WARNING: Self harm is mentioned in this chapter. If you aren't ok with that, skip!

Please stay safe guys,
I love you all! :)
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17th March

10:01

Joe's p.o.v
I felt a sharp painful pang, wave across my face as Caspar's hand moved quickly before my eyes.

IM SUCH A JERK!! I DID THIS TO CASPAR! ME! ITS MY FALUT FOR ALL OF THIS! I blamed him for everything the past 5 years. I deserved that slap across the face.

I shrieked, feeling the pain from his hand colliding with my face intensify. But when I looked into Caspar's eyes, I knew this wasn't him. The real Caspar wouldn't do something like this in his right mind. Something was controlling him. something... or someone?

All I could force out were violent sobs. I wasn't so much in pain physically, but I was mentally. I never meant for this to happen. Caspar looks big and tough and intimidating, but he's really just a giant teddy bear and I knew that deep down his heart was just shattered into more and more tiny pieces.

I'm sorry Casp. I'm sorry I didn't mean it. I want to help you, I want to be friends. I never wanted to hurt you. Never.

"I CAN'T!" I heard Caspar yell at himself.

He's fighting so hard. Too hard.

"Caspar..." I whimper under my breath.

Hot tears spilled down my red face.

I missed you Caspar, every single day. I prayed you'd talk to me again, I prayed for us to be friends, but you didn't. I know why and it hurts me even more.

But, I still hate you Caspar.

"He's bleeding. Alfie! Get some bandages!" I heard Zoe fuss from next to me.

Alfie thumped down the stairs and rustled around the kitchen, in search of the bandages.

I managed to sit up. My head was pouring again and my chest hurt. I winced my eyes in pain and inhaled sharply. Zoe held me in her embrace, leaning her head against my shoulder.

"I'm fine, Zoe. I'm fine." I reassured her.

"Oh, Joseph!" I gasped hugging me tighter.

"I'm serious! I'm fine!" I insisted.

The pain still rippled through my cheek like poison. But it wasn't as bad anymore.

I looked down toward the bottom of the stairs. Theo sat with Caspar in her arms. He was bawling his eyes out and his breathing was quickly increasing.

"Z-Zoe, Caspar he's-" I yell focused on Caspar, my eyes locked on his shaking figure.

"Zoe, Alfie, JOE?! HELP?!" Theo sprang up from Caspar's side.

He started screaming, shaking and crying profusely.

Theo's eyes instantly filled with fear for her little brother.

"ZOE HELP CASPAR!! PLEASE?!" I begged, shouting out her.

"Ok, ok!" She sprinted down the stairs and crouched in front of him.

I couldn't move. Not because of Alfie next to me, fixing up my face, but because of the fear inside of me.

I can't loose Caspar.

But I hate him... Or at least I think I do.

So why do I care?

"JOE HES NOT FOCUSING! HE'S GETTING WORSE!!" Zoe screeched in shock.

My heart was thudding incredibly hard against my poor body. Adrenaline kicked in and I tumbled down the stairs practically throwing myself at Caspar.

I kneeled down in front of him and lifted up his chin, so his eyes would meet mine. As they did, his tall, skinny frame stopped shaking. His ocean blue orbs connected with mine.

"It's ok. Caspar... It's all ok. I'm fine. I promise. I'm sorry I did what I did, I'm so stupid. If anything I deserved that," I chuckled slightly, "but something's that have happened I just, I need time. What I'm saying is... Caspar, can we start over? Can we still be friends?" I finished, looking down at the floor, In fear of rejection.

My heart rate increased, butterflies filing my stomach and my head a mess of thoughts and worries.

I heard Caspar let out a slight giggle.

He then followed my actions and lifted my chin, so our eyes connected once more.

"Joe, I-I just need sometime by myself for a while I think, but I promise I will-"

I shook my head and removed his hand from my face. My heart hurt.

I turned around and dashed up the stairs.

"Joe! Wait I-" Caspar cried.

I slammed the door shut, locking it behind me before grabbing my phone and blasting 5sos. I then felt tears trickle down my face and seep into my bandage, and onto my cut. It stung a little and made me cry more. I ran toward my suitcase and rummaged round, through my stuff before finally I found what I was looking for.

I sat slumped in the corner of the spare room, placing a blade to my wrist.

1 cut- for yelling at Caspar

I felt relived as the cut took some of my pain away. I envied it more.

2 cuts- for being pathetic and a jerk

The second cut wasn't deep, not enough.

3 cuts-for thinking Caspar would ever want to start again or be friends with me after what I put him through.

Tears fell from my face and hit my bleeding wrist.

Oh... god...

4 cuts- for Caspar

I want to be with Caspar. I want to be friends. I need him in my life,

but I hate him.

5 cuts- for-

Mid cut the door swung open and Alfie stood before me in complete shock.

"P-please don't l-look at me. I-I'm and u-gly mess..." I whimpered.

"Oh, Joe. Why?" He turned off the music and crouched next to me.

I buried my head in his shoulder.

"Please tell me Caspar has g-gone?!" I mumbled.

Alfie sighed, as he embraced me in a hug.

"He's umm he's still here." He whispered shyly.

GOD DAMIT CASPAR!

Why?!

Why is life so hard?

Caspar doesn't even care about me, nobody does.

Alfie gabbed the razor out of my hand and then stashed it in his pocket.

Great... Not.

He then payed close attention to my cuts. None of them cut very deep. Alfie is the only one who's know that I cut now.

What do I do now?!

The familiar sound of a voice I wish wasn't here, interrupted the silence and made me jump.

"Joe!? JOE, WHY?! This is my FALUT isn't it!? Ugh. I KNOW IT IS!" He yelled angrily and stormed off downstairs, then the front door slammed and Theo screamed after her brother.

What a fucking mess...