Zeke opened his eyes and blinked several times. Slightly disoriented, he lifted his hand up to rub his eyes. A second later he was astonished to realize he actually had a hand to raise to his face. "What happened?" he asked aloud. 

"Welcome back to the waking world, buddy." He looked up and saw Max and Gustavus standing over him smiling.  

He glanced around and realized that all his limbs were indeed attached although he was no longer handcuffed to Max. "Did I just imagine all that?" Zeke asked. 

"No, no it was quite real," Gustavus chuckled. 

"Yeah, sorry about that, Zeke old boy," Max said. "I probably should have warned you in advance. This thing's a body re-interpreter. It's perfectly harmless, see?" He pointed it at himself, removed his left arm and reattached it to his forehead. He wiggled it around back and forth before taking it off and putting it back into its proper place. "I only meant to remove your hand so the cuffs could slide off easily, but I set the beam a little wider than I had intended." 

"I see," Zeke said, still grabbing his arms and legs to confirm they were really attached. "Actually I, uh, knew that the whole time. I was just overcome by all the booze we drank earlier and had to sleep it off for a bit. That's all. I wasn't scared for a moment." 

Max pointed the beam at Zeke again causing his pinky finger to drop off. Zeke let out a high-pitched shriek in spite of himself and then grabbed the device from Max. "Stop doing that, god damn it, or I'll remove your foot and attach it up your ass!" He reattached his finger and then turned to Gustavus. "Put this thing away, will you?"  

"No problem," Gustavus said taking the device. "Did you want to see any more exhibits?" 

"No, I think I've seen enough for now," Zeke muttered. "Besides, we need to go back and get Sarah." 

"I suppose you're right," Max sighed. "Oh well, I can come back another time. Let's be off then." 

They made their way outside and were almost immediately accosted by a small bulldog pulling a rickshaw. "Hey you guys need a ride somewhere?" 

"No thanks," Max replied. "We'll take the Roto-Bus." 

"Aw, come on. I'm cheaper than the Roto-Bus! Where are you going anyway?" 

"Well, if you must know, first we're going to Smelly Pete's Tavern and then we're off to see the prophet Skip." 

"Really? Jeez this Skip's a really popular man today. Of course that jerk Bobby gets to take the pretty girl. What's the big deal with this Skip guy anyway?" 

Max perked up at the mention of a pretty girl visiting Skip. "What did this girl look like?" 

"Ah, I don't know. She was sort of a pink monkey like this guy here," he indicated Zeke. "Long yellow hair, green eyes, nice smile. Seemed kind of feisty. Jeez, why can't I meet a girl like that?" 

"Sounds like Sarah, all right," Zeke said. "Sounds like she may have gotten sick of waiting for us and left to find Skip on her own." 

"All right, we'll just head straight to Skip's then," Max said. 

"To Skip's we go!" the bulldog shouted excitedly. 

"What do you mean we?" Max asked. "Zeke and I are taking the Roto-bus." 

"Aw, come on! You've gotta let me take you! I can't wait to see the look on Bobby's face when I show up at the same destination with two paying customers. Please? I'll give you half price." 

"Maybe we should take him up on it?" Zeke said, ever conscious of saving a floss or two. 

"Well," Max considered. "Make it fifty-one percent off and you've got a deal." 

"Deal!" the bulldog shouted. "I'm Timmy by the way! Pleased to meet you!" 

Zeke and Max introduced themselves and climbed into the cart. 

"Off we go!" Timmy shouted excitedly. 

"Uh, sorry to bother you," Max said. "But Skip lives in the other direction." 

"Oh yeah. Sorry. Off we go!" Timmy took off at a run wagging his stubby little tail behind him as he pulled the cart.  

Max sat back in his seat and exhaled loudly. "It's too bad we had to rush out of the museum. I really wanted to check out that new exhibit. Plus there's lots of other cool stuff you missed out on." 

"Yeah?" Zeke asked. "Like what?" 

"Well, I always get a kick out of the god-helmet, although I can usually only tolerate it in very short bursts. Makes you a little insane if you leave it on too long." 

"What does it do?" 

"Well, basically it expands your consciousness to omniscient levels. It starts out slowly. You start gaining perspectives outside of your own limited worldview. The longer you keep it on the more information comes rushing into your noggin. I imagine if you kept it on long enough you'd know damn near everything. Of course I have to take it off long before it ever gets to that point. Our brains are only wired to handle a certain amount of information. If you fill them up too full I suspect they'd probably pop. As it is I've gotten some nasty headaches from some of my more intense sessions." 

"Hmm," Zeke said. "That does sound pretty cool. I'd like to know everything. It'd be nice to be able to understand all that complex math and science stuff that's completely meaningless to me. Or for that matter figure out the meaning of life. And maybe best of all I'd know what it was like to be with Sarah. Then again, I suppose I would be forced to know what it was like to have sex with Vance, too. Or you for that matter. Gross. I don't suppose there's any getting around that. Knowing everything does mean you have to know everything. There's no picking and choosing I suppose." 

"That is true," Max agreed. "It also has a way of becoming confusing rather than enlightening. I always have trouble when I start noticing all sorts of inherent paradoxes. After all, as you start escaping your individual perspective, things that you hold as absolute undeniable truths start seeming like somewhat subjective beliefs. You start seeing both sides of issues and things that are seemingly contradictory start becoming simultaneously true. Black is white, up is down, no is yes. I particularly like to make use of that last tidbit of information when I encounter ladies who are resistant to me." 

"I'm glad to see you're putting your expanded consciousness to such good work," Zeke said. 

"I do my best," Max smiled. "I'll tell you what though, you can get some pretty weird notions in your head sometimes when wearing the god-helmet. Last time I tried it I was convinced that I, and indeed everyone around me, were just characters in the twisted narrative of a book being written by some sick fuck. Is that a crazy idea or what?" 

"That's pretty ridiculous," Zeke agreed. "Hey, I've got a crazy idea.  What if we used the god helmet to figure out where Dr. Octavius is?"

"You think I haven't already thought of that?" Max snorted.  "The problem is it's too hard to stay focused on tiny little insignificant details when you have the answers to all the mysteries of the cosmos at your fingertips.  I tried to remember where I left my house keys one time and all of a sudden I was understanding the nature of dark matter.  The location of the keys didn't really hold my attention after that."

"Yeah, I guess that is a problem," Zeke said.

"Hey guys?" Timmy piped up. "I'm going to take a little shortcut I know about through the Southeastern quadrant. Is that okay?" 

"Sure, sure," Max waved his hand dismissively. "Do whatever you want. So anyway, Zeke, I've been doing more thinking about this case and I have to say I'm beginning to question whether this uncle of yours is actually in any danger." 

"Uh, first of all he's Sarah's uncle, not mine. And what do you mean he's not in any danger? I heard Trevor Mastodon tell a roomful of bloodthirsty maniacs that they should kill him. If that's not the very definition of being 'in danger' I don't know what is." 

"Yeah, yeah, I know about the bloodthirsty maniacs. But between you and me, Trevor Mastodon's not very smart. Your uncle, on the other hand, is a brilliant scientist and apparently very good at hiding himself. It occurs to me that he's probably safe in hiding somewhere and that when we find him, which we inevitably will because of my unsurpassed detective skills, we may actually put him in more danger by blowing his cover, so to speak." 

"Are you suggesting that we abandon this mission and get continuously smashed at the local bars?" Zeke asked. "I'm not inherently against such a proposition, but I would hate to disappoint Sarah. I am still holding out the secret hope that if I help her find her uncle she'll become so overcome with joy and gratitude that she'll just throw caution to the wind and, I don't know, maybe give me a hand job? And I guess it would be good to find Dr. Octavius so that maybe I can get back to my home world." 

"I'm not suggesting we abandon the case, although I do suspect we'll have to drink more booze before all is said and done. I'm merely speculating as to the wisdom of our actions. That's what we detectives do after all, speculate about things. Right now I'm speculating on the idea that Sarah will extend her celebratory handies to me as well." 

"Well, okay, but I get first dibs," Zeke said. 

"Count me in on that too," Timmy called back over his shoulder. 

"Well good luck on that but she's not going to want to stop at a mere hand job with me," Max said. "I have a way of tiring chicks out." 

"Maybe they're just telling you that because they want to get it over with," Timmy volunteered. 

"Would you shut up and concentrate on the road?" Max snapped. "I swear, since when does the hired help think it's okay to inject their opinions into everything?" 

"Uh, Max, you're hired help," Zeke reminded him. "Sarah put you on the payroll, remember?" 

"Oh yeah. So she did. Well, carry on then." 

They continued on for a few minutes in silence when suddenly a loud snapping sound filled the air and the rickshaw came to a bumpy halt. "Crap!" Timmy shouted. "One of the wheels snapped off!" 

"Well, don't just stand there. Fix it, man," Max admonished him. 

"Okay, but I'm going to need you to get out for a minute." 

"Damn it," Max muttered as he climbed out. "I hope you realize you're not getting a tip now." 

Zeke stepped out behind him and stretched his legs. He looked around and noticed everything seemed to be run-down in this part of the city. There was no vegetation to speak of save for a few patches of dead grass scattered about here and there and a lone tree stump off by the side of the road. The buildings lacked the vibrant colors and intricate architecture that he had come to expect and all seemed to be box-like and painted in drab shades of gray and brown. Many of them had large chunks missing from them, revealing the skeletal frames underneath. Garbage littered the street and there was a vaguely putrid smell hanging in the air. Zeke also thought he saw some large bloodstains on the ground nearby. 

He also couldn't help but notice a pack of mean-looking boars standing nearby all dressed in black Hawaiian shirts, drinking from liquor bottles, smoking cigarettes, and staring menacingly in their direction. One of them smashed its bottle against a wall and gestured at Zeke while snorting loudly to its companions. 

"Uh, Max?" Zeke gulped. 

"Just a minute Zeke," Max replied. He was standing over Timmy's shoulder and berating him. "I just want to make sure this simpleton fixes the wheel properly." 

"I think we might be in some danger here. Those guys look like they're cruising for trouble." 

"What guys?" Max asked as he looked around for the first time. He had to duck as a bottle came flying at his head and smashed into the ground nearby. "Holy shit, I think that's the infamous black swine gang. Where the hell did you take us?" 

"We're on Gin Street," Timmy replied cheerfully. 

"Gin Street?" Max repeated in disbelief. "That's the worst part of town! What the hell are we doing in the Southeastern quadrant anyway?" 

"I told you I was taking a shortcut," Timmy said defensively. 

"You didn't say it was going to be a shortcut to getting ourselves killed!" Max shouted. 

"Uh, guys?" Zeke tugged at Max's sleeve. "I think they're coming over here." 

"All right," Max took on a look of determination. "Maybe we can talk our way out of this. Just follow my lead." 

There were ten of them altogether and they walked with the type of swagger that suggested they were used to getting their way. A particularly large and ugly boar walked a bit in front and seemed to be their leader. "What the fuck are you punks doing in our turf?" he asked in a low-pitched croak. 

"Now look here, we don't want any trouble," Max said politely.  

"That's too bad," the boar spat. "Because we do." 

"Well, I wouldn't advise that if I were you," Max puffed out his chest and lifted his hands in a karate chop pose. "I'm trained in over fifty forms of hand to hand combat. The last guy who tried to start trouble with me went home in a body bag. And you don't even want to get on the bad side of my friend Zeke here. Or should I say 'Killer,' as most people refer to him. He's killed more people with his bare hands than your average state-appointed executioner has over his whole career. Isn't that right, Killer?" 

"Uh, sure," Zeke's voice cracked as he darted his eyes around nervously at their numerous assailants. 

"And lest I forget 'Animal' here," Max indicated Timmy. "Oh sure, he looks harmless enough, but he's loco. If you get him ticked off he's liable to rip out your throat with his teeth." 

"It's true," Timmy barked. 

"Oh yeah?" the boar sneered. "So you guys are some sort of highly trained combat outfit? We'll take that challenge." 

"I wasn't finished!" Max held up an index finger. "I'm also well-versed in all sorts of voodoo magic! With just a few incantations I can make your testicles shrivel up and fall off! Don't come any closer! I'm warning you!" 

"I'd like to see you try it," the boar laughed as he took a step closer. 

"I should also probably inform you I'm quick as lightning!" Max began waving his hands around spastically. Then he reached forward and pulled a bright blue handkerchief from the boar's ear. "Pretty impressive, eh? Bet you didn't see that coming! Wanna see me do it again?" 

"Uh, okay," the boar seemed slightly confused. 

Again Max began waving his hands about, but instead of reaching forward he kicked the boar as hard as he could in the nuts. "Run!" he shouted as he turned around and took off in the opposite direction. Zeke wasted no time in following suit. 

"But my rickshaw!" Timmy protested. 

"No time for that!" Max called over his shoulder as he ducked into a side alleyway with Zeke hot on his tail. Timmy dropped the wheel and took off after them. 

The pack of boars stood around stunned for a moment, as their leader lay doubled over on the ground in pain. "Don't just stand there," he winced. "Get them!" They burst into a full charge in pursuit. 

Max and Zeke navigated the twists and turns of what was revealing itself to be an intricate network of alleyways and cul-de-sacs. Zeke was panting heavily and his heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was going to burst from his chest, but his adrenaline kept him running at full speed. 

Timmy lagged about twenty feet behind them but maintained the pace. The ravenous pack of boars was hot on his heels and seemed to be gaining. 

"Let's keep taking random turns!" Max shouted to Zeke. "Maybe we can shake them!" They turned down a passageway to the right and then hung an almost immediate left. They took another left at the next opening and found themselves in a dead end. "Fuck! Turn around quick!" 

They raced back into the main alleyway and plowed right into Timmy, knocking him to the ground in the process. Max and Zeke stayed on their feet and continued running. Timmy tried to pull himself to his feet but by this time the pack of boars had descended upon him and began beating him to a bloody pulp. 

Max and Zeke turned down another side alley, but it soon became apparent that the boars had stopped following them as their attention was fully consumed by beating up Timmy. Max ventured to take a peak around the corner and saw one of the boars holding Timmy's arms behind him while another one pummeled him in the stomach. 

"Ow, that's gotta hurt," Max winced.  

Eventually the boars worked out all their anger and wandered off, leaving Timmy in a crumpled heap on the ground. Max and Zeke approached him cautiously. "You all right there, buddy?" 

"Oh," Timmy groaned. "I never imagined so much pain could exist all at once." 

"Is anything broken?" Zeke asked. 

"I don't know," Timmy coughed. Both of his eyes had been blackened, his nose was bloodied and it appeared a couple of teeth had been knocked out. His shirt was ripped and he was covered with dirt and bruises but at least he was still conscious. 

"Hey, thanks for taking one for the team," Max said as he bent over to inspect the damage. 

"I hope you'll consider reinstating my tip," Timmy said weakly as his eyes began to roll involuntarily backwards. 

"But of course," Max said. "Hey Zeke, tip this man, will you?" 

"Oh yeah, sure," Zeke said as he pulled out a canister of floss. "Listen, how much do we owe you for the ride? I guess we'll just pay you and figure out some other way to get to Skip's." 

"Don't be ridiculous," Timmy coughed as he attempted to sit up. "I'll take you the rest of the way. I'm just a bit scratched up, that's all. Give me a minute and I'll be good to go." 

"What?" Zeke asked. "Look man, you're clearly in need of medical attention." 

"You don't understand," Timmy grabbed Zeke feebly by the shirt collar. "I have to take you all the way. Just seeing the look on Bobby's face when I show up there will make it all worth it. He was so smug when I left him, I've just gotta bring him down a notch. Besides I want to take another crack at this Sarah. Maybe she'll take pity on me and kiss my boo-boos. And hopefully my wiener too. It hurts there as well, after all." 

Zeke exchanged glances with Max. "You're sure you're all right to pull a rickshaw?" 

"Yeah, yeah," Timmy wheezed. "I've been beat up worse than this before. This was nothing." 

"But a second ago you said you'd never experienced such pain in all your life." 

"I must have been suffering from momentary delusions. Why, I'm almost as good as new. And it's really not too much further." He shook his tail limply. 

"Well, you do seem to be getting a bit perkier," Max commented. "Maybe we could rest a few minutes." 

"I don't know if we should wait too long," Zeke cautioned. "What if those boars come back?" As if on cue he felt a hand land upon his shoulder. Zeke whirled around and found himself face to face with a familiar pink blob. "Percy?" he asked. 

"That's Percival to you," the blob sniffed. "Anyway, I've come to check up on you. Trevor Mastodon wants to know how you're coming along on your mission." 

"What mission?" Max asked. 

"Oh you know," Zeke looked around nervously. "The usual sort of covert operation you get mixed up in when you've been drinking." 

"And what that might be?" 

"I can't tell you," Zeke said. "It's a secret." 

"What's a secret between friends, Zeke old boy? I thought we trusted each other." 

"We've charged him with the task of killing Octavius's niece," Percival informed him. 

"Zeke!" Max turned to him in shock. "How could you? That's truly despicable. I mean just the loss of such a nice pair of ta-tas is unthinkable! I knew there was something suspicious about you the very moment I laid eyes on you!" 

"I thought you said we trusted each other," Zeke said. 

"Well, I'm not the one who went and violated that trust, am I Zeke?" 

"Damn it, Max. Can we talk about this later?" 

"Indeed," Percival spoke up. "I'm anxious to hear your report." 

"Well," Zeke flashed an artificial smile. "The truth is I've been looking everywhere, but I haven't seen her anywhere. We're actually pursuing a hot tip at the moment. You'd better not follow me though because you might scare her off." 

"Really?" Percival asked calmly. "You're sure you haven't seen her at all?" 

"I'm positive. Not even a trace." 

"Then how do you explain that some of our network spies spotted you earlier at Smelly Pete's Tavern in the company of somebody who matched her exact description?" 

"Uh, well," Zeke stalled for time. "It was the craziest thing. I ran into this woman who looked exactly like her, but it wasn't her. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself. Could have been her twin, but nope. Just some random look-alike. In fact, she's probably who I saw earlier in the hotel. I'm starting to think Sarah isn't in Quartzwater City at all. That's probably why I can't find her." 

"Hmm," Percival seemed to consider this information. "Well, keep looking. And if you do come across her, you'd better make sure she doesn't escape with her life or else." With that he stalked off ominously. 

"I wonder how he knew I was here?" Zeke pondered thoughtfully. 

"You mind explaining what that was all about?" Max asked with his arms folded across his chest. 

"It's just undercover work," Zeke sighed. "You should know all about that, being a detective and everything." 

"Why yes, of course, undercover work," Max sputtered. "I'm very familiar with such activities. I just wish you had filled me in on your operations earlier." 

"Sorry it just sort of slipped my mind." 

"So just out of curiosity, what do you plan on doing when you see Sarah again?" Max asked. 

"Good question," Zeke scratched his head and trailed off in silence. 

"Hey guys," Timmy piped up. "Is it okay if we rest five more minutes? I think I'll be ready to go then."

* * *

Vance kissed the woman from the music store passionately and lay back in his bed feeling deeply content. "Verily, sweet Tina, that was extraordinary." 

"The name's Tanya," she corrected. "And you're amazing too, Vance. I've never known what bliss was before I met you." 

"Aye, I am the best," Vance conceded. Aside from a bit of awkwardness at the beginning when she had attempted to unbutton his shirt and he had been forced to slap her hand away violently, it had been one of the most satisfying experiences of his life. They had made love several times, and oddly enough, Vance was beginning to believe he was almost ready for another go-around. This woman was by far the most beautiful person he had ever had the pleasure of laying with. She made Sarah seem almost plain by comparison.  

The thought of Sarah made him feel a slight twinge of worry. He hoped she wasn't planning on returning to the hotel room anytime soon. He shrugged it off and climbed back on top of Tanya.