shoulders heavy, lungs empty, mind full and energy drained, phil let the weight of his every though push him further into his unmade bed, his head sinking low into the single pillow and his eyes wide open and bloodshot. his fingers were wrapped around the half empty bottle of whisky, the silky liquid swishing in different directions within the vessel as if it was trying to escape from under phil's fingers, like it would hate to be the one comforting phil on this dreaded day.

the power had cut off two hours ago, his bedroom window swinging in the harsh wind outside, drops of rain splashing down the walls like acid burning everything in its wake. after every restricted breath phil took, there would be a bold flash of lightening illuminating the entire sky, slashing through clouds and immersing itself into unshaped raindrops, leaving it's remainder on the windows.

phil was just as bothered by storms as he was when he was eight years younger, a haunting pallor on his face at every crack of electricity, and his skin patterned with goosebumps. his reflexes were slower than they had ever been, by the time he registered the fact that there was a flash of lightening, it was gone, the fear having no outlet and simply piling up in his brain like a giant mess.

although his ears were already occupied with grainy music blasting out of his three year old phone, he could hear every time the wind swept away the clouds, or rattled the leaves of full trees or simply knocked over phil's window only to open it back again.

username: @amazingphil hbd man we miss ur videos so much ????? also why is there a massive storm on ur bday is dan crying or something lol

phil was thirty today, transitioning into a period of midlife crisis all alone, no one to congratulate him, no one to tell him that he doesn't have to worry about getting old, no one getting him a cake, no one getting him a gift, no one kissing him a happy birthday.

the hollowness that he'd been trying to fill up since the past year and a half was all leading up to this point, where it was slowly seeping out of him in different forms—be it tears or blood or screaming. millilitres of happiness that he'd been collecting into the bottomless pit of his heart were filling his eyes back up with hope, his smile appearing more genuine and less forced, and his skin gaining back the lost colour in tiny sprinkled hues.

today as he lay here in this bed that has begun to feel unfamiliar, he can see all that happiness being evaporated right in front of his eyes, the blue vapour rising up and sticking to the bland ceiling and phil hoped that when he was sober in the morning, all of the blue would drip back into his body and paint itself all the vibrant colours he needed in his life.

username: quoted: "danisnotonfire: i want to be there so you don't have to be afraid "
i think @amazingphil would need this tweet today lmao hbd dad, sorry it's raining on ur special day

phil lifted the bottle to his lips once again, his movements stilling momentarily as his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he sighed, placing the bottle on the semi-firm mattress, hoping that it will stay upright and not soak his bed in the brown liquid. it's already soaked enough with tears.

'i'll still take all the blame, because you and me are both one and the same'

his mind is partly focused on the hushed lyrics hanging heavy in the air, muse quietly whispering the things that he's been telling himself every night since the departure of the only person he has ever truly loved. loosely coiled brown vines hanging above caramel eyes blind his vision for a moment—before he grabs the bottle and takes a giant gulp in hopes of erasing the image from behind his eyes, the bitter tonic working it's magic almost immediately as the once perfect relationship drowns out of phil's mind.

when his eyes adjust to the dim screen of his phone, a crooked smile places itself on his lips at the reminder of how he was so loved at a point of time, how he used to spend hours and hours trying to please the people around him, how he used to get that buzz of energy from other's happiness, how he himself was the happiest he had ever been. the memory is painfully bittersweet as his bloodshot irises intake every sweet phrase dedicated towards him, almost each one dripping with nostalgia of the times when he actually used to have an effect on people's life.

today, he barely has a life of his own.

and there it was, the mentions of the young romance that people rightly assumed, questions directed towards the sudden absence, sadness prevailing in a few messages because the two inseparable people who were impacting everyone's life had suddenly distanced themselves from each other, no communication, wasted friendships, and memories that don't matter.

and then the inescapable pain bursts inside phil again, the dull ache travelling under his throat and to tips of his fingers, forming a lump at the location and causing the other one to shake miserably, the corners of his eyes dotted with tears and his cheeks puffed and pink. the reminder of dan was still the most painful stab to his heart, the idea of him leaving still unacceptable, his absence still not something phil was used to.

in wide rimmed glasses of crystal brown scotch, all phil could see was his eyes, ranging from dull and watery when he was leaving to bright and bubbly when they first met. he relived every single time he had looked into those two pools that shamelessly and obliviously reflected every emotion from anger to love and disinterest to plain humour.

in long stemmed flukes of pink bubbling champagne, all phil could see was the pale salmon colour blooming on the apples of soft cheeks, appearing in different intensities from whenever phil complimented him, kissed him, hugged him. it would appear unabashed and unknowing when he giggled, appear morosely when he was embarrassed, just always stayed there, complimenting the gold tone of his skin.

in bordeaux glasses holding a generous serving of rose wine, all phil could see was plump lips ruined by smooth cracks, the inviting hue turning deeper when teeth were sunk into them out of nervousness. he could imagine them pulling into a wholehearted smile, and them pouted ever so slightly when he was throwing a tantrum. he could feel them pressing against his cheek in an adoring gesture, and the same lips pressing against his neck in the suggestion of what was to come the night after.

and right now in the darkness as tears blur his vision as he stares at the light brown rippling inside the whisky bottle, all he can think about is his soft brown hair, the way phil's fingers disappeared into the overgrown mess and the way the curly ends used to tickle the back of his neck when dan held him.

and all the memories that he fails to cage inside his heart and mind have scattered all over his room, clinging onto ever breath of air and every word of the overplayed songs, and god if he doesn't feel helpless.

the sleeve of his shirt is used to wipe the building moisture out of his eyes, his attention diverted back onto the device as a loud crack of lightening threatens phil's heart to stop beating, and the moisture returns to his eyes once he comprehends the words he read years ago.

"danisnotonfire: i want to be there so you don't have to be brave"

the words hold more meaning today than they ever did, as phil curls further into his messy sheets and tries to regulate his uneven breathing, his eyes shut tightly as he tries to imagine someone else holding him rather than phil himself, soft whispers against the shell of his ear other than his own non-sensical rambling, and someone else's fingers wiping his tears rather than the scratchy material of his own shirt.

before he knows, his fingers press the agonisingly unfamiliar contact for the first time in the past year, the ring going unnoticed just like it did six months ago when phil tried to call him to apologise pathetically for whatever he had done, but this time, the phone is answered, and phil is too confused to know whether he is relieved or simply regretting it.

the simple sigh from the other side of the line is enough to make phil break down in sobs, his chest heaving as he lets all his built up emotions out into hiccuping tears, and he hears a sharp intake of breath from the other side.

"phil?" his voice was still the only one that could place the scattered pieces of phil's heart back into it's original place, filing his thoughts into organised shelfs in his chaotic mind, and phil choked back another sob before speaking.

"did you mean it?" phil can't recognise his own voice, words broken, tone gravelly and voice almost inaudible.

"what?"

"did you mean it when you said you will always be here?" phil wipes the back of his eyes again but this time it doesn't work, the tears continue to travel down flushed cheeks and land in a puddle on his pillow as he awaits an answer, his teeth sinking into his lip so he doesn't start sobbing again and he only hears dan sigh for the second time that day.

"of course i did phil,"

--

i've been wanting to write this for so long hdxj

i hope u liked it  ???