Viggo barely slept that night. He didn't return to the bedroom, but stayed in the office while his body screamed to go to Audun. To let him chase away everything bad which swarmed in Viggo.

The little sleep Viggo got was disturbed by a nightmare. In the dream, he watched himself as he beat his own father to death. As he grabbed whatever his hands could reach to use as a weapon against his father, and how his father had been far too drunk to defend himself.

He woke up in cold sweat, breathing heavily, and as he moved his hand to be before him, he expected to see blood on them. When he had ensured there was none, he sat up with his head in his hands and stared at the floor for a long time.

His mind was reeling with the dream. The images of it playing on repeat, and no matter what Viggo tried to do to stop them, they continued.

Twenty years had he spent doing his best to forget about it all, but there it was, refusing to leave him alone. But as he sat there, he realised better why it wouldn't. Realised it had less to do with seeing his mother in Saga and more about himself and his father.

Though he fought against that realisation as it meant he had started to become something he had worked against his whole life.

When the sun climbed up the sky, Viggo stood. He avoided looking at the broken furniture in the room as he left it and made his way to the stables.

"Hi, girl," he whispered as he reached Luna. He placed a hand on her neck while resting his forehead against hers. "Up for a short ride?"

The horse nudged him in response.

He got her ready, and then rode out of the city without any clear thoughts of a goal in mind, only knowing he needed to escape everything for a bit. They got deep into the forest before he slowed Luna down to a trot.

"I think I might have been an idiot," he admitted to his horse as she weaved between the trees. "At least everyone is upset with me."

The horse neighed, soft and low.

"It is just hard," he continued. "I want her safe. I want all of them safe. But I probably took my need to keep her safe too far."

Luna neighed again, this time louder.

"Yeah, you also think I did?" Viggo sighed. "Do you think they'll forgive me?"

Another neigh.

"Well, only one way to know for sure."

Viggo turned Luna around and headed back. For each step she took closer to the castle, Viggo grew tenser. He had been very tense for a long time, but this one was different. It made him feel more like turning Luna again and continuing to avoid the castle, to escape, instead of the tension which had caused him to wreck his office.

But he soldiered on. Pushed through the tension, even when it made him want to puke.

When he returned, he inquired from a maid about where Saga was, and wasn't surprised when the answer was the library. Those last few steps felt to Viggo as if he was approaching his own grave. That he in the library would find the one thing he couldn't defeat but which would cause his death.

But right before he reached the opening, a soft sound he hadn't heard for weeks reached his ears. It made him halt before approaching even slower, making sure he didn't make a sound.

Peering in, he got confirmation that he hadn't misheard, and that it was the sound he had thought.

On one chair, a maid sat and looked half-asleep. A bit further in, Saga sat, and she laughed, while Kai, who sat next to her, rubbed the back of his neck.

"What is wrong this time?" Kai asked her.

"Can't is spelled with an a, not a u," Saga said and pointed at a parchment she held. "Spelling it with a u makes it into another word."

"Oh," Kai said and with a quill in hand, made notes on the parchment. "What word does it become when it's a u instead?"

Even from a distance, Viggo saw Saga's cheeks reddening.

"That doesn't matter. What is important is that can't is spelled with an a," she deflected the question.

"Hm, okay," Kai said and looked like he wanted to press further, but decided against it.

Viggo watched the pair as Saga continued to point out errors in what Kai had written while Kai made notes of her corrections. The two of them looked rather sweet in each other's company, in Viggo's eyes. Innocent and at ease. Kai listened diligently to what Saga said and asked for clarifications if there was something he didn't understand. Meanwhile, Saga looked brighter than Viggo could remember seeing her. Happier, more content. The way he wished he could always witness her.

And he had seen her more like that before. Before he had destroyed it all by imposing the maids' constant watch on her. Before he had robbed her of her freedom.

"Will you go to the capital?" Saga asked Kai after a few minutes of going through his mistakes.

"I don't know yet. The commander has made no decisions about who will go yet."

"Only about who won't." Saga's voice dripped with bitterness.

"It might be for the best. You will be safer here."

She only answered by giving him a glare.

"I'm sorry," Kai took back his words. He cast a glance at the now slumbering maid before moving his hand so it rested on top of Saga's. "It's just me being worried about you. Scared you'll get hurt again."

"It wasn't your fault." Saga's voice had softened.

"It still feels like it was."

Viggo moved away from the library, back to his office, not wanting to intrude on the private scene. The intimate scene. He had been blind, it seemed, about more things than one. And then he remembered how he had shouted at Kai the night he had returned to Sinkbek. How he had blamed Kai for Saga getting injured.

He would need to find a way to make it up to the squire as well, for he knew how awful he would feel if someone blamed Audun getting injured on him.

~~~~~

Viggo spent the rest of the day confined in his office. Having failed at finding her alone, he decided to wait with talking to her until after dinner. So after he had eaten, he made another walk through the castle, which felt as if he was heading toward his own execution.

As he reached the closed bedroom door, he reached for the doorknob, but stopped the action. Withdrew his hand. Made a fist instead and knocked.

The breath he took before she answered felt like pure poison, while her soft voice granting him permission to enter from the other side felt like medicine.

"Viggo? Why did you knock?" she questioned as he entered and stood from the chair by the window.

Instead of giving the shameful answer that he wasn't sure she would welcome his company, he turned to Erna, who was there to watch over Saga.

"Can you wait outside for a bit? I have some orders, but I wish to talk with Saga in private first," he told the woman, who nodded and left without a word.

The air felt charged when they were left alone. As if thunder and lightning would storm any second.

Saga remained where she stood, watching him with cold and hard eyes. It made Viggo bend his head and fix his eyes on a spot on the floor where the stone was slightly cracked.

He searched for the right words to say, for how to begin his apology. But he had never been good at apologising, and he couldn't imagine an apology being enough for her. So instead, he went straight to the things he had decided upon.

"I cannot bring you if we have to go somewhere to fight. It simply won't be practical," he began and felt the thunder roaring closer. "But you may come to the capital."

The thunder stopped its progression; the threatening lightning eased from the room.

"But I will want someone, a knight, with you at all times while in the capital. There will be a lot of people around, and I would feel much calmer if someone was always by your side. Which knight it is, you may decide for yourself."

"Can it be Kai?" her voice broke through and made the thunder begin its retreat.

"It can," Viggo answered and raised his head a bit, enough to see her eyes, which had softened. Not to be nearly as soft as they had been while she had conversed with Kai in the library, but enough for her to not look angry anymore.

"And you've spent a lot of time indoors recently," Viggo went on to the other thing he had decided, something to give her back some freedom already now. "If you want tomorrow, I'm certain Magni wants to stretch his legs. But again, I would feel much calmer if a knight is with you."

"Is it okay if it is Astrid?" Saga's eyes hardened a bit, scrutinising him, making his head bend a bit again.

"Yes, that is fine. I'll inform her," Viggo agreed, then turned to leave, having said all he had come there to say.

"Where are you going? It's nearing bedtime already," Saga stopped him from leaving.

With his back still to her, he answered, "I think I'll sleep elsewhere tonight. Let you have this room all to yourself." Then he left.

Erna stood outside, her hands bundling up the fabric of her apron.

"Tend to her as usual, but you needn't watch over her constantly anymore," Viggo told the woman and watched as her eyes first widened before a thin smile formed.

"Will do, milord," she nodded.

He didn't linger, but headed straight to the knights' lodging, straight to Audun's room. This time he didn't knock before entering, for everything pulsed inside of him. Cold dread, numbing anxiety, fear, anger at himself. He felt as though he would break into a million pieces at any moment and knew he needed to have Audun's arms around him when it happened.

"Viggo!" Audun exclaimed, standing by his bed only wearing trousers.

Viggo moved forward without halting. He wrapped his arms around Audun and leaned his head to his shoulder.

"I've told her she can come, so you will come as well, right?" he pleaded, he whined, like a child begging its mother.

Audun's arms went around him, one around the waist, the other up to his neck. The hold was more tender than anything Viggo could remember.

"Yes, I'll come," Audun whispered.

Viggo's hold intensified as his body trembled. The tears came, and he broke into a million pieces. The realisation which had edged closer in his mind all day could not be held at bay any longer.

"I became like him, didn't I?" Viggo cried. "I started to act like my father."

Audun sighed and stroked Viggo's back. "But you realised, and that means you're nothing like him."

Viggo shook his head. Throughout his life he had fought and killed to survive, done what was necessary, even things which would make others recoil. But he had never felt like recoiling from himself as he did in that moment, never felt as though he was the barbarian, the horrible monster others painted him to be before.

Audun kept holding him, and Viggo kept crying, until the point when exhaustion took over and Audun led him to sleep next to him.

"She hates me," Viggo mumbled.

"I don't think she does," Audun refuted. "She is disappointed, but as long as you do better, you can regain her trust."

Viggo shook his head. He did not believe it possible; he did not believe he deserved it. But he would still do what he could to make everything right again.