{Chapter 19}

What have you done, you insensitive yahoo?

Adam rubbed his face and groaned. How could he have kissed her? Knowing that she was still grieving for Ben? He grabbed the pommel of his saddle and swung up onto the back of his horse.

He had to apologize again after she calmed down a bit. She probably wouldn’t even want to see him. He deserved that. Of all the stupid things to do! He had been completely oblivious to her feelings and her grief. Even now he could hardly regret kissing her because of the pleasure if gave him. He felt like the most selfish man alive. He arrived back at camp and didn’t see Katie anywhere. His search was interrupted by the harsh voice of Mark Curtis.

“Sterling! Where have you been? I need you to ride out with McBride and the others to watch for strays” Mark’s face held it’s usual expression of disdain as he spoke.

“I’ll ride out now” Adam grumbled, turning back to his horse.

“You weren’t fraternizing, were you? I remember specifically telling you boys to stay away from the cook” Mark warned.

Adam didn’t reply but swung back up onto Blondie.

Mark caught the horse’s bridle before Adam had a chance to escape. “I’m warning you, Sterling.”

“I know” Adam jerked his horse free. “You have nothing to worry about, Boss Man.”

He turned and rode out toward the herd. He had told Mark the truth, as Katie would more than likely never speak to him again.

**********

“What have I done?” Katie blubbered to herself quietly under the chuck wagon. “I’ve betrayed Ben in the worst of ways.”

She had fallen in love with another. Or rather rekindled an old flame with a man she used to loath with a passion. Was it possible to do so much damage to herself in such a short amount of time? Her mind was spinning in several different directions, causing a splitting headache that bawling like a calf didn’t help.

“Whoa, Katie. What happened to you?” Toni squatted down to where she could see under the chuck wagon.

“I’m the devils’ spa-awn!” Katie wailed.

“How’s that?”

“I let him kiss me.”

“Adam?”
Katie nodded.

Toni let out the only feminine sound she ever mustered: a giggle. When Toni giggled, you knew something good had happened. Only nothing good had happened this time.

“I knew it!” Toni pumped her fist.

“This is a bad thing!” Katie exclaimed, throwing a twig at her.

Toni composed herself. “Sorry. How is it a bad thing?”

“Because of Ben. I’ve betrayed him in the worst possible way.”

Toni sighed. “You haven’t betrayed him, Katie. You and I both know that he would be happy for you. You’re crying for yourself, that’s what. You’re scared of loving again.”

“I ain’t neither” Katie protested, wiping tears from her eyes.

“Yes, ya are. Now I suggest you get over this before you drive yourself and Adam crazy” Toni stated as-a-matter-of-factly.

Katie stilled. He probably felt awful. No telling what he was thinking after she up and ran off like that. Probably all the wrong things.

“Where is he?” Katie asked Toni.

“He’s out with a few of the others watching for strays. Their shift ends in two hours. I suggest you pull yourself together before then” Toni stood and walked away, leaving only the gentle sound of her spurs jingling as she walked away.

Katie huffed. She was a right royal mess. Her whole life was a mess. Her heart, mind, and hair too.

“Pull yourself together, Katie” she told herself. “Come on now.”

A quick wash of her face and the run of a brush through her hair was all Katie needed to feel better, along with a genuine heart-to-mind talk with herself. She did some soul searching and praying while she cleaned herself up.

God, is it really Your will that Adam and I be together? Do You mean for me to let Ben go? I loved him with all my heart, and then he was ripped away from me. It’s taken so long to heal back up. Now the scars are getting irritated again. What if Adam only breaks my heart again? I don’t want to go through all that pain a second time. I wouldn’t live.

She knew that God never meant for her to put her life on hold while she grieved over Ben. That was no life at all. That was a prison. A prison that she had locked herself up in.

“I have to be free” she whispered to herself in the little hand mirror she held.

She heard some men ride away to relieve the shift of men that Adam was with out with the herd. Katie felt her heart plummet.

This is it. You’ve got to pull yourself together and pour your heart out to Adam. If it breaks, it breaks. If it heals, it heals. Either way I’ll know that I have been true to myself.

Adam’s horse came riding up within the next few minutes. Katie’s heartbeat quickened with each step she took toward him, still in her riding skirt and blouse. She probably looked a sight in the wrinkly clothes, but she was already too close to him to turn around. She walked right up to the picket line where Adam was tying his horse.

“Adam” she blurted.

Adam whirled around, pure shock on his face. “Kate, you can’t talk to me. Mark’ll see and then we’ll both be skinned.”

“I don’t care. I need to talk to you.”

Adam sighed. “Very well. Go ahead. Tell me what a scoundrel I am.”

Katie took a step toward him. “No. I was going to tell you what a scoundrel I was.”

Adam arched an eyebrow and looked at her.

“All these years I’ve been hiding myself away in other people’s relationship, trying to avoid the crisis in my own. I walked to Ben’s grave every day and carried on as if he were still here. I wouldn’t let him go. I couldn’t. I felt that my heart would snap in two if I did. During that time I haven’t let anyone in. I snapped at Toni when she confronted me about it, and you know that no one snaps at Toni and gets away with it.”

Adam nodded.

Katie resumed. “I’ve been robbing myself of finding love again. The thing is, I don’t want to love again. I’m not sure if I need to because…”

“Katie, can I say something?” Adam interrupted.

Katie nodded.

“I’m not too sure I should be saying this, or even thinking this, but it is what it is. I can’t help myself from falling in love with you all over again. I know that you miss Ben, and I know that you still grieve, but you have to hear me out. If I keep this bottled up I’ll explode. Thing is, I don’t want another day to go by that I don’t see you. I don’t ever want to go back to those days of waking up knowing that you were miles away from me. I can’t live like that again.”

“Adam, I…”

Adam put a finger over her lips. “Don’t. Don’t say it.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say” Katie said around his finger.

“I don’t have to. I know what you were going to say.”

Katie huffed. “Have it your way.”

She grabbed a fistful of his shirt collar and brought his face close to hers.
“Sterling, where are you?” A voice yelled.

Adam stiffened. “He’ll see us. I’ve gotta go.”

He pressed a quick kiss on her forehead and ran toward the chuck wagon, disappearing behind one side and appearing on the other, acting as though he was just entering camp.

“Mark, you wanted me?” he asked.

Mark made his way toward Adam, and Kate smiled.

Adam snuck a glance over Mark’s shoulder at her and smiled back briefly before Mark could notice.

**********

Toni and Erik walked hand in hand through the tall grass that surrounded them, enveloped in the Kansas scenery.

“It’s pretty up here, ain’t it?” Toni smiled.

“Sure is. I still miss good ole’ Texas, though” Erik said, swinging their entwined hands between them.

“Me too. I can’t believe it’s only been a few weeks. Seems like a year or better” Toni sighed. “I miss little Sandy more and more.”

“I do, too. I’m sure she’s fine” Erik reassured her. “Aubrey’s responsible enough.”

“It’s not Aubrey taking care of Sandy that I’m worried about. It’s the orneriness that Sandy inherited from you that I’m afraid is going to make them all miserable” Toni admitted.

“My orneriness? My orneriness?” Erik brought her around to stand in front of him. “I do believe that she got that from you, my dear.”

“I’ll admit that I am stubborn when I need to be” Toni grinned.

“She’s gonna be just like you, ya know. I pity the next generation” Erik teased.

Toni laughed and socked him on the shoulder. “If she turns out with more than just a little of you in her, she’ll be the one we need to be worried about.”

Erik put his free hand over his heart in mock horror. “I’m hurt, Toni.”

“You’ll get over it” Toni continued walking.

Erik poked her in the side. She jumped.

“Stop it!”

Erik poked her again. He knew that she was not responsible for what happened when he poked her.

She walked faster to get out of his reach, but he caught up with her. They chased each other for half a mile or more when Toni finally tuckered out and stopped. Erik wrapped his arms around her waist and tackled her down on top of him, breaking the fall. Toni laughed and rolled off of him, breathless. They lay there quietly for a few moments, catching their breath. Erik propped up on his elbow and leaned over her.

“Promise me that you’ll never stop giggling, love” he smiled down at her.

Toni stared up at him. She didn’t laugh very often. “Why?”

“Because it’s the most beautiful sound on earth” Erik said softly.

Toni sighed contentedly. “I promise.”

Erik grinned down at her. “Good.”

Toni looked into his dark green eyes. “You’re my favorite husband.”

Erik smiled. “I know.”

He smoothed a strand of hair from her forehead and kissed her where it had been. He then kissed her nose, each of her cheeks, and finally her waiting lips. Toni entwined her fingers in his and was content to just lay there out in the middle of Kansas until the end of time.

Hi... readers:) As you may know, I totally freaked out the other day! *whew* I was a total mess that day, just ask my friend who got to listen to my troubles. Anyway, I've changed "Dodge City" to "Grayson City" because - get this - someone forgot to even check if Dodge existed in 1860!!! So I made up a town and ran the railroad through it:) Thank you @prairiegirl90

I'll take a reader up on their suggestion and have some fun with the weather in this next chapter :) Also, arriving in Grayson City! We're about in the middle of the book, so each and every one of you deserve a medal for sticking with me through this madness! Love you all so much!!