People tell me to calm down, that it's not that big of a deal. "It's just a hobby" "School is more important than any pastime activity."

But they don't understand.

I can't write

I can't draw

I can't write music

I can hardly even find time to just listen to music

No stories, no characters, no online friends, nothing

Absolutely no creative outlets

And no, band doesn't count.

I haven't been able to play the piano since school started. And it's only the 3rd week.

In all the stress and anxiety of school, I would survive with my creative outlets. Last year, I had time to write stories and develop characters and talk to my online friends.

This year, most of my conversations with them are just "I can't talk right now, sorry" or "I'm doing homework, ttyl!"

It's suffocating.

And when those few moments of free time finally come around, I'm so emotionally and mentally exhausted, I don't want to write, I don't want to draw, I don't want to make music. I just want to curl up and sleep, or lose myself in some YouTube video.

It's starting to hurt. I feel as though I'm losing touch with my creative side. School is literally draining it from me.

I could graduate a year early, if I wanted to. I only need one more class after this year, and I could take that one online. I could be done with high school and try to get into the college I want to go to, which is a fine arts college.

No. More. Academic. Classes.

But then I consider all that I would be leaving behind and the anxious terror of all that graduating early would entail, and I resign from the idea. I tell myself that perhaps next year will be easier. I'll have four classes, maybe get a job to make some money, and still get to do marching band. I will have free time.

But I have to get there first.

I know many people don't look at this book, after all no one wants to listen to someone else complain, but...

No matter how inactive I am, I NOT giving up Wattpad any time soon. I plan to keep this account alive for as long as you guys will let me. So, like I said on my profile, I'm holding on to you guys.

It may not seem like it, but you're my lifeline.

Every vote and comment on one of my stories, every positive message on my board... it keeps me connected to this world. It makes it easier to breathe. When all of existence is pressing down on me... I read a funny or loving comment and I smile. My heart feels a little less heavy. The tears that had been building begin to dry, and I remind myself that I'm still a part of the world I love so dearly.

And that world- that is to say, all of you guys, are a part of me.