alexithymia
(n.) difficulty describing feelings to other people

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CASSIDY

I walk over to Starbucks while typing on my phone. Another argument between me and my mother has sprouted once again. She's messaging me to get a few groceries and the conversation somehow lead to me and her firing back nasty sentences and phrases.

I just came from Barnes and Noble because I need books for comfort since I still cannot get over my lost iPad. Words, stories, and imaginings are the essential materials for my usual 'I want to escape reality' survival kit.

It's just an iPad, right? With contents full of Logan. I mean, I was planning to break it anyway. Yeah, but you had second thoughts and was worried when you lost it. I have my phone. I'll survive this, right? Just for now.

A chat head pops up as I read the message from mom. Go back home as soon as you get the groceries, Cass. I just need to fix my stuff and then I'll be going to work.

I purse my lips. She was late for work today because we all thought there were a few more things needed at home. I type an okay to her.

To remove the stress of my mom, the death of my dear iPad, and the exhaustion my legs are feeling, I play Color Switch on my phone and enter the coffee shop with my eyes focused on the game. Maybe if I pretend there isn't a problem, there really won't be one at all.

I near the counter, but then I feel something under my shoe as soon as I step on the ground, and before I know it, my phone has abandoned me through the air once more like my iPad. I expect a clumsy fall, but instead I feel a pair of arms around me as I squirm in shock.

Sighing, I get up from whatever mad person caught me from the fall.

Big mistake. I wish I didn't.

Omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg omg.

Oh my god. Is the actual Logan Chase right in front of me? The Logan I had dreams about? The Logan I stalk on Facebook? The Logan that was my classmate when I was three? This is bound to be another dream. A hallucination, maybe.

I could almost cry at how unbelievably surreal this moment is. It's utterly impossible, I'll tell you that. Why is he here? Why today? Why did it have to happen now? In fact, why did it even have to be real?

I went to Starbucks for a regular drink and to run away from my problems. But I didn't know that the biggest problem of mine was right in this cafe. I stay beaming at Logan's blue eyes and dark black hair as he wears a small smile.

No Cassidy, he is not cute. No Cassidy, no Cassidy, no Cassidy kill that heart of yours.

I grit my teeth and do my best to wipe off that smile wanting to creep up to my mouth and since I haven't the faintest idea of how to react, I stare blankly. I have a high feeling he can read my emotions.

"Oh, thanks," I say as casually as possible.

Two things you should know about me before I go on; Number one, I'm a Scorpio, born on the fourth of November. Number two, me being a Scorpio means I can easily hide how I'm really feeling through my facial expressions, and I hope that this situation is not an exception.

"Your phone," he says, eyeing me with an annoying smirk, but still being perfect with his white teeth and clear blue eyes.

Now flashing a very normal smile of gratitude, I go over by the other table and bend down to get the damned phone.

Don't blush, Cassy. Don't blush, don't blush.

I press it open, and thank god it's still working. My iPad's already abandoned me, I can't let another precious possession go to waste. I avoid Logan who still has his eyes on me, and walk over to the counter away from him as though I'm avoiding a pond of crocodiles and piranhas.

Wait, is Logan Chase looking at me? No, no, no. No Cassy, he isn't, just carry on with your life.

I buy a Salted Caramel Latte in a blast, and scamper off outside to take the table farthest away from where Logan is heading and sip my drink quietly. I put my phone in front of me and pretend to be busy, but all I'm really doing is scrolling through the apps on top of the pink wallpaper.

Okay. I just saw Logan Chase irl. Logan Chase, the one I've always had dreams of when I was twelve, my classmate when I was a little kid. How in the world did I see him here? He lives far from our neighbourhood, but I guess that he must've probably moved houses.

Wait. . . fudge, why did I forget?! Logan and his family moved to this city when I was thirteen. I am really stupid to think that he couldn't actually be nearby! I've always been stalking him, why, just why did I forget? Then maybe I could've changed what happened by not bothering to come to Starbucks at all! Maybe I wouldn't have seen him and everything would be perfectly fine.

Who am I kidding, I couldn't have changed anything.

I jump at the sudden tap at my shoulder and see a boy with brown hair and matching kind eyes. Weird, but cute.

Great, I've been caught in a daydream once again. In front of me is Logan with another guy in blonde hair. Whoever is next to me right now, I haven't the slightest clue.

"Is she okay?" asks the blonde one to Logan. Logan? God, he is real, it's happening.

"She just tripped on a coffee lid, that won't cause you a visit to the hospital," says the one with brown eyes.

"Nothing, I'm just a bit tired," I stammer, taking a sip from the caramel goodness.

"I should probably be going now," I say, fishing out my phone and texting mom for the eyes of the unknown boy still next to me.

Why are they even near me?

He's staring at each movement I do to my iPhone and it's pissing me off.

I snatch my Latte from the table, and run back in to the mall. I'll be lucky if I get caught in a crowd of people. I don't want to see Logan. I really don't, and forgive me for being stupid and pathetic, but I don't know what I should feel or how I really feel, or how to explain what I'm feeling.

"Hey wait, what's. . ." Logan's voice disappears behind me as I speed walk.

I take a glance back, pretending to look at the time (who checks the clock when they have a phone in their hands), but secretly getting a peek of Logan.

Yes, he's looking.

But when I turn back to escape, someone's grabbed my anello backpack, and now there's no choice. I'd look suspicious if I fled away. I turn around and wipe that girly smile off my face. I'm being delusional and hopeful if I'm happy.

"Look, thanks for the rescuing and stuff, but my mom --" my lips become muted as Logan's fingers are around my wrist and he's suddenly so close to me. God, care for some space?

"Is your name Cassidy?" he asks.

How. Does. He. Know? Impossible for him to remember that we were classmates at the age of three!

"Yeah?" I reply, hiding a dumb grin through knitted brows and narrowed, exasperated eyes.

"Cassidy French?" he completes.

"Yes, I just said so," I respond.

"So you're the girl who studies at River Valley High, your iPad fell from your bag yesterday," he says.

What the. . .

I know I said that I don't believe in conincidences cause I think that everything happens for a reason, but this happening definitely does not have a reason. It's a bad accident which will never again happen. He has my iPad. What were the chances?! Logan Chase has my iPad. He could've opened it with his birthdate and found out all my secrets.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" I ask, wearing a look that says 'I don't know the answer to one plus one'.

"I was walking back home from school yesterday, and I saw the tablet fall from your bag. I tried returning it. . . but I didn't see you after you crossed the road," I stare at his blue eyes and smirking lips and sigh. How can he be so cool and relaxed, and why am I on the verge of squeezing and pinching something? I look totally calm outside, but trust me, I am internally dying. Sometimes it can be challenging and tiring to try hide every emotion you feel, and hiding it from Logan is not of my expertise. He's not my parents, or Alaine, or some random person on the street.

"Oh great! Do you have it?" I ask. He doesn't reply quickly though, his eyes are boring into mine, and I for one will be smart enough to make up all the times I was stupid and be the one to snap out of this. I nudge him on the shoulder.

"Hey, Logan," he perks up an amused smile that senses something fishy. I don't like the sign of this. A trap!

I just said his name. He knows me to be a complete stranger! I'm going to look like a freaky psycho!

"I just heard your friend there call you Logan, so you know. . . " I blurt out awkwardly before letting him reply.

How could he throw me off my guard?! No one has ever enabled the shields and the barriers to collapse. No one can ever reveal or read how I'm feeling in everyday situations. This guy sure can; I'm not that dense to notice he can totally read how I'm feeling, and it's hella annoying.

Everyone's an open book, but they're in different languages that only a few people, or maybe even one person in the void of billions of human beings, will have the capability to fathom. And he can fluently speak my book's language, because he's reading it perfectly; just at his glance on my face.

"The iPad's at my place, I wasn't able to bring it because of two idiots," he says, pointing over to his two friends that are currently staring. I fight the laugh wanting to burst out. Can laughs be a mixture of happiness and sadness and entire madness? Help meee.

"Fine, I'll just. . . get it tomorrow then?" I ask.

"Or you could come over to my house right now and I'll give it to you," What?! Did I just hear Logan Chase inviting me to his place? I am definitely still asleep. Totally not happening.

"Nah, my mom's asking me to get some stuff and. . ." before I can finish, my phone buzzes with a text from no one but my mom. I type in the passcode, but as soon as I do, the screen disappears and my phone is swept away by Logan. I was not expecting that. How did I not see that?!

"Hi Cass, dad's already got the groceries yesterday, and I didn't notice the plastic bags near the counter. I'll be going to work, and you can spend more time at the mall or at Alaine's. Ily, heart and smiley face emoji," Logan reads the text out loud.

"What? That's not true," I say, stealing the phone from him. But he is of course taller, and I can do noting but stand on tip toe and growl.

I just hate the fact that boys are taller than girls. Ever since fourth grade, all the boys grew rapidly and I don't like it at all. Although I'm girly, I do not like the experience of feeling inferior.

"Sure is," he says.

"Give me the phone," I demand. He stares at my pouting face with nothing but a smirk.

"Catch it." he says mischievously as he's darted off in a blast before my eyes. He's out of Starbucks with the blonde and the brown following him.

I am so unsure of what to feel, but whatever it is; hate or happiness, it's now a hundred percent sure mixed with a pinch of tiny annoyance. It doesn't lessen the amount of me crushing over him though.

Rolling my eyes, I run outside and search the tables of restaurants scattered around. They've run back into the mall. Although I'm wearing a crop top and shorts, and seriously unprepared for a dash like this, I am not risking the loss of two precious Apple gadgets to my crush.

My eyes search every corner of the mall as I feel the now cold air run through my hair. A twinge of fear stirs inside me, because what if Logan really isn't here? I'm not concerned about the boy (okay I care a teeny tiny bit); I just need my phone and iPad which are now in that human's clutches.

Oh, the magic and horror of time and clocks.

I stop in my tracks and lean against the stair railings to rest, until I feel two pokes on my waist which make me jump and giggle at the same time. It's so ticklish and familiar -- Dad always did that exact same thing to me when I was little. I slap the hands, but I end up on the floor, laughing until my stomach hurts. An audience from McDonald's is now looking at me like I'm a psycho. I gasp for air as the tickles finally stop, and I stare at Logan. I punch him in the chest, but that doesn't take any effect.

"Give me back my phone!" I say seriously, trying my best to stop the smile that eventually invades my face.

But he only runs out the mall exit and I have no choice but to follow him. He sprints off to a black car parked under a tree, and gets behind the steering wheel. I place my knees on the seat next to him and grip my phone, but as soon as I do, the car is moving and my left foot is dangling, inches from being dragged on the road. I scream in panic as Logan holds my arm and I completely climb in and close the door behind me.

I punch him as hard as I can and hide my phone in my bag.

"Seriously what is wrong with you, I could've fallen down!" I shout. Don't care if this is Logan Chase, my life matters more.

"Relax, I would've been holding your hand," he says, eyes on the road. I shudder and squeak very very lightly, but thankfully he doesn't notice.

"As if that would have been enough to keep me from falling. . . and you're a complete stranger," I say under my breath.

"Be thankful would you, I'm returning your iPad," he says.

"Yeah, but some ways to give back lost property don't always involve kidnapping."

"You know what they say, kidnap the gadgets, then kidnap the owner," I pinch my arm as hard as I can. No heat will come up to my cheeks. No, I refuse to fall, because falling is bad.

"And where are those two 'idiots' you were talking about?" I ask, ignoring his joke, which makes him frown a bit.

"Gavin and Dylan? Dunno, I caught them running away when they saw me take your phone," he says.

Just in a few minutes, we're in a place that I never thought in a thousand years I'd be able to visit. Logan's place. Their house is about the size of ours, colored in shades of brown, black, and white. Humongous, and the closest thing to a castle that you'll see.

"Well?" I ask elbows resting on the center compartment.

"Aren't you going down?" he says.

"Heck no, I've just been kidnapped and I am not taking any more risks. If you say that my iPad's inside, go get it," I respond, bringing out my phone. But he does go down, and enters the house with no saying.

And only then do I freak out and slap my cheeks repeatedly and touch the car to confirm that this isn't a dream. I think I'm going to die today.

I hear my phone buzz and I bring it out from my bag, answering the call without looking.

"CASSIDY!!!" the voice shrieks before I can speak. I don't reply, letting the voice go crazy.

"Was it you I really saw a while ago? I cannot believe you actually had a functioning heart! And who was that cute boy? I saw you --" I cut her off and cringe.

Cute boy? I'm not used to using those two words in one. I'd seperate them as much as I could and use them in one sentence, but not stick them together, making a totally new definition.

"Hang on, how do you know what I'm doing, you stalker?" I ask Alaine.

"Um hello? I'm your best friend, I'd know everything going on with your life." I laugh slightly. She does know a lot more than most people do about me, but there's so much more that she has no knowledge of.

"And how is that?"

"I went to your place to hang out, but you weren't there, and your mom told me you were at the mall. So I went there, only to catch you with a real human boy!" she says.

"Cass, I'd never thought that the time of you growing up would come! You're turning eighteen and I am so happy you'd embrace the true meaning of love and what it actually means, and because if not, you'd grow up to be an old hag taking care of puppies or --"

"Excuse me, but Logan just found my iPad, and what are you talking about with love? I just met the person today!" I protest.

"Yeah, but that's the only thing as close as a date you've gotten in your whole life. Knowing Cassidy, she is girly and soft and innocent except when it comes to this," I roll my eyes at her statements of truth.

"Whatever Alaine. So, you're still at the mall right now?" I ask, shoving away the infuriating topic that makes me smile.

"Well duh! I was waiting for Cassidy French, and I'll just spend the rest of my day at the mall now that I'm here," she says.

"I'm not going back, just so you know. I'm heading home," I say.

"What? So you still aren't at your house? Then where are you?!" I can perfectly see Alaine gawking and gasping at this very moment.

"Logan's place. I was like chasing him around the mall because he stole my phone, but I went to his car and he drove off, so I had to close the door and he brought me here." I explain. The air goes silent except for the music coming from the car's speakers.

"Alaine?" I say.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screams. I have to distance the phone from my ear because they'd definitely be bleeding if it weren't for her.

"Shut up girl, are you even at the mall? People will be hearing you," I say, chuckling to myself.

"Oh who cares, this is an issue that deserves attention, and I'm usually crazy anyways," I can't help but smile.

I rarely ever get annoyed at Alaine, despite all the people, things, and ideas about the world that I loathe, she never made her way up to that list.

"Hey Cassidy," Logan says, opening the door next to me.

My eyes widen at the side of the little pink object clutched in his hands. The precious thing is still alive. I never thought I'd live to see the day Logan holding the iPad in his very hands.

"Oh my god, thank you!" I say, getting the iPad as Logan jumps up and keeps the iPad away from my touch. Not another game!

"God, just give it to me," I demand, standing calmly, but my heart is still beating from the very sight of Logan Chase.

"Aw fine," he says, handing it over.

"Sooo. . . I'll be going now --" I begin. Before he can say a word, I run away and yell "You won't get my iPad again!" in fear that he might make me stay longer or do something again, or maybe, things would become awkward.

You'd expect that the walk back home would be pure happiness with the birds chirping like they were in a Disney movie, or me singing and humming, as merry as a princess. But no, it is the complete opposite, and I can't bear to accept that something as. . . crazy. . . as this, could happen.

My feet walk through the crowd as they manage their way back to my doorstep and Knoxx and Toothless, my two shih tzus jump over my knees as I pet their fur.

Shouldn't I be beyond happy that I finally saw Logan? Anyone would be happy if they saw their crush. Anyone would be happy if they spent time with their dream guy. But I find myself pushing it away, because my thoughts haven't changed. Though there is a small scoop of gratefulness and thanks to fate, perfect fantasies only happen in movies.

And I blame myself for being distracted in my daydreams, because I open all the lights when pure sunshine is leaking through the curtains. And after that, I suddenly wash the dishes that have already been washed. I don't even do this chore since we have household help -- Hazel would do it. This happens every single time I drift into my imaginary world. I have to get myself together.

This is utterly impossible. Who knows, maybe I'll wake up the next morning and this might just be the best and happiest nightmare I've ever had.

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Oh my god, this is like the longest chapter I've written, with like 3,600 + words. So Cassidy and Logan have finally met and writing it was so niceeee! There might be more instances where the chapters won't be the pov of Cass, Logan, Cass, Logan, and so on. Which means, maybe there may be a few chapters of Cassidy's POV in two straight chapters, or maybe Logan's POV in the following chapters.

I hope you liked this chapter! Don't forget to comment, vote, and follow me, because it would really mean soooo much!