Human are often a very inconvenient species. Some days you really just don't want to be around any of them. But, we need jobs with paycheques. Otherwise, we'd all be homeless.
So, since I've started dating B, working with him is making me hate him. We fight constantly. He picks fights out of nowhere. He throws full on hissy fits at work. I know 4 years old that throw less tantrums. If we're being honest here, I've been wanting to break up with him for a while now. But I'm a coward who isn't really sure of how to break up with someone. All of my "relationships" have always ended by one of us just not talking to the other one anymore. And most of them have been temporary hook ups or one nights stands in the first place. We just went our separate ways. No need for any type of real breakup.
Recently, a friend showed me a band called LANY. They have this song called I Don't Wanna Love You Anymore that hits a little too close to home. They also have a song called Malibu Nights that actually made me cry the first time I listened to it.
I've found myself listening to a lot of sappier music lately. I've been particularly fond of Pierce The Veil's Hold On Till May. 'This love was out of control. 3, 2, 1, where did it go?' Might be the best way to describe how I feel about B.
Have you ever come to a stark realization that you not only don't love a person anymore but genuinely wonder if you ever did in the first place? That's pretty much where I'm at these days. I think I was holding on so tightly at first because he made me almost happy. Even I can't make me happy. So I latch onto things (or people) who give me any sort of really strong feelings. But that's just the thing. He doesn't make me happy anymore. He makes me miserable. My boss switched him to another store because she was so scared I was going to quit because of him.
It's actually funny how we ended up sleeping together the first time. I was at his place. We had been talking for hours. About everything from work, to our absent parents, to the weird music we're into, etc. It was around 3am. He says he has to sleep because he works the next day. He starts setting up a sleeping bag on the floor of his room like a kid. I ask him what the hell he's doing. He says 'well, I figure you can have the bed and I was gonna sleep down here.' I laughed at him and told him he wasn't going to sleep on the floor in his own room, that were both adults, and that I'm sure we can sleep next to each other without being weirdos about it. He agreed and we lay down and turn off the lights. And then we keep talking. About how he knows I've had feelings for him for a while. About how he's thought about me for a while too. And then he's holding my hand and I'm so nervous I was worried he'd be able to hear my heart pounding due to his proximity. Next thing I know, he closes the gap between us pressing his lips to mine and I melt into it. It's a thing I had wanted for so long (had a thing for him for about a year). Everything was exactly how it was supposed to be.
And then we dated for a couple of months. He started picking fights all the time and we'd argue for no reason.
He used to make me so happy. And now? He just... doesn't.
I recently told a friend of mine that I think I'm incapable of happiness. He told me I should find something that could make me happy, even just a little, and hold on it. I think that's what I was doing with B. But it's not working anymore.
All of this. All the making myself feel feelings and shit. All for nothing.
Maybe I've learned my lesson.

The song at the top is the one that friend told me about. Humans are creatures of habit. He loves this song 😊