Hello everyone!

This was a piece I wrote a while back which I did not share with you all. It's quite selfish to keep such hidden right? 😉

Do enjoy!

But remember to preach the right words

No to violence
No to rape
No to suicide

I sat in front of what seemed to be my last dinner smiling like a lunatic. It was indeed amusing what my life had resulted to. This stage of my life could simply be compared to a rubber band in the hands of child,being stretched again and again, the pressure building up on every side till finally it snaps.

It is quite funny in a way or is it the verb "snap" that makes it amusing? In plain words it meant I was broken, maybe that is even an understatement. I was crushed! Trod upon! Abandoned! To the world I was worthless!

That hysterical laughter ensued once again backed up with heavy expulsion of ocular fluids. It had become so easy to laugh over my misfortunes to bare my teeth as I thought of my stupidity. It was me still holding on to the saying "laughter is the pain medicine", it was me requesting an overdose to quell the massive turmoil that wreaked havoc like avalanches and hurricanes deep down in my heart and soul.

"He had told me that my heavy expulsion of ocular fluids were just pretentious acts" No wonder I sounded so smart, for a while I thought my dumb brain had formed the words!

He called me an actress! Wasn't that a big plus to my blank resume in life. The tears flowed like a river once more and I laughed. A hard throaty laugh, holding on to that hope that the pain would subside.

God had abandoned me, the truth I discovered so early in my life. Oh it burned my eyes when I read about Him being merciful! My heart cringed each time I was told to come to His so called house. The mockery in the eyes of some of his servants when they passed judgements on me already gave me a hint of what He would say to me, with my dressing I was already condemned . If He was so good and merciful as they claimed would I be in this situation?

Not only had my father abandoned me, I was raised by a mother who I repulsed. There's so much peace and quiet I suddenly notice. No students around to blast music, no smokers generously puffing enough smoke from their cigarettes in to the air that'll dissipate into rooms. The caretaker seemed to be nowhere too. Wasn't he so intent on making my life miserable with his constant judgmental remarks about my appearance? Where had he gone when I was about to end it!

Where were my friends Nasa and Glory? How come they didn't want to bicker about their boyfriends and life today? They were my friends yet they couldn't see beneath the fake smiles and the pretence. Maybe it was because they assumed that I was always Okay. Who would blame them? Was I ever anybody's responsibility?.

Where was funny Chibuike? Wasn't he as hungry as he always used to be? Didn't he want to disturb me with his deep baritone requesting for food anymore? I could remember how I laughed the last time when he said
"Abeg! Even if na the bottom part just give me like that make ị scrape am. Local man dey H!"

It was quite a show, watching him scrape my pot and eating even the burnt part of rice because he was hungry and didn't cook.

Where was my mother? I had always thought children had bonds with their mothers. But maybe mine was severed irreparably when she saw my face and what was left of it was destroyed when she found out that I was dumb. I had been called stupid and dumb so many times by mother that I even believed it. It would be hard to convince me that stupid wasn't my second name.

Oh! The laughter escaped my throat again as her voice resounded in my head"You don't know anything! Fool! Just manage to bag a degree and try your best to see if you won't end up like your cad of a father! "

" You only Passed waec because I paid for help! You are busy celebrating what? Graduation?"

" You couldn't even make up to 200 in jamb! Now I have to spend money because of an unfortunate product of a disastrous marriage! "

" You waste your time painting! Who earns a living in Nigeria with this useless thing! Why are you so stupid? " goosebumps crept onto my skin as I remembered that particular day. The day I actually brought one of my paintings of my mother's portrait as mother's day gift to her.

I looked at the other paintings in my room, the sketches and products of different shades of pencils and color.

Chibuike had once collected one of my works and told me he was using it to salvage his room from verisimilitude of the name
"Prison cell" I did not understand what he meant but I laughed anyway, I did think he meant he had no artwork in his room with the statement. He did call me talented, although I assumed it was because he wanted to attack my pot of spaghetti and geisha.

Chibuike was the only tolerable human specimen in my life, if that didn't mean something wrong. Despite the fact that he reduced the food I had to nothing, he was good company and did not see me in that judgemental way others viewed me.

He once told me "Never view people through colored lenses". It made me relinquish my sun shades to Glory. I smiled when I remembered him, maybe he was the only person who would miss me. Maybe I would miss seeing him in his grey shorts and what remained of a white singlet. I did always wonder why he stuck to only those clothes.

I turned to the notes that I had gotten from course mates, notes that I struggled to understand. Most of them didn't care that I didn't understand and most of them who saw how much I failed avoided me like plague. The few that smiled to me were those who wanted things from me. The keen sense of fashion, maybe that was why people judged me. The way I appeared, the look I relentlessly left for the world to see.

I couldn't tell mother I had failed, No!
It was like committing suicide before the actual one which I had meticulously planned. I opted to meet the course advisor, hoping, praying that he would help.

When he invited me over to his house, I went with all my savings. Money was the answer to all problems, wasn't it?

My body trembled as I remembered the horrible experience. The assault was etched in my mind and I saw his face every time! His spiteful words. I couldn't tell anyone, who would believe me? Wouldn't they think I was acting? Would they believe that I was assaulted and violated. The lecturers would even turn on me?

My life felt like being locked in a dark and gloomy room with the key tossed into the deepest parts of the ocean.

I finally saw a cure, a way to end the misery. Maybe the fire from hell could actually light up my darkness. It was a difficult choice to make. I had to choose between a bottle of the very popular sniper or a rope. I ended up going home with both because I couldn't choose.

There was no need making a note about happened to me. It was so cliché of suicides and I was somewhat uniquely worthless or worthlessly unique, whatever was suitable.

I had to give myself a great feast before giving up the breath of life. God had wasted one breath, there wasn't a use in keeping it any longer.

I laughed again before I dove into what remained of the food. I had a thorough bath and even applied makeup. Maybe if I didn't smell bad and actually looked good, devil would give me a suitable spot in hell. A spot where the very important persons were kept. Who knew maybe it wasn't as hot as other parts there. People had to have preferential treatment in hell.
Chubuike had once said "corruption go dey hell sef, Oga Satan fit dey do I. M Ima mmadụ"

I sprayed a generous amount of my perfume before making a noose and tying it to my fan. And yes I finally decided to go with the rope. I found it somewhat unfair to the family of rodents to also use the same thing that sent most of them to their early graves.

My chair was in position and so was my body. I gently slipped the noose over my head and it rested on my clavicle like a necklace. I smiled one last time as I stared at things in my room. At first I started having doubts, then mother's voice in my head motivated me. "You are worthless!"

I pushed the chair away and immediately the noose tightened around my neck like a terrified baby clung to his mother, slowly cutting off respiration as my body shook. I shook and gasped and fought in a way. Or was it the cells in my body fighting for forcefully being denied of oxygen? Even my dumb brain could not figure out the reason why my body shook. I looked up to the ceiling where it's white color was fading before my eyes and smirked. "I thought you were all powerful, can you stop this?" I questioned God with that same victorious grin displaying over my contorted reddened face.

Everything was according to plan, it was almost over. I was drowning in mid air , not until I heard that familiar baritone at the door. He pushed open the door with a huge smile that turned to horror in a matter of minutes.

He still wore the usual grey shorts and far from white singlet. He quickly grabbed a knife from my kitchen as I slipped into unconsciousness and hoisted himself up with that same chair I had pushed away. He cut me down with one slice.

One thought that ran through my mind as I collapsed in his arms were "I was indeed stupid!". Who commits suicide with their door open?

I couldn't recall what happened minutes after but I remembered waking up with a deep bruise and an excruciating pain on my neck. I opened my eyes to see Chibuike in those same outfits.

He gave me a smile and I smiled back. I averted my gaze suddenly embarrassed with what I had done. I was already racking my brain with what to explain to him and an expectancy to hear "what happened?"

Instead when he moved closer to my bed and held my hand. He uttered three words "I dey H"

I couldn't stop myself from laughing and crying at the same time. "Las Las you cook before you tie the rope? Local man dey H seriously"

He ran his hand around my face with a smile but his eyes did tell me he was terrified and concerned.

"What did you mean by salvaging my room from verisimilitude of the name
"Prison cell?" I asked

"That's a tush way of saying I am poor" He replied with another smile

I laughed, groaned and grunted but I felt different.

"Do you think I am worthless?" I asked hoping for something good for once.

"Yes, you are worthless" he replied

I was shocked "was mother right?"

"I think you are only worthless if you think you are worthless" he added

"I was asking you?"

"You don't need to ask me, no one needs to affirm that for you. You are the only person allowed to answer that question"

"I think I am"

"Then you are!"

Somehow I was offended with the way he said it. "what? Are you angry?"
He questioned
I nodded suddenly too tired to speak
"Then prove to yourself that you are not, not to anyone to yourself"

I had wanted to speak before I saw a calendar with a picture of Jesus smiling. It suddenly struck me" of course he was smiling because he stopped me from dying"

. Maybe he was indeed the all powerful. But did he need to rub it in by laughing. My eyes scanned the calendar and I saw "Come unto me, ye that are heavy ladened and I will give you rest"

"Typical"I thought to myself. Now he wants me to come to church. Even the salvation is not even free.

I turned to Chibuike "I am not worthless"

He smiled and patted my hand "Good because I Don dey plan on how I go chop your money alone. I sold your painting sha, babes you geh talent honestly. Besides cooking I dey tell you, if you open shop for all these ur arts you go blow"

I was elated with what he said "Mother's rejection had made me hide my work and now it was worth something"

"Chibuike you are not poor and I am not worthless. And I think I need to quit school. Only one of us has the brains for it, I'll show my worth through my paintings and you will describe them to the world through your words "

" You Don dey form motivational speaker abi! Like play now, you Wan make ị turn your art representative abi agent? "

" Yes"

"na 50-50 e go be o" he hinted and I laughed

"Las Las sef u no come geh sense, u for just use sniper wey I see for there make the thing dey quick."

I didn't know why I found what he said amusing but it was. "I was dumb but now I'm smart. By the way which church do you attend?"

"Why are you asking? Do you want to give testimony. You go add my name o, I no Wan hear and the lord used one of our brothers to save me, hallelujah "

I laughed again amidst grunts "No, Bros J dey holler"

That day as I groaned, laughed and conversed with Chibuike, I realized that I needed to drown the voices in my head and I did by hearing him read the Bible to me before I slept. And maybe laughter was indeed the best pain medicine for one with a sound mind.