You love me just enough so I won't leave

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- Threads -

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A part of Jungkook wondered what went wrong all those months ago. Had it just been college, or was there more to push Taehyung over the edge? On the surface, Taehyung looked perfectly fine. He always did. There wasn't a trace of imperfection anywhere on him.

Beneath the surface was a web of flaws and problems that only seemed to weave deeper and deeper, intricate strings that wrapped around Taehyung so tight it eventually took complete control of him. Like a marionette puppet, Taehyung's mind controlled everything, even his actions.

Thinking about it, Jungkook knew that nobody could see Taehyung's strings, except himself. He saw the strings, but Jungkook wasn't sure if he did anything to detach from them. He wasn't even sure if Taehyung could have done so.

In his heart, Jungkook knew Taehyung tried his best to steer away from becoming a puppet to his own mind, but when you're surrounded by darkness, there aren't many paths to follow. He understood that now, and he couldn't help but wonder: was this what Taehyung dealt with?

Was Taehyung surrounded by a pit of endless darkness, unable to find the light peering at him, twinkling like glimmers of hope? That had to have been the case, right? Otherwise, Taehyung would have kept fighting, and he would have won.

He couldn't blame him. Now that Jungkook understood the helplessness that came with the darkness, he couldn't blame Taehyung for giving in. In all honesty, it was nearly impossible not to. With no path to see, it felt like there was no reason to walk.

Still, had college been the only factor, or was there more beneath the surface, woven in the intricate webs that controlled him? He honestly had no clue. His guess could only go so far. Jungkook wished he knew; he wished he had found out before it was too late.

Could he have done anything? Could he have saved Taehyung from himself? Even if he knew what troubled him, what killed him day by day, could he have made enough of a difference to keep him here? He wasn't sure.

There was a huge part of him that said it wouldn't have mattered, even if he did know what Taehyung battled each and every day. Taehyung was his best friend for over two years, but there were things Jungkook knew nothing about. Things Taehyung kept to himself until the very end.

Regardless of that, he made the effort to be there. He was there. He tried everything to make Taehyung believe there was hope for the future, that the rain never lingered in one place for too long. He played his part, but that could only go so far in the end.

The sad truth was that it didn't seem to be enough. Otherwise, Taehyung would have been here, passing those exams with flying colors and excelling through college like he always did. Yet, he wasn't.

Jungkook knew about his mental health, how it wasn't in the best of places, and even when it was, it never stayed that way for long enough. He was aware of it, so he tried his best to help in any way he could, given his inexperience on the topic.

What he never knew was why. Why had Taehyung's mental health been so poor? What were the causes of it? What affected him so badly he couldn't find the way out if it? Not for long enough, anyway. He could never understand.

Until now.

Jungkook released a shaky exhale, staring at the white ceiling above him, fingers tracing over the soft fabric of the blanket draped over his chest. His chocolate eyes were dull, lazily shifting over the ceiling, occasionally glancing at the posters on his wall.

He wondered why Taehyung never reached out to him. Was there something keeping him from seeking help? They were best friends. He would have offered his life if it meant saving Taehyung's, but that was impossible.

He wanted so desperately to just know why. Why he did it, why he didn't confide in him, why things turned out the way they did. He just wanted to understand what went wrong all those months ago.

For a moment, Jungkook wondered if he ever would.

The tears that welled in his eyes went unnoticed as his mind succumbed to the endless thoughts of Taehyung and the situation he was facing now. He didn't notice them until they were streaming down his cheeks, dripping from his earlobe, and wetting the pillow case.

That just seemed to happen every time he thought of Taehyung, but could he truly be blamed for it? He missed him. Taehyung was the first person he had fully opened up to; the first friend he formed a strong bond with.

His eyes lingered on the ceiling, shifting back and forth endlessly as the tears continued to stream like waterfalls. He made no effort to wipe them away, not when they'd just fall again, and again, and again.

Was it selfish for him to want Taehyung back, even when he knew his roommate was battling depression? Was it selfish to want to see Taehyung, even if it meant dealing with the bad habits again? He thought it was, but how was he supposed to help that? He was human too.

He watched the rain drizzle against his bedroom window, mimicking his tears as they streamed from the top of the glass down to the bottom, zigzagging. He was supposed to be resting and healing from the incident that reshaped his entire life, but how could he see the positive when the weather was just so gloomy?

There was only so much that could lift his spirits, and the rain surely wasn't one of them.

Jungkook never thought he'd admit it, but he wanted to go back to work. At least then, he wouldn't dwell on everything. He wouldn't think about what happened and how it could have been prevented. He wouldn't guilt trip himself into believing everything was his fault.

Perhaps working, even through the exhaustion, had its benefits. Still though, how much could he prolong thinking about it? Not too long, he assumed.

"Why'd you do it?" He asked, reaching for the ceiling, knowing well enough his fingers would land nowhere near it. "Why did you leave me, Taehyung?"

The sobs were so close to escaping, hiccups already building up in his throat. He wanted to know why. Why didn't Taehyung seek help? Why didn't Taehyung confide in him? Why didn't Taehyung let him in, after everything he did to help him?

His questions went unanswered, as did all of them. It was pointless to even ask, but he wanted to know, and it was worth a shot. What did he have to lose anymore? After he lost the one person who meant the world to him, nothing else mattered.

He turned over, pulling the blanket up until it covered his face. The tears were never-ending, as always. Whenever they started to fall, they usually never stopped. The only exception to that was when he fell asleep. It granted him peace, even if it was only briefly.

So, that's what Jungkook did. He closed his eyes, wrapping himself in the blanket and attempting to calm the tears that wet his pillowcase. The sobs were hard to contain, but he swallowed each of them, breathing heavily in response to the tears.

It didn't take long for him to slowly lose consciousness, his mind falling silent as the thoughts and questions scattered like leaves in the wind. The tears dried against his reddened cheeks, and his stiff body slowly relaxed into the soft mattress.

When he finally gave in to the darkness, allowing his mind to drift off into the world of dreams, he bathed in tranquility, easing away from the worries of reality.

But how foolish of him to think that sleep would shield his mind away from the one who followed him everywhere. Every thought, every memory, every wonder.

Taehyung was always there, even in his dreams.

***

He was in the living room, standing in the same place the couch would have been in. There was something weighing on him, pushing down on his shoulders, slouching his posture. He wasn't quite sure what it was, but it was uncomfortable.

Standing in the living room, surrounded by nothing, confused him. Where was the couch, and the TV, and the sound system? Nothing was here. Every piece of furniture he and Taehyung bought was gone.

Had someone broken in?

It took more effort than he thought to shift his gaze away from the hardwood floors. When he found the front door, he was surprised to find it closed. Even the lock was clicked, meaning no one had broken in. But where was the furniture?

His whole body felt heavy and tired, just trying to turn his head to look around was harder than it needed to be. Why did he feel this way? Like his bones were heavier than before, resulting in his limbs barely being able to move. He felt slow and sluggish.

"Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to just... leave?"

He spun around as fast as he could, jolting with surprise at his voice. He nearly tripped over his own feet, losing his balance for a second. But his attention wasn't on any of that, it was on him.

He was standing there, leaning against the wall with his head hung low. Jungkook couldn't see his face, but the dark locks were enough to let him know who this was. Not to mention the voice, deep and soothing.

Taehyung.

"What?" His voice came out on his own, fleeing through his parted lips with no restraint. As if he wasn't fully in control of his own body.

"Y'know, just leave this world. Have you ever wondered what it'd be like? What awaits us on the other side - if there is one." He blinked, still dumbstruck by the fact that Taehyung was standing in front of him.

But he looked so... different. Was this really him? The Taehyung he knew?

"Uh- well, it's crossed my mind. Why- why are you asking?" He stuttered, eyebrows furrowing with confusion. Reality wasn't on his mind, not when his best friend was standing feet away from him.

Taehyung shrugged, lifting his head ever so slightly. Jungkook caught sight of the dark circles under his eyes, the extremely pale skin, and the tiredness in his eyes. "I'm just wondering," Taehyung mumbled, pushing himself off the wall and taking his hands out of his sweatpants pockets.

They were standing face to face, staring at one another. It made him freeze, body going deadly still and stiff as his breath caught in his throat. "Maybe the other side would be better. There would be nothing to worry about, right? Nothing to dwell over."

It sounded like him. It sounded so much like him that it was hard to pay attention to the actual meaning of his words. He hadn't heard Taehyung's voice in ages. It was easy to drift away from the main focus.

"I think..." Taehyung whispered, staring directly into his eyes. "I think it might be time."

"Time for what?" He asked in a hushed whisper, fingers twitching anxiously against his sides. He wanted to reach out and grab him. He wanted to pull him in for a tight hug and never let go, but his body wasn't working like he wanted it to.

When Taehyung smiled at him, his heart nearly leaped out of his chest, and right into Taehyung's hands. "Time for me to find out about the other side."

The other side.

He blinked, staring at Taehyung's hazel eyes as they glistened with fresh tears. His parted lips twitched, itching to respond, but the words weren't there.

The phone, it was ringing. Taehyung's phone was ringing. He watched him pull his phone out from his right pocket, glancing at the caller for only a moment before he answered.

Jungkookie.

His eyes widened, jaw falling slack with terror. "Hello?" Taehyung asked, holding the phone away from his face, pressing on the speaker button.

"Taehyung, hey." That was his voice. But... how? He was standing right in front of Taehyung. How could... how could he be calling him through the phone if... if he was standing in front of Taehyung.

He glanced around, sucking in a sharp breath. They weren't in the living room anymore. They were in a room - Taehyung's room. He recognized this room instantly. The messy bed with several blankets on it, the thousands of Skittles bags over his furniture, the textbooks, and his laptop on the desk.

"Jungkook? Are you alright?" His attention shifted, the words ringing a bell somewhere in the back of his mind. Where had he heard that exact same phrase before, with that exact same tone?

"Yeah, just cold. Classes were cancelled, and, well, it's pouring."

No. His head shook back and forth, fingers shaking against his sides. No. This couldn't be. No- there was no way!

That day. It was... it was that day.

"You're stuck, aren't you?" Taehyung laughed. His laugh. His voice. The liveliness in his question. The teasing. It was too much.

"Taehyung!" He shouted, reaching out for his roommate. His heart was thundering, panic sparking in his veins.

But he couldn't touch Taehyung. His hand went right through him, almost like he wasn't even real. Taehyung didn't hear him. Taehyung didn't even look his way.

"Please!" He cried, trying to grab onto Taehyung's arm, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. He couldn't get his attention. Could Taehyung even see him anymore?

He watched as Taehyung continued to talk on the phone, standing up from his bed and walking toward the bathroom. His whole body froze, staring at his best friend from his bedroom.

"Thank you," Taehyung whispered softly, "for everything. You've been such an amazing best friend."

No! He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry as he watched Taehyung walk into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. But it didn't close all the way. It was still open, slightly ajar. Enough for him to see the tile.

Taehyung!

His voice wasn't working, not anymore. He was a spectator to someone else's life - someone else's memory. He was in the bathroom now, watching Taehyung stare down at his own hands. They were trembling.

Taehyung! Please! Stop this!

He couldn't hear him. Not even as he tried to grab his hands and take his attention away from everything. He kept screaming and crying, trying to get Taehyung to look his way. But he couldn't. His attempts were useless.

"I love..." He didn't hear him. His voice was fading away, and Jungkook was being pulled somewhere else.

No! Taehyung!

No! Please!

Taehyung!

He jolted awake with a scream, fresh tears spilling from his swollen eyes as he sprang up from his bed, tossing the blankets away from him. He was sweating. His whole body was drenched in a layer of sweat, making his clothes stick to his body.

He was freezing, though. His body was trembling and his hands were as cold as ice.

He put his face in his hands, feeling the tears wet his palms as he tried to shake off the nightmare. But it wasn't working. Not when everything was still so fresh in his mind.

Taehyung. Why? Why did he have to see that? Why did he have to relive it?

"Why?" He cried, lips quivering as he sat back down on his bed, hunched over. The tears were violent, shaking his frightened body and sucked the energy out of him. "Why, Taehyung? Why did you have to go?"

He looked up from his hands, tears blurring his vision. "Was I not enough?" He whispered through his sobs, closing his eyes to clear the blurriness.

When he reopened them, the first thing he did was stare at his hands. He had been so close to saving him in his nightmare. He was right there... but he still couldn't.

His hands were shaking. His slender fingers were trembling so badly, even as he closed them into a fist.

"I could have..." he whispered brokenly. "I could have saved you."

He wanted to close his eyes, but every time he did that, he saw Taehyung behind his closed eyelids, staring at him. He couldn't bear it. Not right now. Not when the nightmare was still so fresh in his mind it hurt.

He pressed his palms into the mattress, getting ready to push himself up and head to the kitchen to grab some water. He needed to clear his mind before this got the best of him. Before it started eating him alive.

But when his eyes fell upon the doorway, his body froze, and his swollen eyes widened. The fear filled his chocolate irises, chapped lips parting open.

Standing in the doorway was a shadow of a person.

And it seemed to be staring right at him.

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Poor Jungkook ):

What really contributed to Taehyung's death?

We purple you💜

~Pisanthrophobia.