After months of empty emotions and unanswered questions, the loneliness becomes unbearable. I've thrown myself headlong into work, but it's once I am home that the emptiness savagely hits me. The loneliness has now heavily replaced the hurt. The hurt is still there, it just sits dormant beneath my skin; there and always unseen. I hide so much behind a brief and broad smile. It convinces people on a daily basis that I am okay, that I am seemingly coping with the loss of my one true love. I honestly feel like such a fraud at times. That stupid smile of mine that I've become so expert at flashing to so many people, actually hides a multitude of hurts. I don't want to wear my pain like some silly badge of honour. I just answer in all of the right places, smile in all of the right places, and it somehow convinces people that all is right with me. Only, I'm not alright. I've tried going out and getting absolutely legless. I've tried filling my nights with an endless amount of things to do—none of it works.

Faith almost babysat me in the first few weeks after I left Rex at the hospital, but she's young, she has her own life to live. So out of everyone, she is the one who I have to try extra hard to convince, that I really am okay. She's vivacious, sociable and super confident. I don't want my sadness to drag her down as well. As for Angela, we are back on a far more even and professional keel. We have even gone out for drinks and dinner after work, but we never discuss Rex. He is a topic completely off limits. It's hard enough knowing that her husband is in no doubt in constant contact with him, especially following the shooting, but I have to stick to the ground rules in order to move forward in my life. No matter how many times that I want to ask how Rex is doing, I don't. For I know that if I do, I'll eventually crawl my hopeful way back to him, and start the pattern of excruciating pain all over again.

So when I get an out of the blue text from my ex, Adam, inviting me for dinner...I promptly accept.

**

As soon as Adam picks me up, a warm familiarity rushes through me. I know we will have a good time together, with endless laughs and comfortable conversation. Being with Adam was always so easy, and at a time when my loneliness is at an all-time low, I know he will be just what I need.

"Did I tell you already that you're looking very desirable in that baby pink dress?" Adam smirks over the rim of his wine glass, before taking a slow sip of his darkly fragrant Merlot.

I smile, lifting my glass of Pinot Grigio from off the candlelit table. "You have...twice." My smiling eyes look back at him, appreciating his much-needed attention.

Pushing his flirting to one side, he leans forward with deep affection nestled within his soft grey eyes. "I like this, being here with you." His gaze on me is steady and so very admiring.

My heart speeds up with his sweet compliment, so flattered by his enjoyment of being with me. "Me too." I find myself agreeing. I am happy to agree. Adam is wonderful in every way. His dirty blond hair is neatly gelled and he's wearing an informal charcoal suit, with a rebelliously loud purple shirt beneath the tailored jacket. He's gorgeous to be with and gorgeous to look at.

"Remind me again why we split up?" His eyes are narrowed in jest, but his voice carries an edge of seriousness to it.

I lightly shrug, not quite sure what reason I had originally given him. "I can't remember now." It's a small lie, a lie that he seems to know all too well.

Adam shakes his head, laughing softly. "Let me see if I've got this right. You said it was because you were too career orientated and that you couldn't give me what I wanted...am I right?" He cocks his head to the side, handsomely smirking across the table at me.

Feeling a little embarrassed by him repeating my break-up reasons back to me, word for actual word, I lower my gaze with guilt. "I think that was pretty much it." I admit, blushing profusely as I take a large gulp of my wine.

Adams lips part, giving me firm and desirous eye contact. "I still want you, Angel." He reaches for my hand that rests on top of the table, holding it lovingly between his gentle hand. "Ever since we split up, we have always stayed in touch. I think that's because we both don't want to indefinitely let go of something good."

What he is saying, surprisingly feels good. I find myself being swept along within his charming words and carried along on a buoyant feeling of curiosity. Maybe Adam is right? Maybe the reason why I still kept him in my life, was because I wanted him there? I couldn't let him in my heart, because it was so very full of Rex. I guess my heart will always be full of him, but I can't keep closing it off to someone who could one day be able to finally evict Rex from it. It still hurts with him in my heart, and I just want the hurting to stop. Maybe Adam is the one who can stop it? I move closer towards him, my eyes glossed over with longing and yearning hope. "I've never thought of it that way." I admit with my fingers stroking his soft hand and tingling with such need.

Adam responds immediately, eager to erase any distance between us. His lips slowly and sensationally kiss me. Genteel yet utterly controlled. Tremors of excitement flood my body.

This is feeling something.

This is moving forward.

This is me, living.

No longer just existing within a swirling mess of misery.

This is wanting something that I finally can have.

A lazy, blissful smile erupts across my serene face. "Shall we get out of here?" I softly ask, excited sensations now running wildly through me.

Adam kisses me again, chaste but sweet. "I thought you'd never ask."

**

Like young and carefree lovers holding hands, we run up the small garden path to my cottage. Eager to get inside, but so much more eager to get out of our clothes. As soon as the rustic wooden door closes behind us, with clumsy and frantic hands, we claw at each other's clothing as we hungrily kiss.

This is being wanted.

This is how it feels when someone wants you so very badly.

It's liberating and so amazingly arousing. Now free of my dress, I'm being earnestly explored with a self assured mouth and a wickedly delicious tongue. Adam kisses and licks my stomach, as my fingers frolic within his coarse hair. In just my underwear and heels, I stand with my back against the front door, my thoughts stupidly remembering the night that I slid down against it in total despair over Rex.

"You're so beautiful, Angel. I want to taste and devour every sexy inch of you." Adam rumbles between my breasts, licking the soft avenue between them.

I close my eyes, enjoying the sensation of the lazy tip of his tongue as it lewdly skims across my sensitised skin. My hands cup both sides of his face, needing it so achingly close to mine. "Kiss me." I unashamedly beg, pushing my breasts out so they are ready to rub themselves against him once he is where I have asked him to be.

Adam is soon flush against me, doing just as I had asked—kissing me passionately hard. His hands ravish and venture all over my exposed skin as his mouth takes complete charge of our abandoned kiss. Our breaths are unified with excitement; sexily short and noisy. "Let's go upstairs." He heavily breathes against my neck.

"Don't stop...please!" This pleasure has me in its energised grip. I don't want to move, think or change anything...I just want to feel.

Adam seems to understand, he says nothing and doesn't stop what he is wonderfully doing. I didn't know how much I had missed a mans touch. A touch that felt so electrifyingly real and true. The more that Adam teases my aching flesh, the higher I feel myself go. I'm high on arousal. High on lust. As he pulls back the lacy cups of my black bra, I gasp with anticipation, at the dizzying anticipation of his lips and tongue that will soon be hotly wrapped around my needy nipples. Just as Adam is about to do just that, we are startlingly interrupted by loud knocks on the front door. Shocked, we both remain deathly still; not wanting to make one single sound. Whoever it is, can quickly leave, and then we can get back to our blissful business. The knocking only gets louder and more aggressive. Still, we ignore it. Adam actually starts kissing my neck, a smile being felt from his playful lips. I giggle, loving it but shushing him at the same time.

Knock! Knock! Knock! "Angel, I know you're in there. It's Rex, I really need to speak with you."

I literally freeze on the spot, panic causes my heart to mercilessly beat inside of my chest. Each beat more suffocated by the next panicking beat. "Who is Rex?" Adam asks, caging me in between his athletic arms.

"Nobody...but you need to keep quiet." I lie with a whisper, my hushed voice now trembling.

Adam keeps me where I am, refusing to allow me to squirm my way out of giving him some kind of a proper explanation. "He certainly isn't nobody, Angel. Who is he?" He pushes for an answer, his patience wearing thin.

Knock! Knock! Knock! "I'm not going away until you have let me speak to you, Angel. I know you're in there because I can hear you both whispering."

Feeling completely caught out, stupidly so, I sigh loudly. "Get dressed." I abruptly instruct Adam, grabbing my crumpled dress from off the floor in a panicked huff.

"Now are you going to tell me who this Rex bloke is?" Adam asks, slipping on his trousers with an angry frown.

"He's a very old ex of mine." I quietly admit, wondering how on earth I have unwittingly ended up in this very awkward situation.

Adam looks completely unimpressed, furious even. "Right," he replies, shoving both his arms into his shirt and doing up his buttons with obvious agitation. "Then I guess you should let him in, then."

Overwhelmed with an absolute feeling of dread, I quietly open the door. Rex stands unnervingly tall, studying my flushed face before he speaks. "I'm sorry, can I come in?"

Still feeling a little hot on account of my arousal being so rudely interrupted, I welcome the chilled breeze that softly whips up around my face and neck. "I don't have long." I mumble out, avoiding his strong eye contact.

As he slowly steps in, Adam also stands tall; bold and unintimidated. Rex looks across at him, now standing beside the sofa. They eye each other with subtle disdain for one another, trying to work out where they both fit into this truly uncomfortable scenario.

With the atmosphere thick with growing testosterone, I quietly do the awkward introductions. "Adam, this is Rex."

Rex simply nods, choosing to just keep eyeing up the man who dares to even remain here. Adam, quickly glances at me and decides to score points by being more socially graceful. "From one ex to another, it's nice to meet you." His smile is borderline polite, but his reply is soaked in confident sarcasm.

The room is beginning to feel a whole lot smaller and I find myself running my one hand through my, post-foreplay, hair. My stomach is rolling over and over with the very same dread that I had just before opening the door to Rex, and my heart thuds along with my thoughts of wanting to escape. Crossing my arms around my stomach in a protective huddle, I somehow find my voice. "Adam, could you wait in the kitchen...I need to quickly talk with Rex."

Just as Adam is about to respond, Rex quickly interrupts. "I don't mean to be rude, but I think it's better if he leaves...I need to talk with you at length." His voice is strong and unwavering, and absolutely non-negotiable.

Adam steps forward, his chest all puffed out for confrontation. "Who the hell do you think you are? You interrupt us, and you have the balls to come in here and ask me to leave? I think you're the only asshole who should be leaving."

Rex doesn't back down, he meets Adam step for confrontational step, exuding such calm and absolute focus. "I've waited a long time to speak with Angel. Now that I'm here, you have the choice to either leave by walking or you can leave on your ass...which is it to be?"

Adam glares back at him, his nostrils flaring and his chest still broadly thrust out. Before saying anything, he looks for me to provide him with his answer.

I momentarily freeze. I don't understand how I have even ended up with both Rex and Adam being in the same room together, looking like they both want to eliminate each other. With guilt and heavy apology, I stare back at Adam. Rex isn't going anywhere, I know that. So the least I can do is get Adam out of here before things really do get out of hand. "I'm sorry, Adam. I really do think that I need some time to talk with Rex alone...I'm so sorry."

"Are you actually being serious?" Adam tilts his head, a deep and confused frown spanning across the width of his angered forehead.

Feeling absolutely awful for him, I anxiously nod; wringing my hands in front of me. "I don't expect you to understand, but I really need to do this. I can't apologise enough." I quickly explain, my voice trembling with so many conflicting emotions.

Adam angrily pushes past Rex, taking determined strides towards the front door. "Fine!" And with that, he opens the door—slamming it right behind him.

He slams the door so hard, that one of my precious pictures of my parents falls from the wall just beside it; smashing into glassy and wooden pieces onto the flagstoned floor. This is just the diversion that I need to get away from Rex, just a moments breathing space to collect my very confused thoughts. His calm and controlled manner makes me fearful. Fearful of why he is here and fearful of what may happen between us. It hurts having him around. It hurts, but oddly feels comforting at the same stupid time. How can that even be?

Rushing into the kitchen, I lift the dustpan and brush from out of the cupboard. As I stand to turn, Rex is there. His stare is glassy, overwhelmed. "Let me do it." He gently says, taking the dustpan and brush from out of my shaky hands.

I watch him clearing away the mess of all the broken glass and wood, how he carefully lifts up the picture of my parents that lies on the floor with so many shards sitting on top of it. Giving it a gentle shake, he stands to kindly give it back to me. I take it, not wanting to really begin any conversation with him. I still don't know why he is here, but I also know that I shall soon find out.

As he throws away the broken picture frame, I leave him in the kitchen and make my slow way back to the living room. I stand there, with my arms wrapped around myself, feeling scared, cold and confused. I'm not scared of Rex, I'm only scared of how he makes me feel. "Angel?" His quiet voice is right behind me; assuring and tender.

His presence alone overwhelms me, frighteningly consumes me. I had told myself over and over, that I would never see him again...yet here he is. "What do you want, Rex?" My voice is as broken as my picture frame, I bite my lip as I desperately try to hold back my tears. My thoughts are condensed—thick with confusion.

Coming closer, he stands right in front of me. "I needed to see you." That is all I get to explain his unpredictable behaviour—his unpredictable presence.

My confusion spills from out of me, being resentfully pushed by an anger that has been buried so deep since the day that I walked away from Rex at the hospital. I need him to hear all of my hurt and all of my pent up confusion. He needs to understand. "I never thought I would see you again. I was about to have sex with another man. You told me to leave you alone, so I did. Having sex with someone else was my way of leaving you alone, Rex. Why are you even here?" I am heart wrenchingly trying to explain away my guilt whilst setting free of my deep-rooted anger. Tears begin to overfill my eyes, spilling out over my flushed cheeks.

Rex lowers his head, making me look right into his green eyes that seem full of their own deep sorrow and guilt. "I came for you, Angel."

"Why?" I ask with my chin so stubbornly high but my emotional voice, so sadly low.

Rex reaches out to touch my face, two fingers delicately tracing along my temple, cheek and jawline. "Because you're mine...you always have been."

"But I nearly slept with Adam." I guiltily whisper.

Rex doesn't seem angry. His constant gaze is one of sweet understanding. "Do you love him? Because if you do, I will leave right now and you will never see me again."

I shake my head, causing more tears to fall from my emotional eyes. "No, I don't love Adam."

Continuing to lovingly caress my face with a small smile sitting on his lips, he repeats himself. "As I said before, you are mine...you always have been."

A soft sob rushes from out of me as I tilt my head against his fingers with the sweetest of relief blanketing me. With my eyes closed, I feel fulfilled by his light and loving touch. That fulfilment spreads to my swelling heart, as his lips slowly meet mine. My eyes remain closed, feeling every adoring movement of his soft, soft mouth. My future is so beautifully cocooned within that cherishing kiss. Every hope and dream that I have ever possessed, has one by one, been returned to me. "Please don't hurt me, Rex." I cry out on a jagged breath, breaking our beautiful kiss in order to request that he doesn't break my heart as I did his.

Holding me between his warm palms, he lovingly declares. "Sometimes Angel, we have to experience the deepest of hurt, to understand the deepest of love." His thumbs stroke my cheeks, the lightest of sweeps with the dearest of affection. I say nothing. I'm mesmerised by his mouth and all that comes out of it. "I have lied to you. I have lied to myself...but I can't lie to my heart, Angel. I knew that as soon as I saw you, that the love I have always had for you, wouldn't let me walk away. I have tried to walk away, you know that. But I can't be without you. I'm just not the same person without you in my life." He once again presses his cushioned lips to mine, then fans my face with a desperate whisper. "You once tore my heart apart, but I believe that together, we can make a better one." A small smile comes to his lips, before giving me more of his beautiful words. "For all the hurt you have caused, Angel, ours is an endless love. Which is why I need the truth. You need to tell me why you left me. I need to hear it from your mouth. No matter what it is, no matter how ugly it is...I need to know it now."

My whole body stiffens in his hold, but Rex reassures me with another one of his velvety kisses; assuring me that everything will be alright. "You need to trust me, Angel."

I try to pull free, but Rex won't release me. I am blinded by sudden panic. Suffocated by silent fear. "Please don't ask...I can't tell you...I just can't." My afraid eyes fall to the floor, with many stinging tears following behind.

Rex gently lifts my lowered wet chin, wiping away my tears with his sweetly sympathetic fingers. "You don't get it, do you? I didn't just fall in love with you. I fell in love with us. I want that again, Angel...but I need the truth."

Our eyes lock, lost in each other's conflicted world. "I will lose you for good...I can't, Rex...I can't lose you forever!" I cry again, utterly distraught by his need to know the truth.

Holding me tightly in his arms, he comforts me over and over. "I don't mean to upset you, Angel, but this is important. If we want a future together, we have to deal with the past." He pulls back from me, willing me to look again into his sincere and honest green eyes. "You have to trust me." Then kissing away some of my tears, he whispers something bitterly surprising in my ear. "Did my father have something to do with it?"

I flinch away, an icy panic crawling up my spine. My breaths are on hold and the vein in my temple thumps in time with the terrified beats of my heart. "W..what?" I stammer, blinking in total gut-wrenching disbelief.

Rex's green eyes are now full of desperation, silently pleading with me. "Did you leave me because of my father?"

A restlessness takes root within me, pushing me closer and closer towards telling yet another lie. Rex obviously knows something. He wouldn't have asked such a thing, if he didn't. He will surely know if I lie to him now. I feel like I am being cornered. If I lie, I will lose him. If I tell the truth, I will lose him. At least with the latter, all the not knowing will be gone for Rex. If this really does mean the end for us, then at least I no longer have to carry around the secret burden of his father with me for the rest of my miserable life. Armed with just the tiniest bit of hope, I answer with a small and fearful voice. "Yes."

A huge breath is expelled from Rex, an expulsion of uncertainty, anguish, sadness and anger. His head drops as he tries to calm his heaving breaths. "Please tell me what happened?" Is all he asks, unable to now look at me.

I can't tell him like this. His head is bowed so very low and he's barely able to breath normally. Pulling free from his hold, I stand, feeling less restricted; more free to talk when I'm not in his arms. With my back to him, I sadly begin to tell the man that I love with the whole of my aching heart, all about mine and his father's sordid and shattering secret. "I was sixteen when I first met your father. After the death of my parents, I was lost and heartbroken. At the time, Diane and Alan were fostering me and my sister, and at the time, I hated them. I hated everything and everyone. So I ran away. Some older girls took me in when I ended up in Bristol and told me how I could get some really easy money." I turn around, seeing whether or not Rex is still here. He is, now looking at me with eyebrows that pull in with such deep regret. I don't know whether his regret is because he had asked for the truth—or because of the beginning to my pitiful tale. Looking at him, I nervously continue. "Your father was the first man who picked me up...the only man." Rex blinks back at me, tears filling his eyes as he swallows hard. Composing myself with a deep breath, I try to carry on. "The girls told me I could get twenty quid for oral sex, so that was what I was supposed to give your father." As the story falls from my fearful mouth, tears fall from Rex's eyes. I can't bear what I am doing to him, so I stop talking. I can't do this! I can't do this! Is all my mind keeps screaming at me, over and over.

"I need to hear everything. What happened next?" Rex pushes me for more, although it's slowly killing him to finally hear it.

Turning my back on him, is actually the only way that I can explain the rest of what happened. Even after all these years, I still feel so sickly ashamed and devastatingly dirty about what I did.

My own tears are now coming and my voice is choked with many more. "I...I...I gave him oral sex...but ended up puking right outside of his car. I just couldn't do it!" I'm now crying so hard, my body shakes with shame and insecurity.

"Did you have sex with him?" Rex's voice comes louder than my cries.

I turn, my shoulders shuddering up and down with the violent sobs that traumatise my body. "No...he was angry with me because I had thrown up everywhere. He threw the twenty pounds out of the car and left me where I was."

Rex is now holding his head between his hands; thinking. All of my hopes and dreams are moving further and further away; torturously becoming out of reach. As much as I try to hold onto them, they slip from my sorrowful grip. "Come and sit down." Is all that Rex quietly says to me, sadly lifting his head. I anxiously take the steps towards the sofa, slowly taking the seat beside him. As soon as I am anxiously sat in place, Rex takes my hand. "Thank you for telling me the truth...I understand everything now."

Relief literally floods my whole body at the gentle tone of his grateful voice. Achingly needing to be closer to Rex, I shift nearer to him on the sofa. "How did you know that something had happened between me and your father?" I nervously ask, wanting him to look at me; only he won't.

All Rex does is squeeze my hand, like he's just making sure that it's still there. "All those years after you left me, I kept replaying things over and over in my head but nothing ever made sense back then. I wanted it to make sense, but it never did. But the other day, my mother said something about how everything seemed to change on the night that me and you unfortunately broke up. She said that overnight I had changed and that my father had began to drink much more. What she said kind of opened up a closed door for me, a door that I never wanted to open. Once I had opened it, things began making painful sense. I thought about everything my father had put my mother through. All the late nights and his secrecy. He used to tell my mother it was because of work, but mum wasn't a fool. She believed that the pressure of his job had driven him into the arms of another woman and to the bottom of many bottles. His drinking and behaviour became so bad, mum eventually made him leave and began divorce proceedings. It was during the divorce proceedings that mum discovered that my father had been using prostitutes for many many years. With too much whiskey and anger in his veins, he actually told her that himself. The stupid bastard threw that in her face in a final attempt to hurt her over the divorce. What my mother said to me the other day, made me remember all the little things that didn't seem quite so important at the time. I remembered how quiet you were when you first met my parents. I just thought it was nerves, but it was much more than that, wasn't it?" He now looks up at me, looking so lost and devastated. Rex looks back down at our entwined hands, frowning hard. "I remembered how long you held me when I dropped you off at your house, too. Something felt off about that embrace, but you said you felt ill, so I just figured you were feeling even more bad for having to leave my parents house so early because you felt so unwell. In my gut, I knew something wasn't right, but at the time I just dismissed it. I knew that something was deeply wrong, I just never figured that it was you saying goodbye to me. When I saw you at Aidan's party, all those feelings of confusion came back. There was so many unsaid things between us, and I wanted to understand but I was just too upset to listen. You kept saying that you were protecting me, and again, I couldn't understand that. It seemed like all the pieces to the puzzle were somewhere in front of me, I just needed to find them. When mum talked of what happened with dad, all the pieces suddenly began to fit in place. Everything did change on the night that you met my father. That was the night that you left me and that was the night that my father began to drink himself into oblivion. You couldn't be with me because you couldn't risk the truth coming out. You left to protect me...my family." He pauses with yet another squeeze to my hand, looking at me with such a knowing sadness. "All those years that I had spitefully spent, thinking that you didn't love me...but you did."

Bringing his hand up to my comforting lips, I lightly kiss his whitened knuckles that cling so very tightly to me. "I'm so sorry." I quietly say, needing to comfort him for all those years that he tried to hate me.

Kissing our cuddling hands, a relieved smile surprisingly reaches the far corners of his mouth. "Every single moment, I have painfully dissected. You leaving me. Aidan's party. You coming to see me in the hospital...everything." Leaning forward he kisses me, sweetly soft and apologetic with adoring closed eyes. Our kiss is lovingly laboured, unhurried and light with our future together now looking beautifully possible. Rex pulls back slightly, our noses intimately close. "I love you, Angel. I need you and I still want you."

Holding my head against his, I smile with a happiness that warmly expands my heart. "And I love you, Rex. I have always loved you." My arms swoop around him, my happiness escalating.

Clinging onto one another, we are overwhelmed with elation, relief and love. I don't want to loosen my hold on Rex, and neither does he on me. With tears and smiles, we embrace, kiss and caress one another. Not quite believing that we are sharing this beautiful moment. Being with Rex makes me feel like I am emerging from a dark and lonely chrysalis—transforming into a beautifully free butterfly. I feel reborn...alive.

"I love you so much, Rex. Since the night that I left you, I don't think I have taken a single breath without you being in the back of my mind. I'm so sorry about everything...I really am so sorry."

Rex comforts me with more of his assuring strokes and kisses all over my flushed cheeks and swollen lips. "We both can keep on apologising until we are blue in the face, Angel." He pauses to stare deeply into my eyes, urging all of my sorry's to leave me. "Listen, no more saying sorry to one another. I think we need to start spending some quality time together, so we can remind ourselves why we fell in love in the first place...okay?" His thumbs caress my cheeks, while his affectionate eyes remain firmly transfixed on mine.

I nod, smiling more now. "Okay." Then I close my eyes, just breathing him in.

Rex gently coaxes me to lie down in his lap. Again, I breathe him in. The familiar scent of Rex just completely relaxes me. It's akin to the feeling of coming home after a very long time away. With my head comfortable, I enjoy the delicate strokes that he languishes on my hair, ear and cheek. A long ago contentedness comes and lies down beside me, happy to reacquaint itself with Rex once again. With deep and satisfied sighs, I lie there with a serene smile upon my face. In the sweetest of silence, we sit together like this for the longest of times. Just enjoying the warmth of one another and feeling truly grateful for a closeness that we thought had all but gone. No words are said. It's just a peaceful togetherness. A peaceful togetherness that is blissfully cocooned by an emotional exhaustion, and it's that exhaustion that eventually overcomes us; carrying us both towards the most content of sleeps that we have ever had since our being apart.

**PHEW....THAT WAS AN INTENSE CHAPTER!!!
I HOPE YOU LOVELIES ARE ENJOYING THE REASON, ALL YOUR GORGEOUS VOTES ARE SO VERY APPRECIATED XXXXX