I hate people touching me. Especially on purpose. Physical contact with other people makes me uncomfortable on a good day and angry on a bad day. I have less than basement-level self esteem. And i think it's really just a mix of me being super sensitive in the shoulder and waist areas and also kind of just not wanting people to know how squishy i am. I work with people who seem to insist on touching people every time they walk by. It makes me almost physically sick. I just don't like being that close to other people and unless I'm in a relationship, which is rare enough as it is, I don't enjoy physical contact.
All that to lead into, twice this week, I've realized that people think I'm a robot. The first was about a week ago, when my now sort-of boyfriend was really upset at work and I asked him if he needed a hug or something. He looked shocked. I'm still not sure if I was offended. He reluctantly accepted a hug, acknowledged the fact that I hate touching other people and then asked if that was really hard for me to do that for him. Come on! I may be dead inside but I'm not heartless. Even as a robot, I can still grasp the concept of comforting someone and people needing something to feel better when they're upset. Just because I don't really feel those things myself, doesn't mean I can't understand them. When I'm upset, I prefer to be alone. Mentally is a must, physically alone is a bonus but not always doable. Either way, I know enough about social interaction to know people want hugs when they're sad. I thought I was doing something right. Then the shocked expression made me think that I had fucked up somehow. I explain this to him and he apologizes because he didn't want to offend me or anything. We started spending a little more time together and we've been getting closer as the days pass. Hence the sort-of-boyfriend. He's super into relationships although he just got out of a string of weird ones. I'm way too fucked up to be in anything even remotely relationship-adjacent. And he knows this. I've told him. He said he's fine with a probably-kind-of-weird non-relationship. I guess I can probably manage that. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. He's kind of like a really good friend who lets me hug him when I need to. Yes. Robots get stressed too. And we kiss as often as he'll let me, really. Which I understand is a strange sentence. But sometimes I don't understand social boundaries and usually, once I have consistent contact with someone, especially physical, it's almost like I crave it. Which doesn't really make sense to me. Because I hate people touching me. But for some reason I'll hug him a lot or hold hands whenever we walk together. He doesn't seem to mind though so it's ok for now I guess...
The second was another coworker made a joke about this guy who came in who was super cracked out. He kept sniffing his hands and looked like he was so high he could be friends with birds. Anyway, she says 'hey! He could be your new boyfriend!' And my response was 'well, I kind of already have one of those. I really don't see a need for another one let alone that guy.' It's rare in life to see a genuine jaw-drop. But that's exactly what she did. Her fucking mouth hanging open staring at me in disbelief. She asks 'Really? YOU have a BOYFRIEND?!' At this point, I'm a little offended. Does everyone just think I'm an emotionless robot? I don't mean to be but some times it's either the lights are all on or all off in the emotions department. It's hard for me to do things halfway. It's all fine to say I'm trying to be a functioning human being for other people but at the same time, it makes it a constant effort not to kill myself every time the emotional dam breaks and everything comes flooding to the surface. So, usually, it's easier to just turn it off. Everything off. That way, maybe I don't have random outbursts in front of other people. Maybe I won't start bawling over the smallest things at work. Maybe I won't fly off the handle into complete rage over nothing. Maybe I won't think about suicide for eighteen to twenty three hours of every single day. The pros outweigh the cons most days. Sure, i don't feel anything, but I don't feel anything. I don't have to deal with any drama because I don't have any to deal with. The only downside, really, is when I'm trying to be emotionally attached to a certain guy and I'm making a effort to be an actual person with him and I slip up. Some times it trickles in. Some times it comes in like a very unwelcome tsunami. All the feels that we don't want: the depression, the self-hatred, the paranoia, they all come flooding back
kind of like that old friend you haven't seen in years but haven't necessarily missed all that much. And honestly, I'd trade all of that for complete and utter apathy any day.
I like to think that I've gotten pretty good at hiding it from others. Fake it till you make it might as well be my life's motto.