My fear is all that's keeping you alive

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- Memories -

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When Taehyung had first started college, it became incredibly clear how stressful it would be. There were numerous classes a day, each assigned their own thick textbook with chapters that needed to be covered daily. There were notes that needed to be scribbled and memorized.

And then there was the studying. Taehyung spent countless hours doing that. From the minute he arrived home, he was shoving his nose in one of the many textbooks, eyes shifting over the black printed text. His surroundings were forgotten whenever he studied.

The irony of it all was that it never seemed to matter how much Taehyung studied. Being a perfectionist meant that his roommate took everything far too seriously. He needed to be the best of the best, and anything besides that wasn't good enough.

Taehyung could spend days studying the material in his textbooks. He could have covered the entire book from cover to cover, and somehow it was never enough.

The classes were just that difficult and the material Taehyung needed to cover never seemed to end. Day after day, he would follow that same routine. Studying became the only priority.

Jungkook remembered watching Taehyung sit on the couch, drowning out everything around him as his eyes raked over the words printed in the textbook. He remembered watching the dark circles under Taehyung's eyes appear, and then they only got darker over time.

The sad part about it all was that he could never do anything to help Taehyung. He couldn't study the material for him or take the exams at the end of the semester. All he could do was sit and watch as his best friend drowned in stress and bad habits.

Perhaps that's why Jungkook grew to hate college. It wasn't because the courses were hard or the professors sucked. It was because he watched college ruin his best friend day by day, pushing him into a state he never wanted to see Taehyung in.

Perhaps that's why Jungkook feared the stress. He watched Taehyung succumb to it as the days pressed on, so determined to grasp the material and engrave it in his mind. That's all Taehyung began to care about: the material.

But in the end, maybe it wasn't college that made him angry or the stress that made him scared. Maybe it was the fact that all he could do was watch his best friend fall into a state like that. He could never do anything.

Taehyung drowned in stress, and as the semester would near the end, it only grew worse. As always, with stress came bad habits.

Jungkook hated remembering them - Taehyung's bad habits. The memories of them were always so clear, and with those memories brought the guilt. In a way, they haunted him.

So, he did everything he could to forget those memories. If it took pushing them to the back of his mind then so be it. He never wanted to remember watching Taehyung harm himself by losing sleep, overeating, and drinking too much caffeine.

For four months, Jungkook had forgotten about the bad habits. With everything that had impacted his life and turned it upside down, forgetting was easy. There was more to worry about, and the exhaustion he battled daily seemed to take over more than just his body.

But now, it was hard to forget those habits when they seemed to... come to life.

It started in the morning when Jungkook walked into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and start breakfast. The faint smell of brewing coffee was in the air, despite the coffee pot being off and unplugged from the wall.

He spun around, looking in the direction of the coffee pot, taking a deep breath as the scent of coffee filled his lungs. With each second that he stared at it, waiting for the light to turn on, it only seemed to get stronger.

There was nothing in the coffee pot. There was no water nor was there coffee. He had tossed out the coffee three months ago.

Jungkook had been so infuriated with everything that he almost destroyed the thing. He was so tempted to smash it against the tile, but what good would that have done? If he ruined the tile, the repairs would come out of his pocket. He didn't have that money.

Plus, as much as he hated the god forsaken thing for playing a part in ruining his roommate, he couldn't part with it. The memories of Taehyung standing by it, grinning from ear to ear and handing him a coffee mug were enough to stop him.

Even now, as he stood with his hips digging into the edge of the countertop, staring at the coffee pot that wasn't on, he could see the memories of Taehyung.

"Good morning, sleepyhead," Taehyung teased, pouring some creamer into the coffee mug, glancing over his shoulder at him as he walked into the kitchen. His eyes were still thick with sleepiness, but he smiled in return.

"How long have you been up?" Jungkook asked, covering his mouth as he yawned.

There was a hum to fill the temporary silence as Taehyung poured another cup of coffee into the second mug on the countertop. "Not too long. Probably thirty minutes."

Taehyung turned around, his hazel eyes beaming with delight as he handed Jungkook the steaming cup of coffee. "Careful," Taehyung murmured gently. "It's hot."

He rolled his eyes, but he listened anyway. That's the way Taehyung was. Always caring for others, worrying about their well-being. Everyone else came before himself.

When the steam had subsided slightly, he pressed the mug to his lips and took a small sip. It was hot against his tongue, but the flavor made him smile. Taehyung was good at preparing coffee. Honestly, he could picture Taehyung becoming a barista.

"Good?" Taehyung asked, searching for that reassurance to fuel his pride. But Jungkook gave it to him anyway.

"Of course," he deadpanned, smiling like an idiot. "I've told you countless times before, Tae."

All Taehyung did was smile. He wouldn't deny it or tease him, but perhaps that was because it was still early and they were both tired. "What can I say?" He grinned. "Coffee is my specialty."

He blinked away the memory, watching as the picture of Taehyung standing by the counter, holding a cup of coffee in his hand, vanished from his mind. Yet the smell of freshly brewed coffee was still as strong and determined to stay.

"No," he whispered, pressing his palm to his forehead. As if that would erase the memories. "Why now?"

The glass of water he was about to drink went unnoticed behind him. "Why now?" He questioned again, speaking to no one but himself.

He had forgotten about the bad habits for nearly four months. They had been erased from his mind. So, why? Why were they suddenly coming back?

His fist closed around his hair, messy brown locks intertwined with his fingers. He tugged, but the pain didn't seem to register. Not when his mind was a mess, sifting through the memories again.

His eyes redirected from the counter, hoping that if he looked away then the memory would disappear. But things were never that easy, and despite his silent pleas, the memory came.

"Taehyung?" He called out, leaning against the wall as he peered into the kitchen. Sure enough, Taehyung was by the coffee pot, brewing another cup of coffee. How many did this make?

The dark circles under his eyes were so profound it was shocking. How much had Taehyung been sleeping? Jungkook hardly saw him these days.

"Hey, Taehyung," he called again, pressing a foot against the tile, hand lingering on the wall as he walked into the kitchen. Taehyung looked at him, eyes drained of their usual delight. They were hazel but dull. Staring into them didn't ignite that same happiness it once did.

"Oh," Taehyung said, clearing his throat, "what's up?"

It didn't sound like him. It didn't sound like the Taehyung he knew. His voice was hoarse and something about him seemed overly distant. Not to mention the fact that Taehyung's hands were trembling. Was that from the caffeine?

"Tae," he whispered, watching his roommate pour the coffee into a cup, "don't you think that's enough? How many have you had?"

His words didn't reach Taehyung. He knew that deep within him, but he didn't want to accept that. There had to be something that would snap him out of it. What he was doing to himself to cope with the stress wasn't good.

He watched Taehyung bring the cup to his lips and nearly gulp one-fourth of it down. "Sorry, what?" He asked.

"This isn't good for you!" He cried out, the worry making his voice crack.

Taehyung looked at him then, hazel eyes staring deep into his own. For a second, he swore he could see his best friend pleading for help, but that look was gone a second later. "It's fine."

"Taehyung, please-"

"Just try and understand, Jungkook!" Taehyung shouted, pushing past him and walking back toward his room.

"I'm just looking out for you, Taehyung!" He shouted in return, staring at his roommate as he reached his bedroom door.

"I'm fine!" Taehyung yelled, fingers wrapping around the doorknob. "Just leave me alone!"

He could still hear the sound of the door slamming behind him as he blinked again, vision blurring with fresh tears. Why was he remembering all of this now? He had forgotten about it. He had... he had forgotten.

The kitchen itself felt like a nightmare he had been sucked into. Everything about the room felt constricting. Maybe it was the rush of emotions that invaded him which made it difficult to breathe, or maybe it was just the room. Who knew anymore?

The coffee scent was so strong it made his head hurt. He needed to leave the room before he broke down in tears. He needed to go somewhere else before everything came crashing back into him, shaking him to his core, and making him sob.

He left the kitchen, completely forgetting about the glass of water he poured himself a few minutes ago. Had it been a few minutes, or had it been an hour? He couldn't tell.

There was too much in his mind to fully pay attention to his surroundings. The blurry vision certainly didn't help either. His eyes stung with the fresh tears that threatened to escape.

He was standing in the living room, trying to shake off the haunting memories. As if they were on his shoulders, gripping onto his shirt. As if he could just dust them off and step on them.

For a moment, he thought it was over. The scent of brewing coffee was gone. As soon as he left the kitchen, it disappeared. But as he blinked away the tears and took a deep breath, he noticed the bags of opened Skittles on the coffee table and couch.

His heart nearly stopped.

"So, you like Skittles, huh?" Jungkook asked, struggling to hold back a smile when he saw the empty Skittles bags littered all over Taehyung's room. He seemed to carry them everywhere.

Taehyung just rolled his eyes, popping a yellow Skittle into his mouth. "And if I do?"

He took a seat on the edge of Taehyung's bed, fingers tracing over the textbook cover. "Nothing wrong with it. I just think you might have an addiction."

He grinned at his roommate, studying his features that were masked with fake annoyance. It was a dumb question, really. He had known Taehyung took a liking to the candy back in high school. Considering Taehyung always carried some in his bag.

"Not my fault they taste so good," Taehyung whined, grabbing a fistful of Skittles and forcing them into his mouth.

"Woah. Relax, your Skittles aren't going anywhere, Tae." But of course, Taehyung was convinced they'd disappear if he didn't eat them fast enough. It was strange, really. Hilarious, but strange.

He laughed as Taehyung emptied another bag, chewing on the Skittles. He could hear the faint crunch of the candy before they turned into a giant clump that got stuck to his teeth.

"If you love them that much, I'll start buying them for you every time I go out," Jungkook said, voicing that promise into the space between them.

Taehyung's eyes sparkled with joy, and he smiled through the mouthful of Skittles.

Skittles. They were Taehyung's favorite candy. Jungkook always joked about them being Taehyung's addiction, but in the end, they most likely were.

The tears he tried to suppress broke through the barrier, spilling over his waterline and cascading down his cheeks. He couldn't stop them, even if he tried to think of something else. Once the memories started, they didn't seem to end.

Jungkook walked around the couch, taking a seat and staring at the empty bags of Skittles. The Skittles he bought for Taehyung before everything went south.

He never broke his promise. Everytime he went to the store, he always came back with new bags of Skittles to replace the old ones Taehyung was nearly finished with. And, of course, the sparkle in Taehyung's eyes was enough gratitude.

But now, staring at the bags laid out on the coffee table, all they brought was sadness. The joy he once held whenever giving Taehyung a new bag of candy was gone, and instead it was replaced with sadness and a sense of longing.

When the stress got worse and worse, Skittles weren't the only thing Taehyung ate constantly. It started with candy, but it grew into food. And before Jungkook really knew it, Taehyung was eating way too much to cope with the stress of the exams.

He didn't even know how they got on the coffee table, but it didn't even matter. Not when the guilt he was trying to push aside was returning, consuming him and making his tears fall faster. Sniffles turned into sobs.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling the fresh tears stream down his cheeks and drip from his chin. He was. He was sorry. He was sorry about everything, about not doing more, about not being able to save him.

He buried his face in his trembling hands, letting the sobs shake his whole body. There was nothing he could do, and that hurt more than not doing enough. All he could do was watch Taehyung harm himself because he couldn't take that stress away.

He couldn't learn the material for him, and he couldn't take the exams in his place. Taehyung had to do that. But still, why hadn't he stopped him from the bad habits? Why hadn't he thrown away the coffee sooner, or stopped buying Taehyung the junk food he asked for?

He bit down on his bottom lip in a poor attempt to silence his loud sobs, but it didn't work.

He knew why he kept doing it. He knew why he didn't stop buying Taehyung the things he wanted. It was because he was deprived of the color in Taehyung's eyes, the sparkle in his irises, and the delight upon his face. He longed to see Taehyung happy. And for a few moments after giving him more junk food, he saw that sparkle and the color.

That's why he never stopped. Even when he should have.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed, bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them tightly. "I'm so, so sorry."

In the end, there was nothing to be done. There was nothing Jungkook's pleas could do. Because Taehyung was gone.

All he was left with was guilt.

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Who is messing with Jungkook?

What are they trying to achieve?

We purple you💜

~Pisanthrophobia.