"it's easier said than done"
"you can't just let go of it,"
"i quit already"
"this sounds like too much work"

as i write about things that have helped me to conquer such a large battle of my life, i agree, whatever i say right now is way easier to write/say that it was to do. i know it's extremely hard to begin doing everything differently when depression has been a part of your routine for so long, and even if it's not been a part of you for long, even if you've just acknowledged it, it's fairly easy to get used to.

i'm not saying reading this, or anything for that matter will suddenly cure you but this may help you to feel more accepted than you currently do. for me, when i was at my lowest point, the worst thing was that i felt alone in this. i thought i was weird, unaccepted, like what i'm feeling ( or lack of feeling ) is strange and not normal at all. i always felt like i should get over this so that i can do things like my peers, so i can be as energetic as them, so i can put in as much effort as they put in everything.

i couldn't do that because, well, i just couldn't. lack of sleep, lack of placidity, lack of comfort, disorientation, lack of appetite, lack of sleep—it was an emptiness that i was getting used to and an emptiness i surprisingly did not want to leave. not willingly at least. depression is so easy to become friends with, i know because i was friends with it once. i didn't want to try and get better, i didn't want to do anything that would help me because i thought i'd feel out of place if i left this chaotic state of mind.

the sleepless nights and crying in the school bathrooms was becoming way too familiar to leave so i understand that it's not easy to let go of.

but i just want to say, as a person who is still recovering from this, as a person who's still trying to leave behind that part of my life, trying to get better is possibly the best thing you can do.

it feels so good to feel happy, it feels so good to be able to laugh and cry and feel something other than that wicked emptiness. it feels so good that i can finally put in effort in things i want to do, that i can finally be bothered to complete my homework and eat on time and exercise.

and i'm writing this only because i want you to get better as well. it's a very slow process but these small steps make a huge difference and soon you will be able to at least pretend to be happy.

i've seen so many comments that are very negative, that say that 'saying this won't help' but these are all the things i wish people would have told me. i knew all of this already but for someone to tell me and motivate me to do all this could have made such a huge difference in my recovery.

so yeah, if you're reading this just know that i am here to listen to you and to try and help you through your journey. my messages are always open, and if not, the comment section is always available and i will get back to you as soon as possible.

take care!
the next chapter will be up soon!