MARCH 13, 2016

It's true, all of it, apparently. Looks like my brother was not trying to stitch me up at all, I went to the town library and saw what it is that he had told me of. There are digital copies and physical copies of old town newspapers, and I have seen both, seen it with my very own eyes. Unbelievable. Articles and photos of a guy who has the same name as me, a guy who has the same face as me, being within my hometown from late in the year before I was born. Like seriously, what the hell?

If all this is not true, then it really is one hell of a hoax. In there, in that library, while I was there, more faces were looking at me than what I am used to. What are they thinking? What do they know? What do they think they know? Due they believe I am witnessing my own destiny? I take any lack of action on their part being due to some element of disbelief.

It is as if my own personal discovery of all this is being put on show for them all. Like I mentioned yesterday and after all, we are talking about some kind time travel here. Surely such a thing is an impossibility. And, of course, all this is assuming if that person way back when, somehow really is me and not some sort of doppelganger.

I can't get my head around this. It is all madness, so very strange. The whole time I was at the library, I was half expecting someone to jump out of somewhere and say 'ha, ... got ya' but that didn't happen. How I wish that it had. There has to be some logical answer to all this, surely there must.

Ever have a sinking feeling? That your whole world is falling down around you, within you? That you are almost collapsing in upon yourself? These are just the beginnings of the feelings I have been having. It is like I am watching a movie from some other place within myself, a movie about me, staring me but it must be happening to someone else. But it is not. It is happening to me.

Being home now, my dread is really only beginning to sink in at this very moment. Whether I believe in it or not, whether I want to believe in it or not, I am going to travel back in time and kill a man. Why me? Why can't this happen to someone else? No, there just something here that just cannot be.

How am I going to get out of all this? How can I prevent any of this from happening? I can't, can I? But I must. I have the knowledge of what is to come, or at least I can acquire the knowledge of at least some of what is to come so surely, I can alter it. There is such a thing as free will, right? Just because news reports say I have done something in another time doesn't mean it will actually happen, then again maybe it means just that as in a way it has already happened. What has happened surely will happen again.

Yeah, I haven't got the exact details yet of how this murder is to occur, and I have no details on the victim. I can simply acquire and avoid, though I bet it won't be so simple.

These people who look at me, many of them are in the late thirties and in their forties, so I am sure they were around in some way or another when this murder took place. They probably know of what happened; they probably know I have killed someone. If they do then as I have said, it is probably their own disbelief that has prevented any action from taking place.

As is, of course, I am currently too young to have committed an act so long ago, some sort of slip in time must be what happens, to put me there, though again, that guy, the one who dies, why him? Time will tell, I guess.

For anyone who read the papers at the time of print, maybe even seen news reports on television, knows that a nineteen-year-old has committed a murder in Castletown, so to them how could said nineteen-year-old still be in Castletown over nineteen years later and still be just nineteen years old?

Alright, panic aside for a moment. My parents, surely, they know something. They have lived in Castletown many years. They grew up here, met one another here, settle down here and had a family here. They must know about that murder, and they must know that there is some connection between it and their eldest son, yet neither of them has ever said anything about it, well not to me at least.

OK, if they figured things out to some degree, if they believe that somehow their eldest son kills someone in the past then surely, they could have moved us all away, move us all away to some far away town in an effort to prevent it all from happening. Maybe they don't know about any of this or maybe they choose not to believe it. I don't understand any of this. It is all so darn confusing ... and frightening to say the least.

Why am I only hearing of all of this now? This is another strange thought. In all of my nineteen or so years, why has it taken until now for me to find out what is to come, or should I say of what has already passed? I know that my own circle of friends all are, or were, either new-borns or yet to be born when this murder I am to commit happened. So, I understand why none of them have ever said anything. Like me, they knew nothing or don't understand it. What about those who are in my life that do know or at least suspect something?

I have mentioned my parents already but what about teachers when I attended the local schools. They must have known or suspected something? The name at least, murder is not common at all in Castletown so a child who shares the name of one would be something quite recognizable. I know about or can imagine the disbelief of connection but at least something could have been said. My brother, my sixteen-year-old brother of all people is the one who brought the information my way.

Crazy ... that is exactly what all of this is.

Right, I have seen newspapers, if there are televised reports I wonder if I could find any of them on-line. Again, I don't know who will read this diary, if anyone will at all, it does serve a purpose. I will record my journey for as long as I can and maybe, just maybe I can get to the bottom of it all before anything serious can happen.

I am off to find what I can on-line. I will be back to update this further. Oh my, someone please tell me that none of this is real...