. He's bleeding on my hand. Warm, thick blood stains his shirt and the floor around him.

"You caused me enough pain to last me a lifetime. You made me hurt the only person that ever loved me. You made me hurt my mate. Yet I'm giving you a quiet, painless death. You suffered, I'm sure about that. Now you must die. This is my goodbye to you, Darien. Get out of my life, get out of my head" I whisper and twist my claws inside his body, finishing the job quickly and quietly.

I yank my hand out of him and release his dead body, letting him fall with an echo. He is gone. I stand up and take a deep breath. It is done. All that's left now is to correct my mistakes.

"So it was you!?" a voice whispers from behind and I turn my head to meet the one who spoke.

It's a pack member, I remember him being on the side that supported me. I guess he is no longer.

"You hurt your mate? Our Alpha? And you lied to us about punishing the one who did it?!"

"No, I didn't," I say slowly walking up to him. "I'm going to punish myself, as I promised," I say and walk past him.

He follows me quietly but I feel his questioning look pierce my back.

"What is your name?" I ask turning to face him once we're out of the cabin again, the scents of the forest around us calming me.

"Matt, Luna" he answers bowing his head.

"Matt, you bow before me even after finding out what I did?" I say surprised.

"You are my Luna, no matter what. You can be cruel and unjust, or loving and fair, I will always bow my head and obey, even if I don't like it" he answers.

"But why? You should fight for your beliefs. You should fight for a good leader"

"As far as I am concerned, we already have one. But answer me one question, if you may, Luna. How are you going to punish yourself?"

"By causing me the amount of pain I caused to my mate"

~~~

"Kyle I need you to do this. You are the Beta. You are the most powerful after Caleb and me. I need you to whip me!" I say handing him the whip. I found it at the cabin where Caleb kept Darien. Black thick and thin leather stripes with sharp knives at their ends. Even lethal for a human. I had them dip the ends in wolfsbane, making it even more painful for werewolves too.

"Fine. I'm so dead when Caleb finds out..." he says and grabs the whip from my hand. "This is not going to wake him up, you know that right?" he continues and I nod.

"I'm not doing it for him only. I'm doing this for the pack, I promised them punishment. I'm doing this for me, I need to know I paid back, even a small amount, of the pain I caused to Caleb. It's either that or I lose my mind from all the guilt" I explain and he lowers his head. He gives me one last sad look and then he tightens his grip on the whip.

"Nightshade Pack! As she promised, Luna will now punish the one that hurt your Alpha, her mate" he says loudly and I proceed to kneel in front of him, facing the crowd. They all are dumbfounded when the first lash comes down to tear the skin of my back apart. The knives dig into my flesh and cut through it as if it was jelly. I let out a wince but clench my teeth and nod for him to keep going.

Another lash hits me, spreading the already existing wounds whilst creating new ones, and warm blood runs from my shoulders down to my palms. Pain fills my whole body but I embrace it. I deserve it. 

I prepare myself for the next hit, but it never comes. I turn around to scold Kyle for hesitating but the Beta is on his knees, the whip snatched out of his hand and his head held as down as possible. Above him stands his Alpha, holding the whip and fuming in anger. He growls to his Beta and he cowers down even more. 

"What the fuck are you doing?!" he shouts in his Alpha voice and I can feel the whole pack shrinking away from his sight. 

"I'm punishing myself for hurting my mate" I stand up, holding back my wince and facing him. If he's still angry at me for hurting him then me punishing myself should probably calm him down.

But calm is not the way to describe him right now. If anything, he looks even more irritated. His eyes are so full of anger that even I look away, scared to be in his way.

"I'll deal with you later," he says to his Beta who hurries to get out of his way. "And you" he points to me "I'll deal with you in a second" he whispers almost threatening. "Nightshade Pack! The show is over! I am awake and back on Alpha duty! Now everybody back on their jobs" he shouts and the crowd scatters at once.  

Caleb walks towards me and lifts me on his shoulder. He takes me to our house and puts me on the bed, my back facing up.

"Why the hell would you do this to yourself, princess? I thought you were over dealing with anxiety by self-harm. And you made Kyle do it and the pack watch!" he yells searching around the bathroom for the first-aid kit. Like I need it... It will all be healed in a matter of minutes.

"That was not about dealing with my anxiety! I kept my promise about that!" I start to sit up but he pushes me down and starts bandaging my wounds.

"Then what? Because you know... you know I would never want to see you punished like that!" he says sounding not angry but sad. He cleans my wounds and then wraps my back in bandages from shoulder to shoulder and from my neck to my lower body.

This is unnecessary. I will heal!

"You wouldn't, but the pack would! They wanted to see the one that hurt their Alpha getting punished! So I gave it to them! What was I supposed to do? Lie? Say I didn't know who did it and send them off looking for someone innocent to punish? Maybe they would have found some pour rogue wolf to torture when the guilty one would be their own Luna. No. I could never allow that! So be as angry as you want. Right now I'm just happy that you woke up"

"I am so angry, but I am also proud of you. You are a worthy Luna, no matter what" he says.

It feels so good knowing that for once, I made him proud. But that feeling lasts for only a second before a terrifying thought crosses my mind.

"Thank you... But if after what I did you want to... break up... with me... I.. I will understand. I felt what you felt. And the amount of pain I caused you was unbearable. Believe me, it was as painful for me, knowing what I did and having to live with my guilt. So if you want me to leave, just say it and I'll be out of here right away" my voice breaks at the end. He looks at me shocked.

"You are really stupid sometimes..." he says and I turn around to look at him. He has that sad smile on his face. He doesn't want me to leave. Of course, he doesn't. He loves me. And I love him. And it's been too long since I last told him.

"I love you, and I don't know if you could hear me when you were asleep, but I am so sorry that I hurt you. I feel terrible, I feel like I betrayed myself, like I did the one thing I never wanted to do" I say, finally letting the tears fall free. I don't have to keep the strong facade on with him. He knows I want to let it out. So he pulls me towards him and traps me in his arms. He hugs me so tight that it's almost difficult to breathe.

"I love you, too, cupcake. And I have forgiven you. Jax has too. We love you with everything we have. Now I need you to forgive yourself" he says burying his head in the crook of my neck and inhaling deeply. 

I just stay there, in his arms, thinking how much I love him, and how I want to make him happy. From today, I will be happy and I will make him happy. I will live for him. I will be for him anything he needs. Anything he wants.