I rolled my eyes as Leif slid into the passenger side and neatly plucked the cigarette from my fingers, leaving his skateboard outside. He took a drag and handed it back, blowing the smoke out of his nose.

"What the fuck, dude," I said mildly, which was not at all how I felt. I was too mad to cry, too tired to yell. My shoulders were locked from tension. "Give me the short version."

He sighed but obliged. "She was on the expedition."

"Yeah, kinda figured that." Caleb had been gone for ten months on an archaeological dig across the country from our home state of California. "How trite is that, seriously." I couldn't believe it. He was nothing if not loyal. Or so I'd thought for the eighteen years I'd known him.

"Sorry, I know. It's beyond shitty. I've been pissed." He was gloomy, but he did gloomy well because he was emo as hell.

At least someone was loyal. I punched his arm, but gently. "You didn't even tell me. How long have you known?"

He stole the cigarette again, shifting his long body. "I was trying to tell you when she came in," he pointed out. "He told me the night before last, on the phone. Asking me for advice and shit, if you can imagine that. Then she showed up at the house last night. I guess they were supposed to meet at nine, after he talked to you; he obviously didn't answer his phone."

"I can't believe this," I said. I smoked when it was my turn and picked at the red polish on my fingernail. "I'm really just, I can't."

He rubbed his face. "He's an asshole," he said, uncharacteristically. Everyone was an asshole in Leif's eyes. Except for his twin, who always got leeway. And me. "He didn't even tell her about you."

I was flabbergasted. "What? Like, at all?"

He drew in the dust on the dash, aimless circles and swirls. "Not until right before he called me."

"Pretty convenient for him to be in a coma right now," I fumed. I mostly meant it. How dare he do this to us.

He dangled his elbow out the window, then reached to adjust the mirror a tiny bit. A tiny yellow spider had a web there and he poked at it without hurting it. "He said he loves her, Tug. Like that."

Well, wasn't that precious. "God." I handed him the cigarette. "Does this mean they've been fucking and everything?" I picked at the steering wheel. "He should have just told me, I could have handled it."

We both knew this was true.

"It's shitty," he said again, shaking his head. "You want me to tell her to leave or how should I handle this?"

"Fuck, I don't know. I don't know."

At that moment I saw the automatic doors open and spit her out. She looked around, shading her eyes.

"She's not seriously coming over here," I said.

But she was.

"Great," he said under his breath when he saw.

"Fuck this," I said, taking the last of the cigarette and opening the door. I stood up and waved my arm to get her attention, my heart racing. "Hey," I called. "Looking for me? I'm sure you want to try to explain or some shit?"

Leif didn't bother trying to stop me. He just watched, probably wishing he had popcorn with jalapeños.

She came toward us, hesitation all over her. Then determination took over. "Can we please just talk, for a minute?"

I took the last drag and dropped the filter, grinding it out with my flip flop. I blew the smoke out as she got close, refraining from aiming it at her face. "Were you guys sleeping together?"

"No," she said, her cheeks pink. At least she'd stopped crying. "No, we haven't done that." The implied yet hung in the air between us. The fact that he loved her like that, without even having slept with her, stung more than the rest for some reason.

"I didn't even know about you," she went on, as if this made it better. Her face was dusted with very faint freckles. "Until two nights ago."

"Great, so he never talked about the person he's been with for ten years and is supposed to marry in a few months. Right. Much better, thanks." I was beyond reason.

Her face crumpled. She sank to the ground, cross-legged, just like that. "This is so fucked," she said into her hands, and then cried in the middle of the parking lot.

Seeing her grief made my heart hurt and my eyes burn. I looked at Leif.

He shrugged like What do you expect me to do?

I glared at him and he got out too with a huge sigh. "Hey," he said halfheartedly, standing by her. Blond roots peeped from his black hair. He clearly wished he was anywhere else, which I found extremely relatable.

I started to nudge her with my foot, but he shook his head like You can't do that. I rolled my eyes but put my hand under her elbow and tugged. "Get up," I said firmly. "You're getting your pretty shirt all oily and shit."

She may have been the enemy but I couldn't watch her sit and fucking cry in the parking lot; I had a sickening conscience that I hated soundly. Never more so than at that moment.

She stood obligingly and I opened the back door on the passenger side and deposited her inside. I didn't want her in the front of the car, in my space. He and I got back in and I turned so I could see her. "Go ahead, talk."

She sniffled and used the bottom of her cardigan to wipe her face again. She pulled a travel pack of Kleenex out of her purple purse and delicately blew her nose, then wrapped the used ones in a fresh tissue and put it in a side pocket.

For all the loveliness, I noticed the bitten nails, two of which were bleeding as they had been chewed below the quick. Her jeans were threadbare at the knees and seams. Her pink toenail polish was chipped. "Why didn't he tell me about you to begin with?" she asked in a small voice, not looking at either of us.

I felt my eyebrows go up, and Leif put a hand on my knee and patted twice to calm me. "I mean, that's kind of the big question, isn't it?" I found my pack of cigarettes and lit one. I usually only had a few a day and had been aiming at quitting, but go figure. Maybe something to do with all the stress. "Lucky for him, he's in a coma and doesn't have to deal with any of this." My sarcasm was strong, as usual.

She met my eyes, and I swear to God she was reproachful. "You can really say that right now?"

I snorted, feeling bitter and righteous and mean. "I've known him for most of my life. You've known him for what, ten months? Yeah, I'll for sure say whatever the hell I want about him, thanks. To his face, too, were he awake."

Leif gestured for me to smoke so I could settle down. Fat chance. But I took a drag anyway.

"Sorry," she muttered.

I had to ask. "How long were you guys together?"

She didn't want to answer. "Almost nine and a half months," she kind of muttered.

"Wow," I said. "Just fucking wow." All the times I'd talked to him, all the texts, lies.

She bit her nail, practically drooling over my cigarette. "I know this is awful, but can I possibly bum . . . ?"

"Seriously?" I shook my head, then offered her the pack. "Sure, go ahead. I mean, you already borrowed my fiance. Let's not interrupt the pattern."

She made a face but her nicotine desire won over all else and she took a cigarette. I handed back the lighter with an exaggerated sigh and she used it. "I didn't know about you. I would never have become involved with him if I had. I swear, I'm not that kind of person."

God, that made Caleb look like such an asshole that I actually felt embarrassed. "I believe you," I said truthfully; that's what he'd told Leif. "But didn't you ask him why he hadn't told you?"

"He had no answer." She smoked and tried to roll down the window. I turned the key forward momentarily so she could. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I can't wrap my mind around this, any of this."

"No," I agreed. "Me neither." I glanced at him. "How about you? Any twin insights?"

He put two fingers up and I placed the cigarette there. "He's a douchebag?" he offered. "I don't know what he was thinking. I can't imagine him not mentioning you. Since you're kind of life, and all." He looked sideways at her. "No offense. But 'CalebandMary' is like a household name in this town."

I rested my forehead on the steering wheel until the cigarette appeared in my peripherals. I sat back up and took it, focusing on her again. "So you guys are in love or whatever?"

Her lower lip trembled and she bit it, hard from the looks of it. Still tears spilled from her eyes.

Jesus. I wasn't trying to make her cry more; I just wanted some answers.

"I don't know what to say," she said, going for the Kleenex again. "I don't know how much of it was a lie now, how much was a game."

Leif and I exchanged a look because we had the same thought in response to that. "I doubt it was a game," I said reluctantly.

She looked up at me with hope, which was understandable as no one wanted to be used, but I still had to hold back on slapping her. "Caleb isn't like that. He probably met you, had feelings, they got stronger, and here we are." I shrugged but damn. It hurt. Head radio was playing Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage. Sometimes I wished it had a mute button or wasn't quite so apt.

"He wouldn't have kept it up this long if he wasn't serious," Leif told her, almost in a whisper, as if that would keep me from hearing this truth.

I jerked a thumb at him like He's right. And just like that, I realized it was over. For the first time since I could basically remember, I was no longer part of a we. I was just I. She was his we now.

Fuck, I would have to cancel so much stuff for the wedding. Tell people. God, tell people. What would I say.

"I'd actually like to just go home now," I said suddenly, because I was going to cry and it was not going to be in front of her. "Maybe we could all get together later and chat about this some more but for now, I'm done."

She got it. She opened the door and stepped out. "I'm really sorry. I'm just going to, can I, would it be okay to stay a while? Or if I come back later? Or do you . . . ?"

"Sure, just do whatever you want," I said, not that nicely, and she waited another second but shut the door. "Go," I told Leif, my eyes stinging. "Find out more."

He squeezed my knee in solidarity and got out too.

I drove the short distance home. My crow sat on the edge of the roof, and gave me a proper scolding when I got out. Then, because he was too happy to see me to keep up the anger routine, he swooped down and landed with a thump on my shoulder, pulling my hair as he did so. He crooned in my ear and smoothed my hair with his beak.

"Hi, crazy nut bird," I told him. "You crazy cuckoo, probably coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs bird." We went in the house and the silence was immediately soothing. I liked being alone. Caleb was so familiar to me that when we were together it wasn't even like sharing my space with another person. Not that it mattered now.

The bird flew to the top of the fridge and I took one of my muscle relaxers, which had no psychoactive effect, but helped with the tension and pain. Next I got out a package of Cheetos. We were Cheetos addicts. Any kind of junk food addicts.

I settled in on my extra-comfortable couch and Poe joined me. He was an incredibly smart bird I had saved as a fledgling, and he even toileted outside or in the bathroom. He came and went as he pleased, but usually stayed.

I ate and tried not to think about the stranger who had inadvertently ruined my life.

songs in this chapter:

Bullet With Butterfly Wings (Smashing Pumpkins)