I'm accompanied on my way to London by a bottle of vodka and a pack of cigarettes. I alternate between swigging from the bottle and puffing on my cigarette, until the whole tour bus smells like nail varnish remover and smoke.

Kian and Billie keep a close eye on me the whole way. There's not much else to do on a six hour bus drive, after all. I decided to bring Billie along as a way of apologising for the other day, but we both know today will likely end the same, the way I'm going.

Kian doesn't approve either. He's strictly sober, and he's been trying to get me to quit all my bad habits for months. Still, these vices are the only thing that will get me through today.

When Billie gets up to use the bathroom, Kian fixes his dark eyes on me, raising an eyebrow.

"Does she know?"

"Know what?"

"About her."

I press my lips together tightly. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't play dumb. I know the reason you don't want to go to London. And now you're dragging your girl along to try and keep yourself out of trouble."

"You don't know me at all." Translation: he knows me better than I know myself.

Kian rolls his eyes and goes back to strumming on the acoustic guitar he brought with him. He's really going all in on the rebranding thing. "Whatever, Summers. Just make sure you keep it together, okay? It's only, like, forty-eight hours. Don't screw this up for us."

Billie returns from the bathroom and I spend the rest of the way sulking, wishing that I wasn't so immune to the vodka. These days, it takes a lot to get me drunk, with some form of alcohol usually coursing through my system. It feels worse when I stop and my hands begin to shake, my mouth dry, a cold sweat forming a sheen on my skin. I take another sip, thinking about the fact that there's no real way to win when you're addicted to alcohol.

And as we get closer to London, the drink sloshing around in my stomach, I begin to feel sick. London is a big place, I tell myself. It's not like I'm just going to bump into Freya on the street. But just knowing she's close by, knowing that my luck will lead me back to her...it's enough to make me want to hurl.

Because I don't know what would happen if I saw her. Would she turn and walk away? Has she been able to compartmentalize that week we shared together from the rest of her life and forget it existed? Will it hurt her to see me again after what I did?

I close my eyes. I have a lot of regrets in my life. But none are bigger than deliberately hurting her. Even though she hurt me, even though she ripped my heart from my chest...I still know that she didn't deserve what I did. She had a lot going on and I didn't give her time. Three years has made me realize that. Three years has made me grow up a little in some ways.

But definitely not in others. Because as we drive through the city, I realize I'm going to be sick. I head to the back of the bus, my head whirling, trying to pretend like everything is fine. But as I bend over the toilet and throw up, I know I'm getting dangerously close to hitting rock bottom once again.

But maybe it's where I belong.

The hotel we're staying in is far too nice for me right now. I'm sweating, the aftertaste of vomit still clinging to my tongue, and I look a state. Billie seems to be pleased, though. 

"This is kind of fancy," she says, throwing herself onto the bed with her biker boots dangling in the air. I feel too nauseous to respond properly, but I lower myself onto the bed beside her and stare up at the ceiling. She snuggles in close to me, ignoring the fact that I smell like a brewery and that I'm probably the most toxic thing in her life right now. I sigh. It's comforting having her here, but I feel like I shouldn't indulge in this. I don't deserve her. I don't deserve anyone, really. 

But I don't have the strength to push her away. I've been so tired for so long. My body aches. My lungs struggle for air when I've drank too much and smoked too many, like right now. I just want someone to hold me. I let Billie's arms wrap around me. 

"I can't wait to hear you play," Billie whispers to me. "Watching you live...it's always so special."

I don't want to think about the show. I don't want to think about anything. The room is too hot and I feel like I'm choking on my own air. I should eat, take some vitamins, get some rest. But in my mind, all I can think about is how to get a hold of my next drink. I wonder how much longer it'll be before I can stomach one. Maybe I can persuade Billie to join me at the hotel bar and we can actually have a laugh. Maybe for once, I won't take it too far. Maybe for once, the drink will satisfy me.

That's too many maybes for me to believe in. 

"I don't want to do the show," I mutter. Billie holds me a little tighter.

"I know."

I'm shocked at that reply. I never really thought that Billie could read my mind. Maybe she knows me better than I think. Maybe she's the one person I haven't pushed far enough away. Her head nestles on my shoulder.

"I know you don't want to do it. I can't remember the last time you actually wanted to perform," Billie whispers. "But I also know that you fell in love with music for a reason. I think you've just lost your way with it. I think...I think maybe you lost your way altogether."

There's a lump in my throat. I close my eyes once again. I hate that she knows me. I hate that she can read me like a book. This isn't who Ray Summers is supposed to be. She's meant to be tough. Untouchable. Hard as a rock. But she's not. She's a sad drunk who feels sorry for herself. She's a woman yearning to be the person she once was, to turn back time.

But there's no coming back from this now.

"I'm fine," I tell her, sitting up and ignoring the wave of nausea that comes over me. I don't want her sympathy. I don't want her to remind me that I'm falling apart. I feel her hand on my shoulder.

"Ray...baby, listen to me. I know you don't want to hear it. I know you don't want me telling you things you already know. But I want to help. I want to help fix you."

"I'm not a damn car, Billie. You can't just give me a new coat of paint and expect me to be brand new. I've done too many miles and I'm running on fumes," I snap, glaring her down. "I'm not some project for you. You know that, right? If you think that someday I'm going to be better than this then you may as well just walk away now. You don't get an upgrade. This is me."

"No it isn't," Billie says quietly. "You just don't want to put the work in and get better." She sniffs, looking away from me. "I care about you, Ray. I know you don't feel the same way about me as I do about you. I can make my peace with that. But I can't watch you drink yourself to death."

"So leave then," I say hoarsely. I can't blink back the tears this time. Billie turns to look at me, shaking her head slowly.

"No. That's not what I meant," Billie whispers. She moves a little closer to me. "You're going to hit a wall, Ray. And when you do, when you truly do...you'll want to change. You'll want to get better. And I'll be right there when you do, ready to help you find your way. You won't be alone. I promise you."

The ache in my chest is so strong that I want to burst out crying like a baby. But I know how to hold back on this hurt. I swallow it down, no matter how painful it is. It goes down easier with a glass in my hand, but right now, closer to sober than I've been in a while, I just have to manage alone. I always do.

"I don't need you," I grumble, laying down on the bed again with my back to Billie. "I don't need anybody."

I hear Billie sigh. "Oh, Ray. You've always been a terrible liar."

A/N: Hey guys! I hope you're enjoying the updates. It's been so good to get back to this story and this world. It's always felt like home, and this one feels so personal to me. I'm loving writing it so I hope it's still something you guys can love!

While I'm here, I just want to ask a few questions and do a bit of self-promo! I've been seriously considering self-publishing this series in 2022, and was wondering if you guys would be interested in that? The original stories will remain here on Wattpad, but the revamp would have more content and I'd likely publish it as an ebook and a paperback! I understand that many people use Wattpad for a free reading experience and don't venture any further, but would anyone be interested in this? Let me know in the comments :)

I also thought I'd plug my other work here! I'm a full-time writer now, and I ghostwrite for various authors, but I have published some of my own work as well. My dream is to write for myself full time, but I obviously need money to do so. For those of you who love a LGBT YA romance, my book Double Bluff is available on Amazon! I'll put it in the external link for this chapter for anyone who fancies checking it out! I am also releasing a zombie series with a friend and would love for you guys to read it if it's up your street! All my published stories are also available for free to those with Kindle Unlimited!

Thanks for reading this far, sorry for the info dump! I'm around if anyone has any questions, but no matter what, you'll still be able to read this story here for free and that won't change! Thank you for all your support, even if it's just reading my chapters and leaving the occasional comment or vote! It makes my day every time I see you guys interacting and I'm so grateful for you all! :)