4.26.19
   do you ever just sit near your friends but dont talk to them and they don't talk to you, we aren't mad at each other or anything its just you separating your self from them because you feel as if you don't deserve to be happy with them because from where your sitting they are making jokes laughing having fun but you dont feel that way because your numb and hurting inside
"Im only a distraction in the dream of truth" - lya 2:50 pm 4.26.19

5.7.19

im feel as if my body is giving up on me like my brain gave up on me a while ago but my body didnt until today. i was walking up the stairs on my way to second period and my legs were shaking and it felt as if there was a weight on my back and im just slowly giving up on myself, my life, and my friends which is kinda a problem when they mean so much to me but whatever.
i recently found out my best friend practically my sister has been cutting herself and it makes me feel bad because if i tell her to stop ill be a hipocrite and i feel as if i cant do anything about it.
ive been almost crying so many times this week and its only tuesday but i stop myself because my friend is having a problem and in my eyes it seems as if im taking their spotlight in a way. today no one noticed my eyes were red during lunch which didn't suprise me because no one notices me anymore not even my teachers which suprised me because my teacher is always yelling at me for doing my work but yesterday she said oh i forgot you were there did you do your work and today she said the same thing but she asked if i needed help with anything and i said no but i started crying when i went back to my desk because i need help but i dont want it and i need help but i need to ask for it not someone asking for me because it makes me feel less than and it becomes a problem.

5.8.19
I feel out of place i feel like i don't belong anywhere.I act as if i dont care but i really do so when someone says something hurtful or rude it hurts me and their words stay in my head like a virus.Like when a guy that i semi know called me a slut and it replays in my head like a messed up cd replaying the same word over and over again or like a song you really like so you have it on repeat until you know the song like the back of your hand to the point it becomes the only thing that you hear so yeah its stuck in ny head.

Lya over and out~~