It hit like a bus.

Like a train.

Like a bullet to the heart.

Information leaked out of the computer screen and poured into my eyes, information of the past, what used to be and now is not.

It stung.

It stung like a million tiny hammers

Smashing onto my ribcage

Onto my chest.

An image of what seemed to be the truth turned out to be nothing but a lie

A lie so severe and so manipulated that the pain that came after the revelation

Was felt for days on end.

Denial

And anger

Drove out with every exhale and inhale I took

Every cell of blood that crawled inside of me stung like fire ant bites

And nothing I could carry would feel heavier than the weight that was on my shoulders and chest

Of all the things that could make me cry

Why did this have to take first place?

Of all the memories my computer screen could have given me,

Why did that specific information show itself to me?

Regret took place of the pericardium and pumped it throughout my entire body.

Is this just an assumption?

Or is this real?

Am I thinking too much?

Or is this only the beginning of what truly was?

It was almost like

Chains of a little anchor was tied around my neck

Little, but as heavy as the largest anchor that could be found

I can't think of this anymore

I need to wipe away these salty godforsaken tears

But with every breath I heave in

I feel like a wave

Floating so lightly above the dark, deep waters

But so heavy against the pressures of the sky

A ticket

To another planet could be the answer

But I mustn't think so selfishly

But why not be selfish

When im feeling all this pain?

They care about me

I do too

They love me

I do too

But they don't know how

Every day I wake up and a part of me

Dies

I'm confused

And im lost

How can I give myself love

When I see no reason to anymore?

How can I be so kind

And loving

And selfless

When I cant bring myself to feel something as beautiful as those things anymore?

I don't know what to think

I don't know who to believe

What can I think? Of the past that doesn't matter anymore?

Can I not speak to anyone of the way

I am feeling? Of the way it

Pains me every single time

I breath in?

But see, no one is right

The past is never actually the past but

No one sees it that way.

Can I believe the ones closest to me?

Can I even believe myself?

I laugh and smile like im on top of the world

I talk like im the queen of all that is ever made

But the storm within me is

Building up

To something so destructive inside

And out

And if I keep lying to myself

I don't know what will happen.