I fucking hate it,
The confliction,
But being so sure,
I'm so caught up in myself,
I can't see who I'm supposed to be,
Keep praying to God,
Hoping that I'm who I'm supposed to be,
I hate myself for it,
But couldn't love myself any other way,
I fall so hard,
When someone goes and says that name,
I fucking die inside,
And I go off an hide,
Deep inside myself,
The self I can't wait to be,
The self I can't stand to admit,
It makes me cry,
And want to tear this skin to bits,
Give me a blade and I'll remove it myself,
The pain I feel,
Tell myself everyone's happier this way,
But I can't stand the choking,
When they reference me,
Why can't I just be fucking normal,
Oh good God,
Why have you curse me so,
The pain that's just a little too much,
Why don't they notice the pain that ignites,
And the confusion,
I feel,
I'm torn in both directions,
I'm so uncomfortable,
I'm hurting so bad,
I can make them happy,
And lose myself,
Forever lost in pain,
I stay up so many nights,
Struggling just to keep myself alive,
Because I hate what I've always been,
And yet I can't be any different.
Night after night,
I crash so hard and soak the pillow all the way through,
But I don't dare let go,
Knowing if I do it's to reach for the blade,
And cut it away,
And shatter and scar myself even more,
I can't stand it,
How can I be excepted,
And I can barely except myself?
I keep on living this lie,
Crying myself to sleep,
Knowing I can't be anything else.
-Joshua Banks JJAJ