JANUARY 13, 1997

Every day gets just a little darker than the day before. It is as if a dark cloud is looming, hanging over my head, and if the rain were to come then that would be the end of everything. Of course this might just all be in my head. There may be no darkness at all, but I can't tell any difference. The timer is approaching zero. Everything is about to be reset.

I am nearing a time where the circle is about to complete a revolution. There is nothing I can do to derail this train I am on. I have never been able to change anything. This is my life as sad and pathetic as it is. I don't even know if anything is real anymore. It is all that mixed up.

How can my father be here in 1997 and look just as he does in 2016? He has travelled in time like all three of his children have? Possibly at will too? I still can't help but worry for my mother? Is her unborn child safe? He has got to be safe, right? Maybe there really was some kind of hoax, some kind of trick played on me, a trick of the mind, my mind. Maybe I am the experiment. There probably is a reason as to why I never got around to leaving breadcrumbs for myself to discover.

This darkness, the dark which is coming, maybe this is what takes me away, maybe it takes my life on the very day where it begins all over again. I don't know. So anyway, what have I got on the cards ahead of me? Time is running out and quickly at that too.

My attorney is coming to see me tomorrow. Why? Well, she believes she can overturn my conviction. We are allowed an appeal after all, but what's the point? I am not gonna live long enough to see an outcome from any appeal. I may as well just go with it; sure what else am I gonna do with the time I have left?

I'm really feeling down right now, I feel helpless though there is no fear within me. I am not afraid of what is to happen, I just feel sad, I fee confined, restricted. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do, everything is more or less wrapped up and ready to start again. I am in a hopeless place mentally and physically.

Right now, it is almost like I am on a holiday, a doomed holiday, a holiday where I can do no more than remain in the hotel room to which I have been accustomed. Thing is that this place I am in is no hotel. It is no holiday camp. If it were a holiday camp, then it is an evil one at that. There may be organized events but there definitely are no fun and games.

I am lost in my own personal world of darkness. Wanna join me? You, all of you who are reading this, in a strange way I feel your presence, I feel you have been with me. I thank you for giving me the strength to continue. I thank you for giving me the ability to see this through. Without you I would not exist at all.

Saying that then, is it in your mind where I exist? Maybe there is no reality at all. I am all that is imaginary with the exception I feel it and have felt it all. It has been all too real for me, every bit of it. At least I know I will not be forgotten, maybe I have already been forgotten. I hope not.

Anyway, there is a little over two weeks to go so I am going to make the most of those days to come. So, I am not done quite yet. There is more to come. I will fill the darkness with as much light as I can. Want to help me? Sure, you already have helped me. Remember at the end of the last entry I had an idea of sorts?

Well, what if I show this diary to my attorney? If I make sure it is left for her in the event I die? She will do something about it; ensure that the circle is broken? She will end the cycle. Or maybe not, it is a silly plan really. It won't work. Sure, remember when I meet her in 2016? She looked as if she had seen a ghost or something? Nah this plan, it ain't gonna work.

JANUARY 18, 1997

He did something to me. I just know it. It must have been him. Or maybe it was the guard. That guard that comes to me, I have to wonder as to why has he always been so friendly to me? To get close, that is why, close enough to do me harm, close enough to make me ill, or close enough to observe me and report his findings.

No, no it isn't the guard, it wasn't him. He has nothing to gain, does he? Or maybe he does? Aren't guards supposed to be evil or hard-asses or something? This particular fellow has always been friendly to me. He has never harmed me, not in the slightest.

Come to think of it though, I don't even know his name. I know nothing about him. I couldn't tell you if he hails from Castletown of if he just comes here to work. I don't know if he has family, siblings, children, I don't know if he is married. How many guards discuss their personal lives with prisoners anyway? None I would imagine.

I have been feeling unwell these past few days; actually, I have probably been unwell for a fair bit longer than that, I have been ill, so much so that I have been confined to my cell for the past two days. It is keeping me from my working duties. A doctor had been sent for, and he came to me today. Though when he came, I could see two doctors, one being a medical doctor and the other being that psychologist guy, you know who I am talking about, right?

The psychologist kept asking me questions. The first question he asked me was 'what do I make of all this?' All this what? I couldn't answer as for when I tried the medical doctor began examining my throat. I couldn't get a word out edgeways. He walked around a lot, that psych guy and asking those questions of his, asking how I interpret this or that. Every time I tied to reply the medical doctor distracted me.

It got me to thinking that he wasn't there at all, the psychologist doctor, though I didn't dare say that out loud. I don't know, maybe I am crazy. How could he not be there? I have met him physically a couple of times, he has been in my dreams, now I see him when he is not here at all. I'm hallucinating, that must be it, I am sick after all, very sick so it would seem. I did kinda have the thought before that this fellow is also working with my father, but I don't know, there is not much I know for sure.

The darkness, the constant dreaming, the sweating, cold sweats, I am on my way out and I know it. I get the shakes every once in a while, now. I am not being poisoned, so the medical doctor tells me. It ain't the guard then. He isn't doing bad things to me. It must be my father, he and this psych guy. How'd the older version of my father really get here?

I don't know, he must be responsible for me being here. Imagine killing your eldest son, extinguishing him, taking me out of existence. What does he stand to gain from all of this? If only I could tell my mother of what he is doing to me. Would she believe me? I don't even understand any of this and I am living through it.

What of my brother and sister? Are they to be taken out too? Maybe I could get one of them to warn me? That sounds crazy right? If they both live on from here in, then maybe one of them could warn me in 2016 of what is to come? But what good can come of that? Sure, before my trip back through time I already knew of some of what was to come and it is actually down to my brother as to why this is so.

I don't have the energy right now to give a damn to be honest. I only want to sleep. I'll have plenty of time to do that when February first comes. I have only days left to live and this is how I am to spend them. Not what I was hoping for but what was I really expecting?

It is so dark, too dark to be able to see, too dark to see at all.