Haven't I already shown,
What it's like to love someone so much
You treat their heart like it was your own...

:6LACK

RICO

I watched as the pills fell into the trash can, along with the rest of the things I was getting rid of. All of the little things I was holding on to, were not out of my grasp.

My hands shook as I reached for the picture of Jordan and I. We were sitting down at the lunch table. He had his middle finger up, and I was just sitting there smiling.

I wondered if everything would be the same if he were still here. Would I have met Amarah? He worked so hard at keeping her a secret, that I feel like I wouldn't have.

I wondered what Amarah would be up too. Would she really been in this position? Jordan did everything for her, and he would've taken care of that baby.

I hadn't spoken to Amarah in nearly a month. All I could think about was her. I sent dozens of messages, called thousands of times, but she never answers. She wants nothing to do with me, and I honestly can't blame her.

My phone blared apple's infamous ringtone. I looked down at the caller ID and saw her name. A small smile grew across my face.

"Hey,"I whispered into the phone. "How have you been?"

"Shit without you, but I'm on my way over there. You want something to eat nigga?"

"What kind of question is that Lanai?"I asked. "Bring some Checkers, and I'll love you forever."

She giggled loudly, "Okay I'll be over there in less than twenty minutes."

She hung up the phone abruptly. I smiled as I fixed my room up some. I made my bed, took the trash out, stuffed almost every other thing in the closest or under my bed.

Lanai has never been inside my room. When I had the guest house, she came often, but never into my room. My parents took away the guest house and my car. The guest house wasn't a big deal, but the car thing is. I could no longer drive myself anywhere. My mother took me to and from school, practice, and the store twice a week. It was truly a prison.

In a way, I understood what was going on though. They wanted me to be safe, but at the same time I still wanted a life to my own. Everything I did was in their hands.

I looked down at my phone and saw Lanai's text. I ran down the stairs to help her get the stuff out of the car.

As I walked outside, I saw the outfit she had on. She look great, as always. She was very proud of her body, and showed it off whenever she could. I don't blame her either. If I was her, I'd do the same. She's perfect.

She had on a pink wig today, with a Nike sports bra, and a pair of my basketball shorts, that fit very tightly.

She switched up the wigs every week, sometimes I forgot what she looked like. She was a different person every week, and I loved the mystery of not knowing who I would see.

"Foods in the backseat,"She said as I approached her.

"You're not going to help me?"I asked. "Wow, I am offended."

"Nigga, first of all I had to drive to get that food. You know I don't like driving. I do the hard work, you can do the easy shit."

I chuckled as I opened the door and grabbed the Checkers. It smelled fresh, and delectable. Before I could even get it out of the car, I found myself stuffing a few fries in my mouth.

"Rico!"Lanai shouted.

"Sorry, sorry,"I said through a mouthful. "I'm just starving, girl."

She rolled her eyes as I smiled at her. I followed her into the house. She took off her shoes at the door, and replaced them with the slippers I bought her. My mother was picky about shoes on her carpet, since she got it re-installed.

I lead her too my room. The quick clean-up session I had wasn't the best. There was still water bottles on the floor, and clothes in the hamper.

She fell onto my bed, and moaned loudly. She loved the mattresses I had. I always go the softest ones, because it helped me sleep at night. When she first came over, she fell in love with it at the guest house.

"Make yourself at home,"I said sarcastically.

I grabbed a few more fries out of the bag and stuff them in my mouth. She stood up and snatched the bag from me. I didn't know who's food I was eating, but it was too good to even look.

"I should beat yo fucking ass. You ate my fries bitch,"She said as she looked through the bag.

"Sorry?"I said with a question. "I've just been distracting myself with indulging with food."

"Yeah, and I'm here to make sure you don't make the same mistakes,"She responded. "I'll take a look around."

The true reason she was here to help me get rid of anything that could cause me to backslide. I've gotten rid of my pills, but there was plenty more. I got rid of the ones I knew I would go to right away. I couldn't come to throwing away the ones I had for emergencies.

She walked into my bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet. I saw her pick through most of the pills in there. She opened each bottle.

"This isn't Tylenol, Rico"She said as she poured them into her hands.

I pushed my hands into my pockets and looked towards the ground. She shook her head as she examined the pills. She grabbed the trash bin on the floor and emptied them out.

"Anything else I should know about"She asked. "Or should I just toss all of 'em?"

I scratched the back of my head and I thought about what to tell her.

"Toss all of 'em, got it."

She started to take all of the pill bottles and empty them into the trash. I sighed as I looked at the hundreds, almost thousands of dollars I've spent on medication.

"How do you past drug test?"She mumbled as she emptied them. "This is insane."

"Coach trusted me,"I answered. "Not anymore of course, but he did at one point."

She took the trash bin and came out of the bathroom searching for her next place to look. She pointed towards the head board of my bed.

"Lana-"

"This is where I hide my weed from my mama. I'm sure you got something back there."

I pulled my bed back so she could see what was behind it. Sure enough, there was a small bag full of drugs.

She unzipped it and her mouth fell to the floor.

"What in the living fuck..."

She pulled out the needles that were in the bag.

"You used this shit?"She asked.

"Once, about two months ago."

"Rico, this shit is dangerous. Heroin? Is this what you want to do to yourself, really?"She asked trying to fight back tears. "I love being your friend, I really do. I can't be friends with an addict though, I just can't."

"I'm not an addict,"I insisted. "It was one time, and I didn't like it."

"So that just excuses the fact that you was still using other shit?"She responded. "I talked to Amarah today."

My eyes lit up, "You did? What did she say? Did she ask about me?"

"Sit down,"She said.

I sat down on the bed, and she sat beside me. She placed her hand in mine, and squeezed it slightly.

I could tell the news wasn't going to be good, and I didn't even want to hear it.

"She wants nothing to do with you...until she knows for certain you're clean."

"I'm clean! I haven't done anything, I promise."

"Lately, is the problem. You want to take care of a fucking child. A baby, Rico. You can't slip up on this shit. A child's life is at risk if you decide to fuck up."

"I won't...I can't."

"You think caring for a pregnant woman is hard? Wait until the baby is born. You're going to have to handle dealing with Amarah, the baby, and your self. You can't back slide. You can't fuck up."

I nodded in agreement.

"She wants to wait until the baby is born."

I stood up, "What? That's two months from now!"I shouted. "I'm helping raise that baby."

"No, if you can't get your shit together, you won't. You won't raise that baby."

"I'm doing better. I promise I'm going to do better,"I said.

She stood up and pulled me in for a hug. Her embrace felt nice.

For the first time, in months, I started to cry. The baby wasn't even about helping Jordan. I wanted to be there for Amarah. I wanted to raise her. I was invested in making both of their lives better.

"Yes, you're gonna do better, even if it's the last thing you do nigga. Think of Jordan. Do this for Jordan."

AMARAH

"That the rest of it. You wanna start unpacking or what we gonna do?"Gerald asked me.

I plopped down onto the couch. I was tired from moving all of my boxes. I had so much stuff, and carrying it was a lot of work.

"Let her rest,"Mommy said. "She shouldn't be doing any of this stuff anyways."

"I'm pregnant, not disabled,"I mumbled under my breath.

"Little girl, I will beat my precious grandchild out of you. Don't play with me."

"Please do,"I whined. "Jorie is bein' a lil b-"

"Amarah Harper,"Mommy said sternly. "You got one more time."

"Sorry Mommy. Where ma' two favorite twins at?"I asked.

She looked around the room for them, but they weren't there.

"They harasses probably still playing in that parking lot after I told them not to! Ooo, I can't stand these damn kids!"She shouted as she walked out of the room.

I looked around the empty apartment. It was nice. Mommy and I toured it about three weeks ago, and we both decided this was the best place for me right now.

After moving out of Rico's, I needed somewhere to stay. I could stay at home, but my shitty father was making his way back home. After much discussion, I finally convinced Mommy to let me get an apartment.

The apartment wasn't far from home, if anything it was extremely close. It was down the street, a turn to the left. Mommy and my siblings could walk here if they wanted too, but I hope they didn't.

I was seventeen, on my own, with a baby on the way. Saying it out loud made me scared, but I had to start figuring everything out for myself.

"Amarah!"I heard a voice say.

I looked towards the door and say Mrs. and Mr. Bynes walking in. They had bright smiles on their faces.

"Follow me to the nursery,"Mr. Bynes said.

Mr. Bynes walked inside the door, and about four other men followed him with huge boxes, painting material, and other accessories.

"Daniel, please, she just moved in,"Mrs. Bynes said. "I'm so sorry about all of this, Amarah. He's going all out for his grandchild."

"No worries,"I said with a laugh. "If she keep kickin like this, he can have ha."

"Jordan was the same exact way! That boy was trying to get out of the womb at five months."

My face fell at the name Jordan. I hadn't thought about him in months. Without Rico around as the constant reminder, he never crossed my mind.

When Mrs. Bynes realized what she did, she frowned. She tried to refrain from bringing up Jordan, because she knew it would make me sad.

Jordan left me all by myself with a baby. I didn't know what to do anymore without Rico, but I knew it was for the best.

"I'm sorry, honey. I just think about him all the ti-"

"Where you want this portrait?"Gerald asked. "I was thinking on that empty wall over there."

I nodded in agreement, "Ya don't gotta do that right now. We can do that lata."

He shrugged as he walked away, back towards the kitchen.

Mrs. Bynes sat beside me. She reached into her purse and pulled out a envelope.

"I found this today, and I think you should have it."

JORDAN

"Please, Jordan! Stop,"Mar whined. "You're hurting me. Let go."

She gave me pleading eyes, and I finally let go. She sighed with relief, and I looked the other way.

"You need to fucking eat,"I mumbled. "You look like a stick."

She scoffed, "Wow, so much for being a supportive boyfriend, right?"

"Shut the fuck up,"I responded.

She giggled and laid back on my bed. She pushed the plate of food mama made for us aside.

As she typed on her phone I admired everything about her. I couldn't imagine losing her. She was my everything.

I wanted to make her happy in everyday possible, but it was hard sometimes. I knew what was best for her, but she didn't. She didn't know what she needed. That's why I was there for her.

"Mar,"I called out. "You think you could live without me?"

She sat up on the bed as fast as she could. The smile she had on her face quickly defused.

"Are you selling drugs again?"She asked. "Jordan, I tol-"

"I asked you a fucking question, not the other way around."

"No, I couldn't live without you,"She said softly. "As much as I hate to admit it, I love you. I love you too much to let you go."

I nodded as she continued to blabber on and on about how much she loved me.

On the side of my desk was an envelope, I had yet to touch. I picked it up and wrote her name in bold letters.

"If some crazy shit happens to me,"I said as I held up the envelope, "this right here is going to tell you what to do."

"Please don't tell me you're selling drugs again,"She said as tears crowded her eyes. "That shit is dan-"

"Amarah, shut the fuck up. I'm trying to tell you something,"I demanded.

She shifted in her seat, but didn't say another word.

"It's going to be in this drawer, right here."

She nodded. I waved my hand at her, and she went back to what she was doing before. I grabbed a pen off of my desk and started to write all my instructions.

AMARAH

"Ima go open this in the uh, in tha bathroom,"I told Mrs. Bynes.

"No worries baby! Take your time,"She consoled me.

I walked to the bathroom as fast as I could. I tore through the paper, and pulled out the letter that was inside. I was scared to see what it said.

I remember him writing the letter. I remember what he said, but I didn't want that to be the last words he said to me. I couldn't let it be the last words he said to me, until now.

As I opened the envelope, a few wads of cash fell out. I didn't even bother to pick it up. It would be too hard getting back up if I got down on the floor.

I tried to skim through the paper. A few I loves you, and I'm sorry were very prevalent. I was looking for the part I knew he'd say. I knew he wanted me to do.

Amarah, I know this is asking a lot, but it's for the best. I need you to join me. I can't imagine spending a day without you, but years, I couldn't survive. Whatever life is ahead of us, is for the both of us, not just one.

I love you.

The paper fell out of my hands as those words kept repeating themselves in my mind. I knew exactly how he said it, and I was scared.

I was scared.